


dimensions and moments

by lna1999



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: F/F, Im bad at summaries, Slow Burn, and more tags along the way, maybe other characters along the way, roommate au
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-25
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:06:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 31
Words: 58,297
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23307265
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lna1999/pseuds/lna1999
Summary: a series of moments between clarke and lexa over their time as roommatesaka"100 ways to say 'i love you'" clexa style. told in the form of a story but most can probably also be read as a series of one-shots.
Relationships: Anya/Raven Reyes, Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Octavia Blake/Lincoln
Comments: 75
Kudos: 150





	1. "it's not heavy, i'm stronger than i look"

**Author's Note:**

> this is all based off that one tumblr post. I'm sure you've seen it but in case you haven't [here it is](https://p0ck3tf0x.tumblr.com/post/98502010026/one-hundred-ways-to-say-i-love-you) for reference. I was going to go in order, but then i decided that was boring and honestly i click more with some than i do others so. hopefully i make it through the whole 100 prompts. i've got a lot of time now that all classes have been moved online lol.
> 
> UPDATE: alright so turns out i'm a dirty, rotten liar. I was originally going to just use a random number generator to do this but then i was like, okay but how do i keep the timeline straight. so i made a spreadsheet to help me keep things in line. but then i was like, alright well if there's a timeline then there's got to be a plot. but then i was like, okay but how do you keep a prompt if you're just randomizing them. so basically, i just spent an embarrassingly long amount of time organizing all 100 statements into some sort of timeline. honestly this thing is literally so like, i think i went a little overboard on it, like its color coded and organized by month in which the story occurs. i'm decently positive i've worked harder on this than i have on any college assignment this whole year. i will admit that i should have 100 of them, but for some reason in my document i've lost two sentences and am far too lazy to go back through and check to see which ones are missing. however i do have the first 66 sentences all put into some sort of timeline with an idea for each sentence so yes. this wasn't meant to be a long story thing, but, lol now it is. and basically the first part i posted really didn't go with the whole timeline idea so it had to be yanked off for the time being, but it will be back when it is time for it to reappear in the story. this isn't an actual comprehensive story, it's still just little moments but there will probably still be some longer chapters! sorry for the confusion, this is why we don't post things impulsively at 1 am in the morning

_22) it's not heavy i'm stronger than i look_

**Clarke POV**

it’s august and you’re moving a dorm room your freshman year of college. it’s exciting and nerve wrecking and you’re so ready for it. you managed to get a room in one of the apartments on campus, and your two best friends are on the other side of the building so everything worked out well.

even finding your roommate was easy. you and lexa have known each other since the start of high school. you never were close friends with her, because she’s a little closed off but octavia tells you that she’s worth getting to know.

but you’re just not sure. lexa has always been friendly, but also hard. you wish that you had some sort of idea what the these next few years living with her will bring but you’re just not sure. 

you’re both nearly moved in and there are just a few more boxes to bring in and you think that your mom wishes that the process would go a lot slower. each box that is brought in brings her closer to leaving you three hours away for almost a whole semester. you can see it in her face and are torn on how to comfort her because you’re too excited to dwell on sad things right now.

a loud noise tears you from your thoughts and you turn your head to see that lexa is trying to scoop up two of your boxes that are filled with art supplies and books. you move to help her but she stops you

“it’s not that heavy clarke, i’m stronger than i look”

your eyes drop quickly to her arms, which are bare as she’s rolled the sleeves up and the neck of her shirt is covered in sweat from the thick florida humidity. sure she may be strong, but there’s no universe in which you let her carry in both by herself so you roll your eyes and step forward to grab a box before she can protest.

three hours later your mom and marcus have left and you’re standing in the middle of the living area just looking at the room. you spin around in a circle and sigh because yep, it is going to be one hell of a good year.


	2. "have fun"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> raven drags clarke to a party she doesn't want to go to while lexa stays behind

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright so in the spirit of trying to right my original impulsiveness and posting the wrong things for this story here is a second chapter

_52) have fun_

**Lexa POV**

orientation is finally done for the weekend and you couldn’t possibly be more relieved. you’ve never really been too terribly extroverted, so a whole three days of being tossed into group after group of new people has been so exhausting. 

you’ve had nearly no time to unpack and most of your things remain in boxes and you suddenly regret not labeling any of them for the move over because every time you want to find something you have to go hunting. 

you’re really not sure how clarke has had the time to unpack almost all of her things and make her room into something somewhat presentable. she is settling into the college routines better than you are and you’re a little jealous of that; clarke has always thrived in social areas.

anya came over two hours ago and made an attempt to drag you out to one of the welcoming parties tonight but you’re absolutely drained from the past few days and have to decline. you tell her its because you need to unpack, she sends you a look and you know she sees through your excuse. you’re honestly surprised when she chooses not to push it.

soon after anya left clarke was at your door asking the same question. you said no and she told you that she didn’t really want to go either but raven just wouldn’t let it go and so she’d caved and said yes. you told her that she could always make an excuse and she looked at you and said, “have you met raven reyes”, and you have to laugh.

a frustrated groan comes from the other room and clarke comes stomping into your room with two tops held in her hands. “which one, i can’t decide”

you pause unpacking your books for a moment to look at the two options that she has with her. one is a short sleeved red crop top that drops in the front, the other is a sky blue bandeau top and the second you see it you tell her to choose it.

“you sure you don’t want to come with me, misery loves company”

you chuckle again and place your favourite three italo calvino books on your shelf and tell her no, but maybe next time. she smiles at that, and you almost feel bad that you didn’t entirely mean it.

three hours later you have almost everything unpacked and are settled on the couch when she comes out into the living room and says goodbye. she asks once more if you’re sure you don’t want to come and this time your smile is genuine when you laugh and send her out the door with a teasing “have fun”.

you return to the couch to watch your nature show and think how maybe next time you actually will go out with them.


	3. "i'll see you later"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clarke has a class she doesn't want to go to and lexa is nervous for a job interview.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm done with classes for the day so i'm thinking i'll probably manage to get another chapter done besides this one but who knows. the one dog i was trying to adopt fell through so i'm a little bummed about that. someone put in their application literally 12 hours before me and so they got him but hey, there are others. i think this chapter is a little longer than the other two but not by a lot. at least it looked longer in the word document i'm storing them all in lol.

_88) i’ll see you later_

**Clarke POV**

you hate your schedule. really it’s awful. you have an eight am class first thing in the morning, then a class at nine, and then finally a class at three that goes until six. your advisor says that its just the first week of classes and that the availability in the earlier biology labs will open up later in the week but you’re just not sure about that. 

having a six hour break may sound nice, but then there’s the fact that your friends are busy during that time period because of course they are.

so now it’s wednesday and you’ve hardly seen people, except lexa, during the week and you’re dreading going to your class in an hour.

however, the dread you have about going to your class has nothing on the anxiety levels that are radiating off of your brunette roommate. she has a job interview in a half hour and you can practically feel the nerves rolling around her.

you sit on the couch and watch in half amusement, half concern as she whirls around the apartment getting ready. 

every so often she will come out of her room and ask you if something looks okay, and you’ll look up from your phone and say yes because honestly nothing on lexa could look any less than okay. 

you get up and pour a cup of tea for you, and then one for her as well in hopes that it may calm her down a bit before she leaves and you’re dipping the bags into the steaming water when she busts into the living room.

“well you certainly can’t show up in that” you manage to get out between small laughs. 

“haha so funny, which pair” lexa is standing just outside the kitchen wearing a white top that is loose in the shoulders and tight at her waist. her normally messy curls are twisted up into a neat braids that frame her face perfectly, and then, she’s not wearing any pants. 

you regard the two pairs in her hands, one black and one brown, both the same style of flared slacks. you sigh dramatically, and then point at the black pair, as if that ugly khaki was ever an option. 

she breaks into a smile and tells you that’s what she thought as well. you roll your eyes and pour her tea into a to go cup as she skitters away into her room to finish dressing.

this is the second interview that she has gone to this week and the process this time is the same as the last. its amusing to watch someone who is normally so composed rush around, and you appreciate that she values your opinion enough to ask you things. 

soon you’ve settled down on the couch and lexa comes out with the pants finally on and cinched with a plain black belt. she grabs her tea and takes a few small sips and murmurs a thank you before grabbing her bag and heading to the door.

“wish me luck” she says, standing at the door and you can tell that her normal stoicism has returned and her game face is on.

“you don’t need it but good luck lexa, i’ll see you later”

she gives you a soft smile and is gone. you sigh and rise from the couch to prepare for your dumb bio lab and wish that the week was already over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> basically same as last time, if you like something feel free to say something, don't like something, then _definitely_ say something. any feedback is great lol. but yeah i hope you enjoy and ideally i'll have another one up before the day is over!


	4. "it's two sugars right?"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lexa muses on her rooming situation with clarke and repays the favour of making her tea.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> its been about twenty minutes since the last update. i have work to do for classes but i also have no self-control, and i think it's obvious which won out here. on a side note i did figure out which prompts i was missing and they are now in the timeline so yay!

_64) it’s two sugars right?_

**Lexa POV**

you don’t know how but you managed to get through interviews for two jobs and one paid internship. oh and not to mention you still had a full schedule of classes. but it’s friday now so you can relax, only for the weekend, but it’s something.

anya has been on you to go out with her and lincoln but honestly you need the weekend to recharge. she didn’t like the answer but octavia and raven are going out with them too, and you think that anya only dropped the issue because she has a thing for raven. you can’t confirm this of course because anya would never admit it, but the sex eyes they give each other makes you want to gag.

clarke can’t go out either because she has to go to an information meeting at the art museum on campus which is where she will be working this year. this confused you when you heard it at first because clarke is on track for medical school, but it’s probably none of your business to ask why she hasn’t looked at internships in local hospitals. 

either way she is here with you for another hour and you think she looks just as tired as you feel. the first week of college seems to have taken an equal toll on the both of you. 

you have to admit that initially you weren’t sure about rooming with clarke. in high school she was always out partying while you are more of the stay at home type. you’re also a lot quieter than she is, and you weren’t sure how things were going to work out. but so far they’ve been better than you expected, and she has even done a lot to help you out. 

you never got a chance to thank her for making you tea and helping you with outfit choices during your spastic rushes to prepare for interviews, so you’re in the kitchen now repaying the favour. 

only, you have no idea how she likes her tea. she got yours right because you like yours plain because you think anything else in it ruins it. but clarke seems like she has a sweet tooth and would be the kind of person to dump an entire three teaspoons of sugar into her cup.

you could guess, but then if she hates it you’ve wasted a perfectly good bag of tea. you should ask her right, she seems focused on whatever it is that she’s reading and you don’t want to interrupt, but…

no you should definitely ask. “it’s two sugars right?”

clarke sits up from her spot on the couch and asks you to repeat yourself so you do. she smiles and tells you that actually she likes three. yep, you should have gone with your gut, definitely a sweet tooth. 

you cringe as you pour one, two, three spoonfuls of sugar into her cup and try and stir it until it has dissolved. but the three entire scoops of sugar have their heart set on staying in their granular form and after a minute of stirring you give up and take both teas to the living room.

clarke smiles at you and tells you thank you and goes back to reading her book. normally the silence would feel awkward in the room, but you’re not up to a lot of conversation so you don’t mind the comfortable quiet. 

you grab your book of the table and settle into the recliner to read. you glance up at clarke and think that maybe your initial nerves over rooming with someone quite opposite from you weren’t entirely well founded.

you think that this could actually be the beginning of a very nice arrangement.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, another note is that the POV won't always alternate back and forth like it is now, sometimes it will be a couple of each in a row, it's just this is how it's all worked out. i have a timeline and every sentence has a prompt to go with it so i don't forget my ideas. if anyone is interested in seeing it i can show you but obviously not now bc spoilers lol. but at the end if anyone wants to see it i can find a way to link it somehow, bc honestly i love outlines and timelines so making them is time consuming but so fun. and it really does help down the road when im sitting there thinking, "shit i have no idea where i was going with that". not to mention it is incredibly satisfying to cross them off once i've completed a prompt


	5. "well what do you want to do"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lexa is bored and clarke proposes a game to get to know each other better. there may or may not be some alcohol involved

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hmm, so i wasn't sure if i should use a general tag for the whole story about some of the warnings, or if i should include them in the notes of each chapter. _this chapter has underage drinking in it_ , and there will be chapters in the future, but i will make sure to mark them all when appropriate. just another little note, it does take a while for them to move to dating, like, a good while. but there will be a progression of feelings. also, there will not be any sex scenes or anything like that in this story because quite frankly i just do not even know where to start writing them. but yes. this chapter is actually decently longer than any of the other chapters so, i mean i hope you like it!

_29) well what do you want to do_

**Lexa POV**

you’re bored. very bored. you spent all week wishing that all your classes and everything were over and now you are so inexplicably bored. anya can’t come out with you tonight because of some event, and anyways she says its karma for you staying home all week when she was the one going out. 

but you’re just so bored. you spent all of yesterday doing what work you could so that you didn’t have to do anything today, and suddenly you regret not spreading it out. you spent most of the morning cleaning, then reading in the afternoon, and now its five and you don’t know what to do with yourself.

clarke has been out since three because she had to go take care of some things over at the art museum and then go to the store, and you’re looking forward to her getting back because maybe she’d like to watch some tv with you so you don’t have to be bored alone.

you hear the familiar sound of keys turning in the lock and instantly sit up on the sofa to see clarke pushing her way inside the door carrying three small bags of things and get up to help her. she smiles at your offer to help and you take the bigger paper bag from her hands and walk with her into the kitchen.

you open the bag to put things away and pause when you see what’s inside. you pull the bottle of smirnoff from the bag and raise your eyebrows at clarke questioningly. it takes her a moment to realize that you’re looking at her but when she does she laughs and takes the bottle from you

“i’ve had a fake id since high school and they were right up at the front so, i mean, i figured id get a bottle”

you nod your head at that new information and tell her that it was a good idea and that you could save it for later. personally you’re not the biggest fan of drinking. you don’t like how loose it makes you, and while you never have hangovers in the morning, you typically wake up with the knowledge that you’ve done something you shouldn’t have. 

you both move around the kitchen putting things away and then you return to the couch. clarke heads into her room to change into more comfortable clothes and you start looking for something on tv. 

a few moments later when you’ve selected an episode of arrested development clarke returns to the living room with a hawksnest sweatshirt on. 

“you’ve been up there before” you ask her when she sits down. 

“yeah we typically go as a family every december, my mother really loves snow tubing” she says, pulling the edges of the sweatshirt free from behind her as she settles into the couch cushions.

“really, we go once a year as well, my aunt and uncle have turned it into a tradition of sorts” you reply, and then tell her after, “we’ve been friends for a couple of years and i have to admit i don’t really know that much about you”

clarke turns to face you on the couch and you pull your legs up against your chest so she has a little bit more room. “well, what do you want to do about it” she asks, and then is standing from the couch and heading to open the cabinet where you stored the vodka. you ask her what she means by that. “i propose we play twenty questions of course” she says with a smirk, “but to make it more interesting add alcohol, if there’s a question someone asks that you don’t want to answer, then all you have to do is take a drink”.

“i don’t really drink”

“then answer all my questions”

you swallow a little nervously and you’re pretty sure that this is going to be one of the nights you wake up and regret in the morning.

//

maybe an hour later you’re eighteen questions in and a little past tipsy because clarke wanted to know your childhood nickname and you admitted it was commander, and she wanted the story behind that but there was no way in hell you were going to tell her that one, so you drank.

but damn clarke is stubborn, so she called anya, who as it turns out was not in fact at an event tonight, but instead was out doing something with raven. and ever the traitor, anya gladly hands over the embarrassing story about how you used to make a small army out of your stuffed animals and would use them as a threat against anyone who did something to you that you didn’t like. 

you thought maybe she would leave out the part about how one day you turned your mother’s favourite scarf into a cape of sorts but no, that would be so unlike anya to spare you from any kind of embarrassment. 

finally the call is over and it’s your turn to ask clarke a question. she’s a little tipsy as well because you asked her three turns ago how many people in high school she had crushes on and damn it she just wouldn’t answer. you think you’ve both had about four shots each so you’re evenly matched but you don’t know what question you want to ask next. 

“why are you working at the museum and not a hospital”

oops. you didn’t mean to ask something that serious, or that personal but honestly you’ve been wanting to know and you’re a little bit of a lightweight sometimes so it kinda just came out.

clarke’s face sobers a little and you think she’s going to drink rather than asking the question so you’re surprised when she starts talking.

“well, as you know im currently majoring in pre med and minoring in studio art. and to be honestly i don’t know which one i want more. my mother is a third generation surgeon, and she wants me to follow in her footsteps more than anything. but i love art. i have since i was younger, its something that i’m naturally passionate about. so i guess my answer to that is i don’t know yet, what about you, why law”

you’re a little too buzzed to be able to answer that in a way that doesn’t give away things that you’re not quite ready for clarke to know, so you drink again.

she follows your drink when you ask her why people called her princess in middle school. and finally its her last turn and you think shes going to ask you something terribly personal when she looks at you right in your eyes and says, “and now its time for the most important question of the night”

you swallow and avert your eyes, nervous of what shes going to ask and knowing damn well that you’re going to have to drink if its something that would normally require some level of diplomacy. 

“are you ready to call it a night”

you break out laughing because you weren’t expecting that, and she starts laughing too and you both just sit there giggling on the couch with a half empty bottle of vodka on the coffee table. 

you stand up and the world tilts a little and both of you tidy the room a bit and then head to your respective rooms after telling each other goodnight.

you climb into your bed and grin at the ceiling because it was a good night and you think that you and clarke are going to be really good friends.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> side note to everyone out there worried about COVID-19, stay safe and wash your hands, and i have a plethora of resources and fact checking websites if anyone should need them. I know its a tough time and for a lot of people anxiety levels are high, and if anyone needs to chat about it, or wants information on resources i am happy to provide them. if anyone has something that they've been doing lately that has made them happy, or has kept them calm then if you feel comfortable doing so, feel free to share in the comments so maybe other people get some boredom buster inspiration. so for me when i am not doing work or writing this then i am catching up on some of the books that i have had on my 'to read later' list for a while now, and i've also been doing a decent bit of what my family calls "stress baking". but yeah everyone stay safe and remember this too shall pass <3


	6. "no no it's my treat"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clarke and lexa go for ice cream after lexa helps clarke with one of her classes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i'm going to try and make a third one for today but im not sure if it will actually happen or not because i haven't decided if i actually want to do any school work today or not. but regardless here is another update for today.

_3) no no it’s my treat_

**Clarke POV**

you’re pretty sure that one of the cruelest things a professor can do is assign a test the third week of college and yet that’s what happened. you don’t even know what you don’t know, so going to office hours is absolutely useless. you are pretty worked up about the whole thing because why in the world do you have to take a math class as a pre med major, it just doesn’t make any sense at all.

but you lucked out, because as it turns out, your roommate just so happens to be very well versed in differential statistics. so earlier in the week lexa offered to help you with your work and to walk you through the lessons that you have had so far. 

your exam isn’t even this week but you already have so much better of a hold on the material than you did before, and you think that maybe lexa should be the one teaching the class because she explains far better than your professor. 

and that’s why you’re taking her to your favourite ice cream parlor just outside campus. you practically had to drag her away from her studies by telling her that “you deserve a damn break lexa, let’s get out of this apartment for a bit”

she reluctantly agreed and dragged her feet the whole time getting ready and it got to the point where you marched right into her room and told her that if she didn’t speed it up then you were going to drag her out matching shoes or not.

and so finally you are at the parlour, and she is meticulously scanning the freezers for the perfect ice cream. you’re an easy pick because you don’t think that you’ve gotten a flavour other than cookies and cream for at least the past five years of your life. 

and so you wait for her by the checkout counter while taking small bites of your ice cream and reflecting on the week. 

it has been a hard week, that much you can admit, but you and lexa have fallen into a nice groove over the past week and a half. she’s completely your opposite but you almost prefer that. she is quiet and calm and prefers her books to people and she only wears her glasses around the apartment and she seemed like a lightweight last weekend but something tells you she just may be able to drink you under the table in time. 

“that’ll be 8.49 please” 

the voice tears you from your thoughts and you whirl around to see lexa reaching into her pocket but you quickly reach out and swat her hand away, “no no, its my treat”.

lexa raises her eyebrow in amusement as you quickly pay for the ice cream and both of you exit the shop.

“that was a bit aggressive” she smiles at you teasingly.

you shrug and take another huge bite of your ice cream and tell her that you wanted to pay her back for the time she spent helping you work through your stats class. she smiles down into her cup of mint-chocolate chip and you can’t help but smile too because quite frankly you’re really coming to enjoy her company.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so last time i mentioned that something i am doing to keep busy during these times is to read a whole bunch of the books that i had put off for later. so i figured maybe i could list a few of them here for those who are interested in them. i've included the link to an online pdf for those of you who would like to read them.
> 
> [the view from the seventh layer](https://epdf.pub/the-view-from-the-seventh-layer-vintage-contemporaries.html)
> 
> [willful creatures](https://archive.org/details/willfulcreatures00aime/page/207/mode/2up)
> 
> so both books are a collection of short stories, and they're absolutely brilliant. the first website is a epdf viewer, and i am able sometimes to find books on there that i can actually view all of but have yet to find a viewing program that works for it. But the second site is one that I use a lot. you just need to sign up for an account and there are tons of books and i think newspapers and other things that you can download and borrow for a set amount of days. i absolutely love it. but yes, let me know if you read them or if you have already read them and tell me what you think!


	7. "wow"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lexa finds out something a little embarrassing from clarke's past.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just got the email today that we are one of the families being considered for a different puppy that i found! [This is him!](https://pet-uploads.adoptapet.com/2/0/f/473481722.jpg) i'm trying not to get my hopes up too high because i don't know how many other people applied for him but, still, fingers are crossed! 
> 
> alright now about this chapter, so first of all the warning: _there are mentions of underage drinking_. and then second, it wasn't meant to be as long as it is, but it kinda ran away from me so, oh well! and then third, two of the things mentioned in here are actually real life experiences but the notes on that are at the end bc lol, no spoilers.

_59) wow_

**Lexa POV**

you’ve had a long day and raven and clarke are more than just a little bit tipsy, which is odd because it’s definitely only four o clock. you enter the apartment to find the two of them giggling on the floor in front of the sofa and looking at some sort of book in front of them.

they’re so involved in what they’re doing that they don’t even notice you come in until you close the door and lock it with a click.

“lexa’s here!” raven exclaims loudly and comes to greet you at the door. the smaller brunette wraps her arms around you in greeting and you stand there stiffly because you’re really not a hugger. 

you take your shoes off by the door and tell them both hello and listen to them as they tell you how raven aced her first paper so they’re celebrating. octavia isn’t present, but you know this is because she shares a class with you and has a big presentation due the next day.

raven pulls you by the hand to sit with them on the ground and you ask why exactly you’re all on the ground and not the couch. raven shushes you and tells you to not question the methods; noted.

you don’t really want to be sitting in here right now, you’ve got a bit of a headache and a lot of work to do for tomorrow. today is one of those days where it feels like college started ages ago when in reality it’s only the first week of september. 

what you’d really like right now is a hot shower and some tylenol and then maybe a small nap before having to do some work. but it doesn’t seem like either of the two girls in front of you are going to let you do that until you humour them for a bit.

“lexa, i’m about to show you the worst of the most embarrassing pictures that i have of good ole clarkey here”

you raise your eyebrows in question at the nickname clarkey, but the blonde in question just rolls her eyes and shakes her head at ravens antics.

“are you ready to go on a journey to the past?” you nod and she continues, “let’s make our first stop in circa 2002, the day clarke and I first met”

you peer over ravens left shoulder and look at the picture in question. on the page are two small toddlers holding hands. clarke is looking at raven in the photo, and the brunette is making a squinty eyed smile at the camera. you grin despite yourself, and raven is already flipping the page.

ten minutes later raven has already gone through most of the book, but she promises you that the best part is at the end. and sure enough she is right. she flips to one of the final photos and you can’t stop the laughter that escapes you. clarke is tightly hugging a cardboard cutout of one harry styles. behind her is all different types of paraphernalia for the band one direction, and she even has a shirt on that has just the cutout heads of all the band members.

raven sits crosslegged on the ground looking very proud of herself as you laugh, and clarke is blushing hard as she tries to explain, “it was a brutal phase of boy band love but i will have you know it lasted only a month and then i was done”

you look at raven to see if this is true and the brunette cackles and shakes her head. “oh please, cut the bullshit griffin” she turns to you, “her mother had a serious sit down one day about her obsession and so clarke hid the posters and cutout but she never got rid of them. she even used fabric paint to put niall’s head onto a pillow case on her bed and then switched it out every morning to a plain white so her mother wouldn’t find out”

you laugh even harder at this because imagining a thirteen year old clarke sleeping every night with a pillow that has an irish boys face on it is just too much for you to handle. “wow. clarke that is. i mean that is just something.”

the blonde’s face has gone completely red by now and she is mumbling curses under her breath about raven being a terrible friend as she snatches the binder back from the two of them. 

“it’s okay though, i may or may not have had a small obsession over lauren from fifth harmony when i was in middle school. im pretty sure i had a whole tumblr page dedicated to her” you confide.

this makes her smile, and makes raven cackle outrageously and demand that she see this page one day. 

you push yourself off the floor and tell them that you have work, raven whines and tells you to stay, she wants to know more about the page, and what about anya, didn’t she have any obsessions. 

you chuckle, knowing damn well that any leaking of anya’s secrets would result in bodily harm, and tell raven that she’ll just have to ask her herself. you tell them both goodnight and leave them to their shenanigans and you’re so glad you took a moment to sit with them because honestly that photo was just gold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, so the one direction thing, that is actually a story about my younger sister. only it didn't last just a few months, it straight up lasted years. she is eighteen now and only just two years ago if i played night changes she would tell me to turn it off because it makes her too sad. her favourite was drag me down, and if only everyone could see the videos i have of her spastic dancing to these songs. whenever her obsession was at the peak, if i played one of their songs, or even mentioned liking them she would tell me that they were hers and only one of us could like them. and yes, the story about the pillow is in fact true. i will try and find a picture i have of it buried somewhere in my files. now the lauren piece was all me. i did indeed have a page for her, and was absolutely in love with her voice. however, it never reached the peaks of band obsession that my sister's did. but yes, there's your embarrassing childhood stories for the day!


	8. "did you get my letter"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clarke leaves lexa a letter that isn't really a letter, and lexa cannot understand what it says for the life of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, i'm not going to lie, we have a while, and i do mean _a while_ , to go before we actually get to the actual relationship stuff. i mean i'm not going to tell you exactly how long, but we've definitely got a ways to go. that being said, it doesn't mean that everything until then is just friend stuff. i don't wanna give too much away, so yeah. but this is the second update for today, and i'm bored so there will more than likely be a third, sooo, enjoy!

_47) did you get my letter_

**Lexa POV**

your classes have been cancelled for the day and you have never been more happy. your professor is away at a conference and was going to have another professor come and lecture but last minute decided against it. the only two classes you normally have on thursdays are both taught by him so you are off the hook for the whole day.

you stretch your arms above your head and move your feet from where they are tangled in your covers that are all bunched up at your feet. you know if anya were here she would tease you about the state of your covers. 

you don’t sleep with a sheet, only a comforter, and you certainly don’t sleep with it all tucked in at the edges in a fashion that ends with the person in the bed trapped and unable to move half of the night. no you pull it all loose and sleep with it free and bundled around you, which sure, is sometimes annoying when it comes time to make your bed in the morning, but you honestly don’t understand how people sleep any other way.

you want to sleep in a little more, but you know that just because there are no classes today for you doesn’t mean that there is no work that needs to be done. on the contrary there is plenty of work to be done. 

you like the way that you’ve set up your room. its busy, but not so much as to be considered cluttered, instead you think a better word would be homey. books cover most visible surfaces, and your few small knick-knacks and pictures fill the other spaces. your comforter is just a plain grey, but you have the patchwork blanket that your grandmother knit for you years ago spread over the bottom of the bed to lighten it up. 

you don’t have a lot of personal artifacts, not really, you’ve never really been that kind of person. you store moments instead in the books you own. you know each one and where you got it, and opening some of the covers can bring an overwhelming flood of memories. not all of them are good, but they’re parts of you.

anya teased you terribly as you packed up for college, telling you that you were packing more books than anything else, even clothing. you have to admit that now you’ve unpacked everything, she was probably a little bit right, not that you’d ever tell her that. 

you wander into the kitchen to pour yourself some tea and try and wake up enough to function for the day. after you’ve boiled the water you’re about to pour it in when your phone rings in the other room.

you frantically rush to find it before the ringing stops and finally find it knocked under the edge of your bed, “hello?”

“hey lexa did you get my letter?” the voice on the other side of the phone is clarke’s and it sounds a little raspier than normal. the call only presented as a number and you make a mental note to actually add her name to her contact. 

“uh, what letter” 

clarke laughs a little and tells you to check on the fridge door. sure enough, there’s a bright green sticky note hanging there and you’re honestly not sure how in the world you missed that one. scribbled on the front is something that you can’t really read because it kinda looks like a very young child wrote it.

“clarke, this is not a letter, this is a sticky note” she waves you off with a comment of whatever, and you squint while trying to read whatever the hell this thing says, “heaving early, aunt lunch latter?”

the blonde laughs on the other side of the phone and yep, her voice definitely doesn’t sound like it normally does but maybe it’s just the phone. “it actually says leaving early, want lunch later?”

“nope im pretty sure my original guess was correct, i mean clarke this handwriting is autrocious”

she tells you that it looks like that because last night she wasn’t feeling good and took nyquil before bed so she was groggy in the morning and in a rush, hence the crappy writing. you feel a little bad for telling her that her writing was bad now, so you tell her to forgo getting lunch out and come back because you’ll make eggs and pancakes for you both.

“lexa you are the best roommate ever, I’ll be back in ten”

with that she’s gone and you’re smiling as you get out another cup for her tea and start preparing to make breakfast.


	9. "i brought you an umbella"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clarke really hates the rain and lexa hates listening to her talk about how much she hates the rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the final one for today because i might not have time to update tomorrow. i may or may not have shirked all responsibility today in lieu of catching up on some reading and of course writing these. i'm going to refrain from making promises, but i'll make an effort to have at least one up tomorrow :)

_96) i brought you an umbrella_

**Lexa POV**

you have a special love for rainy days. most people can’t stand them, but you think they’re wonderful. back at home, your aunt and uncle have a small breakfast nook place with two large windows and some very comfy cushions, and you love nothing more than to sit there with a good book on a rainy day. 

it makes you feel a bit cheesy sometimes, and anya says it’s like you’re in some kind of depressing movie montage, but it makes you happy. 

your apartment doesn’t have a lot of windows, and your options are limited to the one by the front door that looks into the outdoor hallway, or the one in your bedroom that is half concealed by your bed. you normally opt for your bed. 

clarke on the other hand can’t stand the rain. you know this because she makes a point of telling you how much she hates the unexpected florida showers. sometimes she comes back from a class nearly drenched, and you can hear her stomping around while muttering about the “damned weather”. you’ve told her she could just start taking her umbrella when she goes out, but she says that she would have to take it with her everywhere in that case because rain can come at any minute in this state.

so she leaves her umbrella behind. which is how you got to where you are now, carrying your umbrella and hers across campus to your shared freshman seminar because you can tell by the leaves and the approaching clouds that there is going to be a surprise shower sometime in the future and you’re not about to listen to her complaining the whole way back to the room about not having her damn umbrella. 

you get in a little late, and have to sit in a seat that you don’t normally sit in, because some short haired girl has taken your seat in the back next to clarke. you mentally shoot daggers at her because you hate sitting in the front, and you hate when people don’t respect self-made seating arrangements even more.

class is boring and uneventful and afterwards you and clarke walk through the building to the front doors to find that your hunch about the rain was very much correct. 

“oh great, look at that, more rain”

“clarke”

“no i mean it never stops raining in this state”

“clarke i-”

“i mean honestly it’ll be raining on one side of the campus, and when i get to the other its completely dry!”

“clarke, hold on a second i brought-”

“i mean i know i chose to come to florida but come on”

“are you finished?” you ask in amusement, at her overdramatic sigh and nod you continue, “well if you had held off on your little rain-hate speech there, i could have saved you some time because i brought you an umbrella”

she swats your arm and takes it from your hands, “well you could have led with that”

“i tried in the beginning, but im not going to lie i really enjoyed listening to you rant for no reason”

she rolls her eyes at that, and you laugh, and the two of you make your way quickly back to the apartment.


	10. "we can share"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clarke is cranky and lexa has ice cream

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so we're officially a tenth of the way through! doesn't seem like a lot when looking at what all there still is to go but hey, small victories. this is going to be a pretty busy week for me, i've got a paper due, and also like three research proposals so bear with me on the updates. i'll do my best to get at least one up a day, but i can't make any promises. i do know that next week won't be as busy if that's any better. no news on the puppy still, they told us it could take a while but honestly i just want to know, even if its not the answer im hoping to hear. but anyways no notes at the end this time, enjoy!

_74) we can share_

**Clarke POV**

you’re a little bit cranky. okay you’re a lot cranky but that’s wholly besides the point. you have had no time to rest this week because your professors seem to have a sadistic streak and have been piling on the homework. you kinda wish that they would collaborate with each other to make sure not all papers are due on the same day but that would be something beyond wishful thinking.

so you’re cranky.

lexa has been tiptoeing around you for the past few days and you can’t blame her, you’ve been a little bit unpredictable. oh, and to top everything off with the best damn cherry on the top, you started this morning, because why not.

but, it gets better, you went to the store to get your favourite ice cream and lo and behold, there was none there. at all. how in the world your campus store ran out of the only flavour you wanted is beyond you because you’ve never seen more than one or two cartons missing from the display normally. 

so now you’re back in your room, sulking and ignoring raven’s texts coming through and blowing up your phone because you’re really not in the mood to tell her no to going out for the fifth time today. 

lexa steps out into the living room when you’re aggressively changing the channels on the tv because nothing looks like something you’d want to watch.

“uh sorry im just coming out because i wanted to see if you want some of my ice cream i got today”

you look up at her, her hair is in an untidy bun and her round rimmed glasses are on, and oh, so funny, she has a small white washcloth waving in her hands as a peace symbol.

“i haven’t been that bad this week”

“you have” she states in a matter of fact tone and heads into the kitchen. you scoff before turning to face the tv and roll your eyes because you totally haven’t, have you?

“i don’t want your gross mint chocolate chip ice cream lexa, it tastes like toothpaste”

the brunette voice is muffled when she speaks next, and it seems like she’s digging around in the freezer. “well then i guess its good that i didn’t get that flavour”

a drawer slam later, a carton of ice cream is dangling in front of your face, and it takes you approximately two seconds to read the label and see that lexa has gotten your beloved flavour; cookies and cream. 

she drops the spoon on the couch next to you as you wrench around to look at her in disbelief, “you got my favourite ice cream?”

you look down at the carton in your hands and you’re oddly touched by the gesture, and by the fact that she remembered your passionate rant about this flavour from your night of tipsy twenty questions. 

“actually i got three things of your favourite ice cream”

you look up in shock and blurt out “so you’re the reason the store was all out of ice cream”, but lexa is already walking back towards her room. she turns around and smiles, “don’t worry, we can share” and then she’s gone with a small laugh.

mmm yeah, you’re touched and everything but clarke griffin doesn’t share. still you smile and make a note to thank lexa later because this is a wonderful ending to a truly shitty day.


	11. "im sorry for your loss"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lexa and clarke go to octavia and ravens place for movie night and the gang is all there. movie night turns into game night and things get competitive.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this idea was bugging me and i needed a break from my work anyways so i ended up with another chapter for today, so maybe this way if i don't get a chance to do one tomorrow this can make up for it. so yeah, enjoy!

_10) i’m sorry for your loss_

**Lexa POV**

you really don’t know how you managed to find yourself roped into this one. okay, well you know how, anya asked and you said yes because you haven’t really done anything with her lately outside of getting lunch together, but you just didn’t know there were going to be so many people. 

you’re at octavia and raven’s apartment for what started out as a movie night and has turned into mario kart night. you know most of the people here. murphy, one of your good friends from high school is here. and of course you know anya and raven and octavia and clarke and lincoln, but there are also a decent number of people that you don’t know or aren’t as close with. 

octavia’s older brother bellamy is here, and you know him but you’ve never really been close with him. and then there are two other boys that you don’t know who introduced themselves to you as jasper and monty, and they seem nice, but certainly a little eclectic. 

the group of you were all meant to watch suicide squad together tonight, but them bellamy found that octavia had in fact stolen his mario kart disk, and well the rest was pretty much history.

you originally opt out of playing with them because you know that it is just inevitable that raven wins, because it’s a car racing game, and raven is the best at any and all of those. but somehow halfway through you end up playing against anya and bellamy and of course raven. 

you come in second, despite anya elbowing you in the ribs for the last stretch before the finish line. you were right on raven’s ass the whole game and it was really a toss up for who was going to win. 

you place the remote on the table and tell raven that she played well but you just may beat her next time. 

“uh huh sure, in your dreams lextra”

you roll your eyes at the nickname, wishing that the damn thing had died in high school. you were given the nickname for your theatrics in competition, by people who, of course, were just salty that you had beaten them. 

pizza arrives before you can bite out a retort, and everyone takes a break to grab a piece. after the whole gang is settled down on the couch you find yourself sandwiched in between clarke and murphy. 

clarke dutifully deposits her crusts onto your plate, and you grin before eating them, finding it funny that she remembered that you like them. 

raven and monty left halfway through eating to move to the kitchen, and you hear a lot of banging around and hushed whispers before finally getting up to see exactly what they’re up to.

“we’re not doing anything” raven fires off, hands behind her back and eyes wide as you wonder into the kitchen, monty quickly follows suit and puts whatever was in his hands behind his back as well”

you quirk an eyebrow up, and neither of the two see anya sneaking around the other side of the island to come behind raven and grab the two jars from her hands and toss one to you.

you catch the jar in midair and read the label on the side, “black powder?”

monty rubs his neck and smiles cheekily, “yeah it’s just a uh, an herb, for cooking”

“mmm no it’s not, it’s a combustible material” anya counters, and raven snatches the jar back from you.

“oh my god fine, just i promised octavia no more boom stuff in the house after she found my cellulose nitrate last week, so just, whatever you do don’t say anything to her” raven looks at you pointedly and is in the middle of stashing the two jars in the drawer when octavia appears beside her.

“don’t tell her what”, raven freezes and monty slinks out of the kitchen as octavia grabs a jar and reads the label, “raven xiomara reyes, what did i tell you literally five days ago, i mean what even are you using all of this for”

raven mumbles something about homemade fireworks under her breath and watches as octavia takes the jars from her. you laugh and walk out of the kitchen, leaving them to duke it out. 

you return to your spot on the couch and clarke asks whats happening so you relay the story to her and she laughs at the end. she tells you that octavia sent her a picture last week of all the supplies raven had stashed around the apartment. 

you laugh and the two of you join into the conversation with everyone else while raven and octavia continue bickering in the kitchen.

a little while later mario kart has resumed, and it’s clarke, raven, octavia, and you up to race. you already know its going to be a disaster. after the second lap has passed and you are somehow in first and raven is fuming. clarke has third and is gaining on raven, and octavia has fifth.

true to your word about besting her the next time, you win and raven comes in second. octavia third, and by some stroke of bad luck clarke winds up not third, fourth, fifth, or sixth, nope instead she’s seventh, and she’s a very dramatic loser. she collapses to the ground and tells everyone to not disturb her for at least a half hour because she has suffered the greatest defeat of her life. 

raven isn’t even mad because she’s still so shocked that someone has actually beaten her, and you chuckle a little and put the controller back onto the coffee table and start gathering your plate and thing because you have to go. 

you actually want to stay for longer, you’re enjoying this a lot more than you thought you would, but you have a big project due tomorrow and you’ve already been here a lot longer than you originally meant to. 

you stand and tell everyone you have to go, and receive quite a few groans of protest and people demanding you stay, but you tell them you have work and they all grumble because they have work too and you know this won’t go on for but another hour but you just can’t afford to stay for that long.

you look for your roommate and true to her word clarke is still slumped in front of the couch, so you make your way over to her and squat down nearby. “I know you’re not meant to be disturbed right now, but i just wanted to say,” you pause and sigh dramatically, gaining her attention and a raised eyebrow before you smirk “im sorry for your loss” 

she shoots you a glare, but you can still see the tiny smile pulling at her lips and you laugh loudly as you head towards the door. octavia and raven both hug you goodbye, and anya punches you hard in the middle of your arm, and the rest of the gang all tell you bye. you head out the door with a real smile on your face and think that you wouldn’t mind if these nights become a regular thing.


	12. "you might like this"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clarke comes home to find lexa doing something very unexpected.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! so first of all sorry that i'm getting this up kinda late, i've had a busy day and still have a lot to go. im not gonna lie i actually wrote this last night but am only getting time to post it now. i've got an exam tomorrow, and it's an online exam and i'm not really sure how that one is going to go over but we shall see. so right now im knee deep in studying so i took a break just now to try and get this up here. and then second of all i really appreciate all the comments, and i try and respond to all of them. that being said im a little behind on things right now and might not get to them all right away but i will try and do so later. i make an effort to respond to them all because it means a lot that you guys take the time to write something nice at the end and it makes me very happy! for those who have commented about the puppy, i do have a small bit of news about that. so basically, they have contacted our current vet and found out that we haven't ordered heartworm medication from them for a year, and this is because we buy for two years if we buy from them. so it kinda looked like we were just not doing what we should be so they emailed us to clarify, which i appreciate because the last place didn't communicate with us at all. so i think this is a good thing? but his profile is back up on the website, so i dont really know what that one means. but fingers still crossed. but anyways, you guys are great, and enjoy this chapter!

_21) you might like this_

**Clarke POV**

it’s been a pretty stressful day; its six o clock and you been back to the apartment all day. you had a full day of classes, and then a meeting with your academic advisor, and then finally you had to spend some time at the art museum where you and the other interns were told that one of you would be chosen in three days time to have the first exhibition. 

to be fair there have been some good parts of the day, they had your favourite food in the dining hall today, and you finally managed to get your late bio lab switched to one that happens earlier in the afternoon that same day. 

you texted lexa a half hour ago to see if she wanted you to bring her something back to eat, but she never really replied, and you’re sure that she’s more than likely lost herself in her work again.

you originally thought that lexa was really closed off and very blunt about things. you now know that yes, while those things are true, she’s also kinda goofy. she’s funnier than you gave her credit for, and she’s certainly no stranger to witty comments. 

raven still thinks that she’s a little bit of a hardass sometimes, her and anya both. you agree with her sometimes but you get the feeling that theres a little bit more to lexa inside. besides raven has no room to speak because she claims that anya is really standoffish and yet your friend is always glued to lexa’s sister every time you see them together.

you’re pretty sure there’s something going on between them, and you can’t say you mind it, they compliment each other. anya gives raven’s smart mouth a run for her money.

and then there’s octavia who has been with lincoln since your senior year in highschool. the two of them are sickening together and honestly you don’t know what the hell it is about the Woods family that has gotten into your friends. hah, gotten into your friends, maybe you don’t really want to know the answer to that one.

but really, if you’re being honest, you understand on the looks appeal, all three of them have beautiful genetics, and yet they don’t entirely look the same. looking at all three of them makes your hands itch to draw them.

anya and lincoln both share the same brown eyes, but anya’s are a little lighter, and you think they may be hazel while lincolns are a rich amber but you’re not sure. she has higher cheekbones than lincoln and lexa, and her complexion is a light tawny color with gentle olive undertones. you can never tell if her hair is a dark blonde or a light brown. lincoln on the other hand has darker hair than the two girls, and his skin is a warm sepia, his facial features are the least sharp of the three, and you think he has the prettiest smile.

and then there’s lexa, she’s the only one to have green eyes, and she also is the only one to have curly hair, it’s a lighter brown than lincoln’s, maybe the color of syrup, and it looks so incredibly soft. lexa is the palest of the three, and has freckles dotting the ridge of her nose and splattered across her cheeks. you think if you painted her you would just take a paintbrush and flick it towards the canvas for her freckles; they’re all over. 

you know if you painted the three of them you would paint them all as warriors, with hard lines and glinting blades, because you think it would suit them perfectly.

you wonder what the two sets of parents look like, they must be perfect as well to have children as beautiful as them.

your art musings come to an end when you push open the door to your apartment, and speak of the devil, there’s lexa, and shes, dancing? what?

okay she’s not dancing dancing per say, but she is vacuuming with a little more pizazz than normal, and you’re pretty sure this is her version of dancing. earbuds dangle from her face and are connected to the phone in her back pocket as she moves the machine over the carpet in front of the couch. 

you close the door a little harder than necessary to alert her to your presence, but she still doesn’t hear you, and suddenly you know why. her music is loud enough that standing as far away as you are you can basically make out every single word. 

you toss your hoodie at her to get her attention, and a bright flush colors her cheeks as she pulls her earbuds out. “hi clarke i uh, i spilled chips on the carpet so that’s why i’m, you know”, she weakly gestures toward the vacuum in her hand.

“that’s why you’re dancing and vacuuming with your music so loud china can hear?”

lexa scoffs and tells you it wasn’t that loud. you smile and tell her that you heard basically every word. she wraps the cord around the vacuum and puts it away in the closet.

“well, i know you’re picky about your music but you might like this song”

“i’m not picky” you exclaim, moving into the kitchen to put down the burgers you ended up bringing back for the both of you. 

“oh please, your music taste is abysmal at best, rave music does not count as real music” lexa comes and grabs a burger from you while nodding a thanks.

“well them humour me, what’s the song you’re listening to” you get out a plate for you and for her and wait for her to answer.

“its called ‘somebody told me’ by the killers, it’s one of my favourites” she mumbles around a mouth full of burger. you nod your head and make a note to listen to it later to see what its all about.

“if you’re not busy and wanna watch, im about to start season two of mindhunters?” you ask, and make your way to the couch.

lexa nods and comes to join you in the living room and the two of you settle in to watch the show. you glance over at her while you’re eating and chuckle a little, wondering if you’d ever get to see her actually dancing.


	13. "you can go first"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clarke and lexa both receive news from their internship/job opportunities.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! so, life updates: 1. the exam. so i finished my exam today, and i got back the instant grading for it which was an 84, however the short answer were worth ten points and can't be done automatically. so if i get the short answer all correct then i could have a 94 so that's good. 2. the puppy. they have reached out to our references so it seems like the hiccup with the medication was not a big deal, so i'm feeling pretty hopeful about that one. 3. my internship. this is a new thing, but i need a cover letter for my internship which is not something that i have needed to do before, and so if anyone has any tips or tricks or useful websites for making one then, hit me up because i need all the help i can get. my professional formal writing is not entirely the best, so lol. we'll see how this goes. 4. schedule for the rest of the week. my goal is to get up another chapter today, but depending on how long creating the aforementioned cover letter takes, this may not happen. tomorrow i will be incredibly busy as my professor is wanting a full outline for a fifteen page paper on the syrian conflict. and that's an incredibly broad topic, and i honestly don't know where to start so there's that so. 5. future chapters. essentially, i will make my best effort to have at least one up everyday. this is less than i'd like ideally to have up each day. it's annoying because every time i check my timeline for the story to make sure i've got the right sentence, prompt, etc. i see how much is left of the story and it's frustrating because if i had it my way i'd be writing a lot more than one a day. but, hopefully next week will be more chill. but, for now here is this chapter and i hope you like it!

_46) you can go first_

**Lexa POV**

you’ve been pacing the floor for about five minutes now waiting for clarke to get back. she promised she would be back right after her class, and it ended seven minutes ago and she isn’t back. 

you’re waiting for clarke because the two of you agreed to open your emails about your respective job position and art exhibit opportunity together and why she isn’t back. you’ve been waiting a long time to have heard back from the places you applied to. this specific firm had two positions that you were interested in. 

one position was basically just filing papers and drafting emails, but hey it’s some kind of law experience and that’s what matters. the other was a more coveted position, you would be transcribing notes for cases and working alongside the attorneys and lawyers working on them.

you’re more than nervous, your stomach is flipping around and you’re definitely sweating. every time you think the answer inside the email sitting in your inbox could be a yes, something heavy feels like its plunging down your throat. 

the door busts open and clarke dashes in, she’s sweaty and her face is red, and her blonde hair clings to the sides of her face. you open your mouth to tell her she is late, but she beats you to it. “i know i’m late, i’m so sorry, my professor she kept me back to talk to me about an assignment i turned in last week and i rushed all the way back”

you nod curtly and try to wipe your sweaty palms on the back of your jeans, hoping that she won’t see how nervous you are. “are you ready to look?”

clarke blows the hair out of her face and shakes her head with a small frown. she tells you that she isn’t ready to know if the answer is no. you manage a small smile at that, because you understand that feeling. 

you’re not even sure if you’re ready for the answer to be yes. of course you want them to say yes so that you can get some experience, but also it is going to be something that consumes a lot of your schedule, and you already don’t have a lot of time as it is. 

clarke disappears to her room to get her computer and reappears a moment later. the two of you settle on the couch, cross-legged and facing each other. 

“you can go first” you both blurt out at the same time. clarke laughs, but you can only smile, feeling the nerves building up inside of you.

“let’s go at the same time,” clarke suggests, her blue eyes warm and excited. you nod your head mutely, and clarke begins the countdown, “three” you grip the edges of your computer tighter, “two” you suck in a deep breath and prepare yourself for whatever answer is there, “one” something tight clenches inside of you, “open!”

two seconds later, clarke is whooping in excitement and you smile up at her, a little amused by her outburst. 

“I got it lexa, i got the first exhibition, they really loved my previous work!” you’re happy for her, you’ve never really seen her paintings, but she has been scrambling around these past few days trying to pull together a decent portfolio for them to judge. “did you get your job”

you place your computer off to the side and smile at clarke, “i did, there’s still a lot of small things to work out with scheduling, but yes”

she smiles brightly at you and tells you that the two of you need to go out this weekend and celebrate both of your success. she squeals again and then leaves the room to go call raven about the good news. 

when she’s gone, you bring the computer back to rest in your lap and look at the email. that heavy thing in your throat earlier has now settled into your stomach. your throat burns and you stare at the rejection letter on the screen. “while you were a very qualified candidate”, you slam the computer, and retreat into your bedroom. back to square one.


	14. "watch your step"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clarke and lexa are meant to go to a party together but lexa has other plans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so it's a little bit late, and this chapter is, i'm pretty sure the longest one that i've written so far. a small warning: _this chapter contains underage drinking_. okay now that we've said that, i don't know what tomorrow is going to look like or if im going to be able to complete a chapter then, so if not, then my apology is a longer chapter tonight? but yeah ive just got a decent amount of work to do and planning outlines for the three research papers i have due so. wish me luck basically. but i hope everyone is having a good week, and that you're all staying safe and healthy. but yes, enjoy!

_17) watch your step_

**Clarke POV**

it’s the end of the week and you are so ready to go out. you haven’t had a lot of time to be out with your friends this week because you have had so much work to do along with preparing for what you want your exhibition to be.

you’re pumped that you got the spot. to be first is important, you’re basically leading the way for the others on how things should look like so you really cannot mess this one up. since hearing the news you’ve spent the past two days doing nothing but preparation in your free time.

so now you’re ready to have a little bit of fun. raven and octavia had invited both you and lexa to a party that they had heard about through one of the guys in their shared freshman seminar. it’s on the campus in the building dedicated to one of the fraternities and its going to be the first party that you’ve been to that wasn’t just in somebodies crammed dorm room. 

lexa was supposed to come with you, but when you arrived back at the apartment she wasn’t there and she hadn’t responded to any of your texts yet so you aren’t entirely sure where she went. 

raven is waiting for you outside and greets you with a hug, “finally, you emerge from the hole you’ve been hiding in all week”.

you swat her arm away and roll your eyes. raven has always considered it a crime when you don’t see her at least once every two days. 

they two of you enter the building, and the music and smell of alcohol instantly hits you and you smile.

“good to be home?” raven asks with a smirk, and you laugh, “great to be home”

raven drags you into the kitchen where she instantly starts making you a drink, monty is there sitting on the kitchen counter and you make your way over to him. the two of you talk for a few moments before bellamy is coming across the room to get you, dragging you from the kitchen to team up with him for beer pong. 

two girls you don’t know are on the other side of the table, and they look like they might be having trouble seeing straight so you automatically assume its going to be an easy game. 

sure enough you and bellamy manage to hit four of their cups before they can even hit one of yours. bellamy gestures to the cup and tells you it’s all yours. so you take it and quickly chug the whole thing before turning back to make your shot. 

bellamy is next and you step back to let him have some space, knowing that he has this weird method of scanning every cup and trying to plan out exactly how to throw the damn ball. you see octavia off to the side and motion her over. she hugs you and tells you she’s glad you made it. 

“i’m glad too, sorry lexa couldn’t make it, she wasn’t in the apartment when i got back”

octavia pulls back and looks at you with confusion, “what do you mean, lexa has been here for an hour”

“oh really? she must have left without me, we’re supposed to be celebrating the both of us getting our internships”

“uh, if what she’s doing is celebrating then it’s the most depressing celebration i’ve ever seen. she’s over in the common room and hasn’t moved from the couch since she got here. lincoln and i have been watching over her, she’s in pretty bad shape but won’t let anyone help her home”

you don’t understand, what happened to make lexa woods, the lexa woods who rarely parties, drink so much that she needed to be supervised. you turn to bellamy and tell him octavia is going to fill in the rest of the game for you. 

the two siblings both whine in protest, but you’re not really paying attention to them. you don’t really know where the common room is in this place, so you mainly wander around until you see lexa sitting on a grey couch drinking something out of a blue cup.

“lexa?” you ask softly as you get closer.

unfocused green eyes meet yours, and lexa tries to wobble to her feet. you gently push her back down and move to sit next to her, “clarke! i was going to wait for you but then i couldn’t because i felt, heavy”

you don’t understand what she means by that so she continues, “i’ve been heavy and wanted to be unheavy, so here i am! unheavy!”

you know shes a little too wasted to be sitting here alone at a frat party, even with people occasionally checking in on her, so you make the executive decision to take her back to the apartment.

naturally she tells you no, but you know where her weakness lies, “i’ll record over your nature shows”

she looks at you with a look of betrayal on her face before scoffing out that you wouldn’t dare. 

“try me”

eventually she decides her shows are too precious to gamble with so with your help she gets up from the couch. you grab her by the hand, but it seems that she’s having trouble keeping up with you so you loop her arm around your neck, and wrap your own arm around her waist. 

you find raven in the kitchen and tell her you’re heading home, “something is up with her rae, i’m sorry i didn’t stay long but i don’t wanna be responsible for this one here being hurt or doing something she shouldn’t” 

raven nods in understand and hugs the pair of you bye, telling you as you leave that she’ll let octavia know. you thank her and you and lexa head out the door.

getting lexa home was not as easy as you thought it would be. the brunette has a fascination with stopping to admire every small leaf on the pavement and telling you “fun facts” about insects that you think could quite possibly be made up. 

“clarke, did you know that fruit flies were the first living things to be sent to space”

“clarke, there is bug that puts all it’s dead other bugs onto it’s body to make bad guys go away”

“clarke, one whole town of bees can make 220 jars of honey a year”

by the time you’re back to the apartment you think that you’ve heard over twenty facts about random bugs, and honestly, you’re not even sure if they’re made up or not at this point.

you manage to get her inside and onto the couch for a moment, and walk to the kitchen to get her water and tylenol. she tells you that she doesn’t need it because she doesn’t get hangovers and you roll your eyes because that has to be a lie so you make her take them anyway. 

“do you want to tell me why you went to a party and drank all the alcohol you could get your hand on?”

lexa won’t meet your gaze as she stares down at the carpet, “i told you, i felt heavy”

you sigh in exasperation, “lexa i have no idea what that even means”

she shuffles a little on the couch, “okay but you can’t be mad at me if i tell you”

you promise her, and she is silent for a moment before continuing, “i lied earlier this week when i told you i got my job. i didn’t get it. my father works for a law firm that has a really bad rep, and the people there recognized my last name and said it would be a conflict of interest for me to even intern there. i was upset, then i moved on, but then i got another email from the other job i applied to and they said no as well. and i’m just, im tired of them getting in the way. so i went to the party”

“lexa you should have told me all of this before, we could have sat and talked about it so you didn’t have to drink yourself to death”

“i’m only talking now because i’m not 100% sober”

yep, there’s the lexa you know. 

“okay well regardless, you didn’t have to lie to me about getting the job, i would have helped you look for another one”

“but that’s why i lied. you got your exhibition and you were so excited and you’ve been so busy. i didn’t want to burden you”

something inside of your chest tightens at the idea of lexa thinking she is a nuisance to you. you’ve never seen her like this before and you’re not entirely sure what to say. you reach out and put your hand over hers, “lexa, listen to me when i say this, you are my friend, and my friends are never burdens to me”

“i’m your friend?”

that one hurt. she really doesn’t think that she’s your friend. you sit there for a moment, your eyes watering a little and you pull her into a tight hug. she stiffens against you for a moment, but then gradually relaxes into and puts her arms around you.

“yes lexa, you are my friend,” you murmur softly into her hair, “and if you forget in the morning because you’re too drunk now then i will remind you then, and every day until you remember. because we are friends lexa”

the brunette quivers, and you think maybe she is crying, but when you pull back you see that really, she is shivering, and goosebumps are erupting all over her skin. “come on, let me help you to bed”, you stand up and reach a hand down to help her up.

“save the feelings for another day?” she asks with a tiny smile, and you chuckle, “yes lexa, save the feelings for another day”.

lexa wobbles on her feet a little, and you guide her by her hand to her room, you flip on the lights inside. she almost trips over a discarded shirt on the floor, “watch your step” you say, and help her over it.

you know that she should change, she smells like booze and other various fraternity smells, but she’s in a t-shirt and shorts and is in no state to actually accomplish changing into pajamas right now so you take her over to the bed where she plops down.

you’re halfway back to the door when you hear a small, “thank you clarke” come from the mound of blankets piled on the bed, you smile, “it’s what friends do” and flip off the lights.


	15. "i saved you a piece"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lexa is avoiding clarke after the night at the party until someone puts some sense into her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this is wayyy later than i ideally would have posted something but today has been incredibly busy. and i mean incredibly busy. we still haven't heard something from the dog place, and honestly by now im beginning to think that they may be looking to place him somewhere else. which really bummed me out for the majority of the day. my thing is if they know they're no longer considering us seriously then i would like to be told so that i can put in an application somewhere else. because i don't want to double dip with my applications and end up having to choose between the two dogs. like, i would choose both, but i can't choose both. so that definitely has been upsetting today. but then on a lighter note i know what im doing for one of my research papers and im actually incredibly excited for it. i've been wanting to write about it for a long time, and i finally managed to find a way to combine all three of the things im interested in into a paper. i won't bore anyone with details, it's politics and well, i feel that can be a tricky topic. but the basics are that i'm writing on social psychology and how it worked against the civil rights movements in the 40-50s, and basically how that was a very bad thing and we still see the repercussions today. so, if that's anyone's cup of tea and they want to be an idea sounding board then hit me up lol. but yes, sorry im getting this up so late, annnd enjoy!

_9) i saved a piece for you_

**Lexa POV**

you may or may not be avoiding clarke. 

okay, you’re avoiding her. but your reasons are justified. she saw you literally at one of your worst parts this whole semester and you behaved like a total fool. woods don’t show weakness, this is a lesson you learned early on in life.

and yet two days ago you drank all of the alcohol in sight at a party and confessed more to your blonde roommate than you ever have. you’re still not entirely sure what it was that you told her. but you know that the next morning you woke up so embarrassed and were reminded again by the facts of why you normally don’t drink.

it hasn’t really been that hard to avoid clarke because she really hasn’t been in the apartment a lot recently, and when she is here it’s normally just to sleep and then she’s leaving again for the studio. you think she may be avoiding you, and you don’t blame her after that embarrassing display of messy emotions. 

anya’s voice pulls you from your thoughts and your eyes snap up to her face, “are you just going to stand there or are you actually going to get food”

you’re at octavia and raven’s apartment because they wanted to have a small pizza night and you didn’t really have any work so you decided to go.

“get off my case anya” you snap, and your sister’s eyes narrow at you.

“where’s blondie tonight” she asks, smirking and reaching behind you to get a slice of pepperoni pizza. “her name is clarke” you grit out through your teeth, resisting the urge to smack anya upside the head with your plate.

“mmmhmm, so are you going to tell your dear old sister why you’re avoiding her?” anya steps back and her playful demeanor drops as she looks at you with a serious look on her face.

“i’m not avoiding her” you grumble as you shove two pieces onto your plate and push your way past her.

“yes, you are, and you need to stop and talk to her” you whirl around send a warning glare anya’s way before grabbing her arm and towing her over to where others can’t hear you. anya shakes off your arm and mumbles under her breath about bratty little sisters. 

“since when are you the honesty police” you scoff.

“listen, i don’t know exactly what went on between you and blondie the night you two left the party with you drunk off your ass but something did because you’ve been walking around like a kicked puppy ever since so you need to figure your shit out.” you roll your eyes but she isn’t finished, “besides. someone recently told me that holding things inside just keeps you from making real relationships. constantly holding other people at a distance hardens you against others, and against yourself”

anya is gazing somewhere over your left shoulder as she speaks, and you turn to see what she is looking at. you find her stare directed at raven who is busy trying to shove an entire piece of pizza in her mouth just to prove to octavia that she can. “raven said that? it’s vaguely poetic, i didn’t think she had a serious bone in her body.”

“yeah, she’s full of surprises,” anya blushes and looks away, and you smile knowingly and nudge her with your hand, “oh you like her don’t you”.

“shut up nerd” anya brushes you off and starts heading toward the other two girls, “but seriously, you should talk to her, i happen to know the studio closes at six today, which is in ten minutes. if you want to go i’ll make up an excuse for the other two.”

and with that she walks away. you take a deep breath and build up all the resolve in your body before heading out the door; but not before taking two more pieces of pizza of course.

//

you get back to the apartment five minutes later and walk in the door surprised to find that clarke is already there and is moving around the kitchen.

“i uh, i saved you a piece of pizza” you say weakly, heading into the kitchen, “i mean, i brought you a piece. i was just over with anya and raven and octavia”.

clarke grins brightly and takes the plate from you in thanks. “anya was there?” she asks, and you offer a small nod and wipe your hands on your pants, still trying to figure out how you want to say something to her.

“i think raven and anya are having a thing, but i’m not really sure, your sister is pretty tough to read” you nod your head, “then again you are as well, must run in the family”, you open your mouth to speak but she’s already talking, “but still, i think raven and anya will be good together you know, they’re evenly matched in the sarcasm game an-”

“i’ve been avoiding you!”

clarke turns and looks at you with something that looks a little like hurt on her face. shit, that wasn’t the way to do it. you motion for her to come with you to sit on the couch and she follows slowly.

“i uh, i’ve been avoiding you since the night of the party. i didn’t know how to talk about the things i said, and i was just so embarrassed and my solution to things that make me uncomfortable is to just, you know, avoid them” you swallow and can’t bring your eyes up to meet hers.

a hand lands on top of your fidgeting ones, and you quickly glance up to find clarke’s blue eyes looking right into yours. “lexa, there is no need to be embarrassed. you were hurting, and i didn’t mind being there for you. i didn’t have to take you home, there were people there watching out for you, but we’re friends, and i wanted to help.”

you nod and swallow, “i know i told you a few things about my parents, and i’d like to explain more some day but i’m not ready right now.”

clarke nods in understanding, and you’re confused because you thought this would be harder but talking to her about this is actually easy?

“i know what you mean, i have things as well that i don’t like talking about, so i would never pressure you into something you don’t want to say”

you nod your head curtly, and clarke gives a small chuckle and you ask “so then back to business as usual”

“sure lexa,” she laughs.

she stands up and goes to the kitchen to get her pizza and returns to discussing anya and raven’s love life with you. and while you’re not sure if there is a love life there yet or not, you know that this is the first time that you’re actually thankful for anya’s advice.


	16. "after you"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lexa and clarke return to octavia and raven's apartment for a rematch in mario kart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> alright, long winded life update and story update coming at you. so this is really late to get this chapter up and i'm so sorry i've been late the past few days. things have gotten a little crazy. my brother and my dad have both tested positive for the virus, now they don't live with us, but, we have had contact with them in the past five days. and i have an autoimmune disorder, so we've been on high alert since finding out last late last night. and to make it all better my younger sister has what looks to be the beginning of a stomach bug. and then we got some more bad news, and then some great news. basically the second dogs adoption fell through. they apparently had sixty applications just for the litter of six puppies, and we weren't even in the running after the medication miscommunication. and they never told us, and they made the decision yesterday morning and we've just heard back from them today at 11 am. so, naturally i already had inquired about a dog at another facility. a rescue that takes in rescue puppies that are considered unwanted breeds. meaning the "aggressive" dog breeds. they mainly work with pitbulls and chows. now we had a chow growing up, so i immediately took interest and asked about one of their puppies who is a chow lab mix. she responded with questions that would constitute the application, but i never responded because we hadn't heard back from the place with the second pup. so once we heard back no, i sent the email answering all the questions. and within an hour. literally, an hour to the minute, they had checked with our vet, our references, and had set a time with us to come and meet him and take him home. but the thing is these pups were forced surrender rescues. and they're terribly under socialized. i've worked with under-socialized pups before so this is not a scary task to me but it does require a decent bit of time. so this is basically a very long winded explanation saying that i am not sure how regular updates are going to be at least for the next week. please do not take this to mean i am abandoning the story, that is not what i am doing at all. i am very committed to finishing this off. i have a spreadsheet and everything. however it does mean i need to take a small step back as i will no longer have as much spare time to write these. so updates may come every day still, or they may be every other, or they may be just twice next week, i'm really not sure what things are going to look like. i will however post pictures with the pup in the next chapter i write once i have him (i get him saturday). but yeah, i will be taking this back to the original pace of a chapter or two everyday as soon as we get everything settled in, and make sure the virus scare in my house has passed! as always thank you guys so much for reading, and i hope you enjoy this chapter!

_35) after you_

**Clarke POV**

raven and octavia’s apartment has officially become the hangout spot of your group. it hasn’t been too long since the last mario kart night, but raven had been waiting all week; very impatiently waiting you might add. 

tonight it’s just you, raven, anya, octavia, and lexa, but you’re pretty sure raven doesn’t really care who is there as long as lexa shows up to go head to head with her in another race. 

things between you and lexa have been different since you spoke on tuesday. she’s been a lot more open and friendly, and the two of you have had a couple of movie nights where you share the space on the couch sitting close together.

you can tell she’s making an effort to remain open with you, but she is still pretty closed off when it comes to some things. you wish you had a way to magically break down whatever barriers she has shrouded around her, but you know it won’t be that easy. 

she makes you curious to know everything about her. during the week you’ve felt what you can only describe as a shift in your feelings towards her. it’s sappy and gross but you miss her when you’re not with her? it’s not like lexa is this big, loud, noticeable presence, but you miss her all the same. 

“you’re staring” 

the voice breaks you from your thoughts and you look up to find anya smirking at you. okay, so you didn’t know that the whole time you’d been zoning out in the kitchen you were staring at lexa where she’s sitting over on the couch.

“i uh, i was just spacing out a little” you blush, “definitely not staring”

anya rolls her eyes and smiles again, she grabs her plate and heads to the living area with her plate, “sure blondie”

you really don’t know where that stupid nickname came from. anya has been calling you that since highschool and you really just have no idea why. it isn’t a bad nickname, but you still don’t know what exactly to think of it.

you join her and the others in the living room, and raven has a controller in her hands and octavia hands the spare one to you.

“lexa i am about to wipe the track with your sorry ass” raven says with a laugh as she queues up the game.

“i highly doubt that raven, last time you suffered a humiliating defeat at my hands and i intend for that circumstance to repeat itself again tonight”

“woods is that your idea of trash talk because i think you need some tutoring” raven has a point, everyone else is snickering a little at lexa’s dramatic comeback to raven.

“besides, everyone here knows that i, raven xiomara reyes am the best that there is in mario kart ever. and i will fucking dominate at this game” 

as much fun as it is watching them sit and argue over who is going to dominate, or win, or whatever, you think that it’s best to leave the racing only to the two of them for the time being. despite being the first one up against raven in the lineup lexa meticulously crafted, you hand your controller to her. 

she looks at you in confusion and you shrug and gesture to the controller, “after you, i’m not really feeling it right now”

“but clarke the chart-”

“will be just fine come on lexa let’s get going” raven snaps impatiently. 

“thank you for your turn clarke, i will win this for you” lexa says seriously. you roll your eyes at her theatrics and settle into the couch beside her.

the two girls kept tying for who had more first wins at the end of four races, so one round turned into two rounds, which turned into five rounds eventually with a bonus sixth round that involved octavia, you, and anya throwing pillows and other small objects at the two of them to see who keep their concentration and win the race.

the last lap of the final round, raven gets hit in the face with a blanket and can’t pull it off her head in time, leaving lexa to cross the finish line in first. and that is the end of the tie.

predictably, lexa gives a long victory speech and raven sulks on the couch demanding another rematch. but it’s already 12 o clock at night, and octavia was barely staying awake to throw the pillows that last round so it’s time to go. 

you gather your things and lexa’s because she is currently in the middle of a very heated argument with raven about how that last round was not fair because lexa didn’t get a blanket thrown at her that completely obscured her sight.

the two of them are about to begin a competition to prove that lexa could in fact have gotten the blanket off her face faster than raven and still won, but you know this could go all night so you have to go over and physically pull lexa with you and out the door. 

//

“i had fun” she remarks when you’re back in your apartment. you smile at her and kick your shoes off by the door, and she looks at you hopefully, “maybe we can do it again tomorrow?”

“how about the day after lexa, i get the feeling you and raven could play that game all day, and we both have work to do.”

she nods, satisfied with your answer, and tells you it was an honour to win for you before ducking into her room for the night. 

you roll your eyes because honestly, what a nerd.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so just an unrelated side note, these are stressful times, and i know it is impacting people differently but everyone make sure you're taking care of your physical health, but also take care of your mental health, because that is also just as important. if anyone needs to talk or destress, i can put the name of my tumblr in the comments if anyone would like. just let me know, it's a clexa account, so, i mean, relevant here obvs. I live in the eastern time zone and i'd be happy to talk with people about their thoughts on the virus and how you're coping, this story, on other things like book recommendations, documentaries, shows, movies, anything people want really, so yeah. just if someone drops a comment i'll respond with it and whoever wants to talk can just message me on there!


	17. "have a good day at work"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lexa hears back from her last internship and clarke is there to support her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay and finally here is a real chapter update. I'm finally feeling a lot better, but i still have a lot of work to catch up on. Updates for chapters are going to keep coming from now on out, but until i'm out of the woods with work they won't be as frequent as they were. man corona was a bitch. i was going to link a picture of my puppy, but honestly i have no idea how to do that, so if anyone wants to enlighten me then please because i am clueless. this chapter is a little longer to make up for the sheer lack of updates because i've been gone for the past month or so. i don't think it's the longest chapter? i don't actually know which one is the longest. i kinda just keep them all on the same word document so idk for sure, but it is longer than most have been i think. anyways, enjoy!

_6) have a good day at work_

**Lexa's POV**

you’re nervous. like, really totally and completely nervous. today is the day that you’re supposed to be hearing back from the last place that you applied to for an internship and you’re pretty sure the answer is going to be no and yet you have so much hope that they’ll say yes. 

you’re barely paying attention in class and it just so happens to be your favourite class even if it is a 9 am class. you’re nervously shaking your leg and tapping a pencil at the same time and you think you’re annoying the boy next to you but you don’t exactly care that much. 

your phone pings softly in your lap and you glance down to see a text from clarke. you swipe up and look to the front of the class to see your teacher turned to write something on the board so you quickly read the text, “you’re going to get the position lexa, don’t spend the whole day panicking, I’ll be back in the room at 11 to read whatever the email says with you, see you then”

you smile softly and click your phone off. clarke knows that you have been hopefully dreading this email after the last two came in. the email regarding whether or not you were accepted is supposed to come through around 11 today and you never told her this, but anya knows, so you figure she must have said something to clarke. 

you resume tapping your pencil and try to focus on the rest of the class time.

//

two hours later you’re rushing into your room to find clarke already there and in the kitchen with two sandwiches sitting on places in the kitchen.

“eat something first lexa, i know you probably haven’t had any food of substance today” clarke says with a smile as she pushes a plate towards you

“i had some trail mix this morning,” you offer weakly and she laughs, “sorry lexa but trail mix does not count as food of substance”.

“i’ll have you know that there is 21 grams of protein per packet,” you counter while stuffing the sandwich into your mouth to take a bite. you smile at clarke with a full mouth when you realize that she got your favourite: roast beef with provolone cheese, lettuce, tomatoes, onions, and your favourite sauce, pesto mayo, “thank you for the sandwich clarke”.

she waves you off and takes her plate over to the couch and beckons you to follow her. you grab your plate and phone and make your way over to join her. 

“are you worried” she asks you, turning those bright blue eyes to look right at you. your stomach twists with nerves and all you can manage is a nod before taking another bite of your sandwich. “do you want to look at your email now, it’s past 11”

you take another bite of your sandwich and wonder how long you can get away with not answering that question. the more you think about the position the more you think they more than likely turned you down for the same reasons as the other one.

you thought that you got away from the influence of your father a long time ago but turns out you were wrong. you know that clarke is more than curious to know what you meant the one night you drank too much, and you know that you promised to tell her sometime but you’re just not ready, not yet.

“lexa, did you hear me?” clarke is looking at you with something that might be concern, and it takes you a moment to register that her hand is resting on your knee and her thumb is rubbing circles where it sits. you stare at her hand for a little longer than you think is probably necessary before nodding.

“can you look at it for me” you ask softly, handing clarke your phone, “i don’t really think i can take hearing another stranger tell me why i’m not fit for the job.”

clarke takes the phone in the hand that isn’t touching you and swipes to your email. you close your eyes and feel clarkes free hand move to take your own as she reads whatever the results are.

she’s silent for a long time, too long, and you open your eyes up to see her looking at you. her face isn’t showing you anything, and your voice cracks a little when you speak, “i’ll take that to mean that i didn’t get this one either. it’s okay i guess, i mean it isn’t like i didn’t see it coming. After the last two turned me down i had some kind of hope in the whole three times the charm thing but i guess tha-”

your words are cut off by clarke flinging her arms around you and almost knocking your sandwich all over your shirt in the process. 

“you got the job lex” clarke says by your ear, and it takes you a moment to process what she said as well as the nickname. you’re still for several seconds, and clarke backs up to look at you in concern. “did you hear what i said, you got the internship lexa, they’re very excited to have someone like you on board for the year”

a smile overtakes your face and now you’re the one flinging yourself at clarke and your sandwich definitely falls to the floor this time but you’re so happy you don’t care. “i got the internship” you whisper, still not able to stop smiling.

“yeah lexa, you got the internship,” clarke says.

//

two days later and you’re rushing around trying to get things ready. this internship is a lot more informal than the other two you applied to. the firm is a ten minute walk from your campus and all you’re really doing is a fancy form of volunteering but it’s a firm that you’d been wanting to work with for ages.

your days and hours depend on when you have time, you schedule them on a weekly basis and what you will be doing each time depends on what they need help with that day. the firm is a local office that works for the innocence project and you cannot believe that they accepted you. 

you don’t really know what they want you to wear in terms of attire, so you stick with what you wore to your interviews. you’re so nervous it feels like your entire body has been buzzing all day. 

clarke is watching you rush around the apartment with a small smirk on her face, and moments ago she had commented that it was funny watching you be so unorganized for once. she’s sipping a cup of tea while you’re pulling your shoes on and you’ve finally gotten them both on when anya busts through the door.

“alright nerd let’s go” she says impatiently. 

although the walk from your apartment to the firm is a short one, anya agreed to drive you on your first day so that you could get there a little early to figure things out. except she’s ten minutes late and you suddenly are regretting asking her for help.

you grab your bag from the counter when clarke tells you to wait and you turn around to see that she is holding out a brown paper bag. you take it from her and look at her questioningly, “did you make me lunch?”

she laughs and picks her cup up again, taking a sip and waving you out the door with her free hand. “have a good day at work” she calls after you as you and anya leave.

anya eyes the brown bag in your hand and raises an eyebrow at you as you attempt to speedwalk to the car. “well that wasn’t domestic at all” she says with a smirk.

“shut up anya you’re late,” you say and give her a scathing look, hoping she will drop the conversation.

“i’m just saying you and blondie seem to have found your niche” she says, and you turn to glare at her, wishing for the thousandth time in your life that you had a different sibling. 

“clarke” you say, emphasizing her name, “was just being nice, as friends do. and if you want to come to me talking about domestic then maybe we should chat about the fact that you’ve been at ravens apartment until 11 pm the past three days.”

anya momentarily stops walking down the steps before catching up to you with a frown on her face. “how exactly do you know about that” she asks.

“because dear sister, i’m just a knower of all” you send a smirk over your shoulder at her, “now come on i don’t want to be late on my first day.”


	18. "i made this for you"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lexa is having a hard time coping with stress and clarke is there to make sure that she is taking care of herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, this is the longest chapter that i have written so far. that i know because it was like 2,000+ words on the word doc and i don't think that i have another chapter that is that long. it took my two days to write this because lol, school work. but yeah, i hope you enjoy

_40) i made this for you_

**Clarke's POV**

lexa is stressed. you’re not entirely sure why because you kinda aren’t sure whether or not you want to ask her because she hasn’t left your room except to go to class and she hasn’t even been to her internship at all the past two days. honestly her stress is stressing you out.

your standing right in her doorframe looking at her where she is hunched over her desk with her back to you as she reads whatever it is that’s in front of her. you’re debating if you want to knock on the frame or not when she turns around to get a book from her shelf and sees you standing there. “hello clarke”.

you smile sheepishly and slide into her room. she beckons for you to sit on the bed and she raises her eyebrow at you when you sit down and turns around in her chair to face you. “you wanna tell me why you were lurking at my door?” she asks with just the hint of a smile.

you laugh and sent a playful glare her way, “i wasn’t lurking, i was having an internal debate about something”, she raises her eyebrow again and you lean back on your hands and continue, “you just have been super stressed these past two or three days and i was debating on whether or not to ask you what was wrong because i didn’t want to stress you out by not minding my business”

lexa leans back in her chair with a sigh and offers you a small sigh. you look at her face in the light and can see the bags under her eyes. “clarke you’re not going to stress me out more by asking me things”

you nod your head slightly, and lean towards her. “okay well then, do you want to talk about what’s wrong? i mean i’ve noticed you don’t really leave the apartment, and when you’re home you stay in your room. and if you think i haven’t noticed that you’re not really eating or sleeping then you’re wrong. and i know you don’t have a whole lot of work at the moment because i talked to anya and she told me you didn’t have a lot of work and that i should talk to you. and honestly i thought for a while that you were avoiding me again but i can’t really think of what i’d done to cause that an-”

“clarke, i’m not avoiding you,” lexa interrupts you.

“you’re not?”

“no i,” she pauses and sighs, rubbing her hand across her face before getting up out of her chair and coming to sit next to you on the bed, “my parents found out about my internship. i don’t exactly know how, but they’re not pleased at all. and they basically said that they were going to email the lady that i applied through to tell them about their work and how they don’t want me there because it casts a bad image on them and i thought they were bluffing but they weren’t. and i haven’t heard anything from the firm and i’m too nervous to email them or to go back there so i’ve just been burying myself in my work and reading and i guess i haven’t been taking the best care of myself along the way.”

you nod slowly, taking a minute to process all the information. you still don’t know a lot about lexa and anya’s parents, but they sound like real pieces of work. you don’t know what kind of job they have where they would think that lexa working with a place as great as the innocence project would carry a bad rep and you’re not sure you want to know what kind of power and influence these people have.

lexa is looking down at the covers, but her green eyes jump up to meet yours when you lay your hand over hers on the bed and grab onto her fingers. she’s still looking at you when you tug her by your intertwined hands out of her room and into the kitchen.

you guide her into the kitchen area and sit her down at one of the barstools before walking around to the freezer and pulling out the bag of pizza rolls. “what’re you doing?” she asks as you dump some onto a plate.

you throw them into the microwave and go back to the fridge to get out two cans of soda. a dr. pepper for you, and a caffeine free coke for her. “you haven’t eaten and you’re not taking care of you, so you’re going to take a break and let me dictate your schedule for the night”

lexa frowns a little, and you watch as she debates internally. anya told you to do this, not that you’d ever tell lexa. but the phone call with anya was about 30 minutes of you asking questions anya would barely answer before she finally told you that if you wanted to help lexa you needed to get her out of her head by basically bossing her around so she takes a moment to relax. you’re choosing to interpret the phrasing of “moment” for “a whole night”.

“you don’t have to take care of me clarke, i’m perfectly capable, i know tha-”

“lexa, no offense but perfectly capable has led you to day three of barely eating, definitely not sleeping, and i’m assuming not showering” she lowers her eyes to the ground again and you smirk, “right, so tonight we’re going to eat junk food and watch a movie or two, but before all of that you’re going to go get in the shower”

lexa rolls her eyes at you, but slips off the barstool and slinks to your shared bathroom. she gives you a middle finger salute as she closes the door behind her, and you sigh in victory because you cannot believe that worked.

//

about twenty minutes later lexa is dressed and the two of you are digging in to your pizza roll dinner. you chose the movie, and lexa is whining as she stuffs her face because you picked ‘how to lose a guy in 10 days’ and she doesn’t want to watch “a dumb love movie”.

just a few minutes into the movie however and she is completely silent with her eyes locked onto the screen. “ooo so they’re both going to date for a bet or an article, this should be good.” “oh no, that is the ugliest dog in the world” “if someone ever got me a love fern i would dump them immediately” “they’re totally going to have sex in that shower—yep, called it”. 

you laugh at her commentary throughout the movie because you can’t really believe that she has made it this far in life without watching this movie. for all her protests she seems to really enjoy the movie. you pause the movie right after the shower scene that she “totally called” and get up to grab some m&ms off the counter. 

you come back to sit on the couch, and lexa scoots a little closer to you that way she can reach the bag of candy next to you and you resume the movie. lexa gagged at the ending and said that she was tired of watching such heteronormative movies. “i mean can’t we just have one good gay movie, like just one”.

you laugh at her some more and she reaches over you to grab the remote and informs you that it is her turn to pick a movie. you roll your eyes when she picks the lincoln lawyer, because you’ve seen it just about a million times before, but she finally seems back to her old self so you let it go.

she turns sideways on the couch and lays her pillow beside you and lays down with her legs facing away from you, and your fingers automatically slip into her brown curls to start making circles.

she startles under your touch and turns her head up to look at you. you blush and stammer out an apology, “im sorry, it’s habit. i do this with octavia and raven all the time. raven loves it the most when people play with her hair.” 

lexa smiles gently at you, and sticks another handful of m&ms in her mouth. “i don’t mind clarke, it feels nice”. she turns her head to continue watching the movie and you smile down at her despite her not being able to see you.

thirty minutes into the movie and you notice that lexa is no longer mumbling all the lines under her breath. you turn to look at her and find her eyes are closed and her right hand is tucked under her cheek on the pillow. something warms in your chest, and you click the tv off in the background. normally you would make her wake up and go to bed, but this time you’re just going to let her sleep out here.

you stand up and collect all the food and trash to take into the kitchen. on your way back you grab the fluffiest blanket you can find and gently cover her with it. you tiptoe to the lightswitch on your way to bed and turn back to look at her. you smile, and flick off the lights with a “goodnight lexa”

//

raven has dragged you to the arts and crafts table that popped up outside the science building and you really weren’t interested at first, but then you saw the stress ball station and figured that making one probably wouldn’t hurt. 

you end up making two, and raven makes five and shrugs when you ask her why. you fill the balloons with the flour and rice mixture they have laid out and seal it up. you already know that one is for you and one is for lexa. you pick up a sharpie and doodle little drawings all over the balloon.

“who’s that for” raven asks.

“it’s for lexa, something has happened and she’s undergoing a lot of stress lately so she could probably use one of these” you murmur as you finish drawing a fern on the top of the balloon.

“you guys seem to have gotten closer”, raven remarks. you turn to see if there is a smirk to go along with those words but you’re met with nothing but a genuine smile.

“yeah, i mean she’s still really closed off, but not as cold. i didn’t really know there was a soft side to lexa, i don’t think she showed that to anyone in high school” you say, “but enough about that, what about you and anya, are you just friends or?”

raven sighs and ties off the edge of her balloon. “honestly, i don’t know if you could say that we’re dating but we’re getting there. she’s closed off too, i don’t know what it is about the woods siblings but something really did a number on them” raven laughs.

you force a small chuckle, and bite your lip because you get the feeling that raven’s joke might not be too far off from the truth. something happened to them, something involving their parents, and you just want to be there for lexa, “alright rae, let’s go back”.

//

you push open the door slightly as you knock on it with two knuckles. lexa turns to face you in her chair, and you’re happy to see that she looks a lot better than she did the other day. her eyes are back to their normal bright green, and the bags have lightened under her eyes. 

“hello clarke” she smiles at you, “nice to see you knocking and not lurking today”

you roll your eyes, “i was not lurking and if you don’t stop making fun of me then i won’t give you the present i have for you.”

lexa tilts her head to the side a little and looks at you with a confused look on her face, “present? for what?”

you step into the room and instruct her to close her eyes and hold out her hands. she looks at you distrustfully for a second and you tell her again to do it. she finally does, and you pull out the tiny little stress ball from behind you back. her hands recoil a little with the unfamiliar object touchers her hands. “i made this for you,” you say, taking a step back again.

lexa sits there with her eyes still closed and her hands still out in front of her with the stress ball in them. “can i open my eyes now?” she asks with a teasing smile.

you roll you eyes again, “yes loser you can open your eyes now”.

she looks at the object in her hand, and rolls it over a few times so she can get a good look at all the doodles and quotes. “i made it outside the science building, and it’s covered in the quotes you found the most ridiculous from our movie the other night, so whenever you’re stressed you can just, you know, squeeze and destroy them”.

lexa looks up at you with a tiny little smile, and whispers out a thank you. “i mean it clarke, thank you for being here for me yesterday and for helping me get out of my head a little bit. i’m still a little nervous, but i think i’m going to go back to my internship tomorrow.”

“that’s good lexa, no matter what happens i’ll still be here when you come back ready to watch whatever movie you want, even if it is ‘lincoln lawyer’.” you say with a grin.

lexa laughs and you turn to leave her room. something is rolling in your stomach, and you’re not really sure what it is. you pause in the kitchen and lean your hands against the counter. you agree with raven, you don’t know what it is about the woods siblings, but you do know that you might be getting feelings for your roommate.


	19. "i picked these for you"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lexa goes back to her internship for the first time since her parents email, and things go well until they don't. naturally, clarke is there to help

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i have a few more chapters mapped out to write over the next few days so hopefully i should have a chapter up every one or two days. i think i've got like the next seven or so plotted out? i'm planning on making them a little longer now, and more like a true story, because i wasn't entirely pleased with just the short snippets. it worked in the beginning but now that the sentence prompts are sometimes reliant on the chapters that come before i needed to make that change. they're not going to be long long, but they're going to be over 1000 words each from now on. i also have planned out for there to be more interaction with some of the other characters. anya is in this a lot already, and raven as well, but i felt like there wasn't enough of octavia or lincoln really mentioned. we'll see, i haven't figured it out yet. if there's something that any of you would like to see more of, or less of then feel free to comment. i don't have everything planned out in terms of like, who is going to be in each chapter. i just have the vague plot involving how the sentence is brought up in each chapter. the rest of it i can work in, so any suggestions will definitely be taken and more than likely will be incorporated unless it involves like, a major change in the direction of the story. but anyways, enjoy!

_43) i picked these for you_

**Clarke POV**

“what if they say something about the email?”

you turn to face lexa. it’s ten o’clock at night, and she is going to go back to the firm tomorrow for the first time since her parents have sent the email out. you could tell she’d been wanting to ask you the question for a while; her wiggling around on the couch and starting to say something every 30 seconds was getting old and thank god she finally asked.

“lexa, if they say something about the email then clearly they aren’t the place and the people that you thought they were” you say, pausing the tv before continuing, “they’d be stupid for getting rid of you over an email that your parents sent in an effort to try and control what you do. and that’s not going to happen okay. this firm does amazing work for people, and they chose you despite knowing about whatever it is that your parents do. nothing bad is going to happen tomorrow okay?”

she looks at you, biting her lip, and something in your heart clenches at how small she looks. you grab the pillow from beside you and put in on your other side between you and her. you pat the pillow and invite her to lay her head down next to you, “come on, i’ll play with your hair again”.

she finally gives you a tiny smile, and shuffles to lay down with her head on the pillow resting against your thigh. she curls her legs up to her chest, and you smile at her before tangling your fingers in her hair to rub her head gently. 

within twenty minutes of this she is sound asleep. you pause with your fingers entwined in her soft curls and look down at her. since your revelation two days ago, you thought if you could just keep your distance from her then things would be okay, but you’re quickly learning that keeping your distance from lexa is something that is altogether impossible. 

you think you have feelings for her but you just aren’t sure. you hardly know anything about her, she’s very closed off still, and you want to ask her a million things about her and her life and her family, but you’re worried that she’ll wall back up again if you do. 

you feel like you’re learning more about her everytime you guys talk, but it’s never the deep things. it’s never about the things you really want to know about. you suspect that her parents are kind of the worst people in the world, and you don’t remember ever hearing anything about them in highschool. in fact, you’re pretty sure that she and anya live with lincoln and their aunt and uncle, so this is really the first you’ve heard about her parents ever. 

you want to talk to anya about it, but you already know that she is less likely to say anything to you than lexa is. you could tell the last time you talked to anya that she was surprised lexa had even told you what little you know. 

you glance down again at the sleeping girl next to you, and you’re not really sure about anything really, nothing except for the fact that you feel something for her but you don’t even know what that is. 

//

you wake up in the morning with really bad pain in your neck and shoulder. an alarm is going off in your room, and you startle when you notice that sun is coming in the windows by the door. 

“holy shit it’s morning” you’re about to jump up off the couch when a mug appears within your view.

you tilt your head backwards to see lexa standing behind you, offering you something in your favourite mug. “it’s alright clarke, it’s 7:15. i tried waking you earlier, but you weren’t having it, and i tried moving you into a more comfortable position but you weren’t really having that either.”

“we fell asleep out here, shit i’m so sorry lexa, i guess i nodded off after you”, you take the mug from her, and after taking a sniff realize that it’s your favourite tea the way you like it. you give her an appreciative nod and take a long sip.

“don’t worry about it, i slept well,” lexa says. you turn to look at her face but can’t see it because she has lifted her mug up to her lips. 

you thank her for the tea, and shuffle off to your room to get ready for the day. when you come back out she is waiting for you at the counter. “you really think everything will be okay today at my internship?” she asks.

you smile at her and link her arm with yours as you tow her out the door for the day, “i really do think it will be okay”

//

you’re in the middle of your english class when you get the text from lexa. you try to stifle your laugh when you read what’s on the screen in front of you. 

“clarke, things went okay and then they didn’t” the picture attached is her brown dress pants covered in what looks to be some kind of coffee or tea. 

you send her back a quick response telling her that it could be worse and seconds later receive a frown emoji. you chuckle under your breath and make a note to run a pair of clean pants over to her when your class is done. 

//

you spend forever standing in the doorway of her room unsure of whether to actually go in or not. she didn’t ask you to bring her a change of pants, and you’re not sure if she would even appreciate it or not. but she does all sorts of nice things for you so you want to do something nice for her now. and spending all day at a law firm wearing pants that are soaking wet and stained cannot be a fun experience. 

you put a foot into the room, and then walk over to her closet. you try and remember what color shirt she was wearing today, and you’re pretty sure it was just a plain white button up. you grab the pair of black pants that she wears so often, and grab a plastic bag before walking out the door of your apartment.

“clarkey where are you going” comes a voice behind you.

you turn around to see octavia heading towards you. fuck, you forgot that you were supposed to study with her today for the exam you have coming up in three days. “i’m so sorry o, do you think you could wait inside for like 30 minutes, lexa spilled coffee all over herself at work and really needed a change of pants” you explain.

octavia laughs and pushes the door open, “sure thing, make sure you get a picture though, i want to see ms. stoic and serious in coffee splattered pants”.

you roll your eyes at her antics and rush down the steps of the building. the firm is only about a seven or ten minute walk from campus, but you didn’t exactly tell lexa you were coming, so it may take you a bit to track her down once you’re there.

you get there pretty quickly, and you must be having extraordinary good luck today because when you walk in the door, lexa is behind the front desk trying to hide her stained pants from the man who is standing in front of the counter talking to her.

she glances your way, and looks surprised for a moment, and then a tiny smile tugs at her lips. the man she is talking to is looking down at some forms on the counter, so she takes the chance to look back up at you and raise her eyebrow in your direction. you smile and hold up the clear bag with her pants in them, and the relief and happiness that crosses her face is instantaneous. 

the man finally takes the papers he has and goes to another room in the building, finally letting you go up to approach lexa. “clarke you really didn’t have to” she says at the same time as you say, “i picked these for you”.

the two of you smile at each other for a second. “i hope they’re the right ones,” you say, “i felt weird going into your room without you knowing so i kinda just grabbed the first pair i saw”. 

“they’re perfect clarke, thank you really,” she says softly, “i thought i was going to have to hide behind this desk all day”

“how have things been?” you ask.

her smile falters a moment at your question. “well the person who hired me said that while they definitely did send the email, it doesn’t really matter to anyone here. they said they picked me because i looked like i would be a good person for the job, and no email is going to change their decision,” she looks at the desk the whole time she’s talking, so you walk around the edge of the counter and pull her out of the chair and into a tight hug.

“i told you they wouldn’t just kick you to the curb,” you say, and lexa nods, “alright lexa, one more thing before i go” you step back and quickly snap a picture of her in the stained pants, and you have to admit, she does look pretty funny, her face is a mixture of confused and laughing, and her pants are definitely going to need at least two runs in the washer to get those stains out. 

“clarke, what was that for”, she calls after you, but you’re already to the door. “for memories lexa!” you call back, “i’ll see you later!”


	20. "i'll meet you halfway"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lexa and clarke get into a heated argument over something and the gang is all there to watch it happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> first of all thank you to everyone who has been following along so far, and thank you to those who have commented! it really means a lot, i look forward to seeing if people had any suggestions or comments to make. this chapter isn't really that long but the ones that are coming up are on the longer side. the weather is kinda crappy here and i've had no motivation to do a whole lot, but i'm trying to keep up with this story the best that i can, butttt, we are now officially a fifth of the way through with prompts! but yeah, anyways, enjoy!

_72) i'll meet you halfway_

**Clarke's POV**

you’re in a standoff with lexa in the kitchen. this time she has gone too far. you thought that you and her were on the same page. you thought that she was feeling the same thing as you were only to find out that it was all in your head.

“you cannot sit there and tell me you honestly believe that” you say, gripping the edges of the kitchen island.

lexa stands on the other side of the counter and scoffs, “clarke it was all just a game”.

you stand there in silence for a second and then contine, “no, lexa you are discounting something real, and tangible, and you just cannot tell me you didn’t feel it because i did”.

she looks into your eyes and her gaze doesn’t waver when she takes a step closer to you. “i can tell you, without a doubt that I felt nothing, what even is there to feel.”

now it’s your turn to scoff, “everything lexa”

“no, clarke i’m sorry,” lexa shakes her head and crosses her arms across her chest, “it’s just, i can’t lie to you, it’s fake.”

“you don’t mean that lexa, you’re just saying that because other people influenced your decision”

“i actually do mean it,” lexa says pointedly, “i felt nothing the whole time, i just went along with it because it seemed important to you.”

you roll your eyes and sigh loudly in exasperation, this girl. “you can’t sit here and tell me that troy didn’t fucking love vanessa,” you say, using your hands to talk, “I mean, he left baller status, and for what, they play? no, i don’t think so, he did it for her.”

lexa places her palms on the counter and stares you down. “he was just doing it for popularity in high school clarke, i mean come on, no part of that romance was realistic. people don’t just go up to garden rooftops and dance around in the rain and sing love songs to each other every passing day of their lives.”

“you’re such a romance skeptic” you say turning around to face the fridge, you’re annoyed now. 

“don’t change the subject clarke” lexa says, clicking the ‘k’ in your name sarcastically. 

you whirl back around to face her, “fine, i’ll meet you halfway, troy loved vanessa”

“that isn’t halfway and you know it” lexa argues

“maybe not but it’s what you’re getting” you say firmly.

the two of you stare each other down in the kitchen and you cannot believe that she told you yesterday she agreed with you only to take it all back now.

“uh, guys” raven interrupts from the living room.

“what!” both you and lexa say in unison, turning to face her. 

raven, octavia, anya, and lincoln are all watching you two argue with varying degrees of amusement on their faces. “well, we just want to know if we can go back to watching the movie now or if we need to go somewhere else so you guys can continue whatever the hell this is” raven finishes.

lexa groans, “fine, i will finish this dumb cliché movie only because i promised clarke that i would watch it after she sat through my movie with me last night”

“it was a nature documentary lexa and i was bored as hell so you owe me” you point out. 

lexa grins at you, and the two of you join the others in the living room and sit next to each other on the couch.

octavia watches the two of you in confusion, “wait, so now you’re all good now? you just, went from screaming to being fine again?”

you roll your eyes and look over at lexa, “yeah i mean i’m not surprised to know that the commander here is a romance hater considering she barely made it through a single rom-com last week. plus i know she only lied because she felt she owed me.”

lexa nods slightly after sending anya a glare when the name commander was mentioned. you catch the exchange, and smile a little when you see anya trying to contain her laughter.

“oh my god i forgot i told her about the commander story!” anya wheezes out. lexa shoots her another glare, but it’s too late and everyone wants to know now. lexa crosses her arms across her chest and pouts beside you as her sister tells the group the whole embarrassing story.

you lean into lexa and whisper, “i think it’s a cute story lex”.

her ears and cheeks flush pink, “it’s not cute it’s embarrassing” she mutters, glaring over at anya who is cackling as she recalls all the fake battles you waged with your stuffed animals. 

you smile and nudge her with your elbow, and she begrudgingly offers you a small smile back. 

the others eventually quiet down, and someone hits play on the third and final highschool musical movie that you’re watching for the night. you make a point to make all kinds of comments about troy and vanessa the whole time you’re watching and lexa counteracts all of them with beliefs of her own.

an hour later everyone is gone, and you and lexa are tidying up the apartment together. she holds up the trashcan and you toss all of the empty soda cans and plates into it one by one. 

when everything is clean and you both are off to bed, lexa pops her head back out of her room and calls to you. you pause and turn to look at her.

“i didn’t mean to lie about thinking they didn’t really love each other, you just were so excited and i didn’t want to drag you down with all of my ‘movie love isn’t real love speech’,” she says apologetically, “i know you weren’t really upset with me, but i won’t lie to you again clarke, you’re my friend and friends don’t do that.”

you smile at her because what a goof, “thank you lexa, goodnight.”

she calls goodnight back as she turns into her room, and you smile after her. figuring out what you feel for her just keeps getting more and more complicated. you groan a little and head to your room, wishing that this could all just be easier.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter was particularly fun to write because this is in fact a conversation that two of my guy friends had a while ago. i never knew some people could get so heated over highschool musical.


	21. "you can borrow mine"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lexa starts to realize things and gives advice to anya that she really should be taking herself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, i know it seems like things are kinda dragging out between them, and my girlfriend read this and was telling me that it was so clear that they liked each other. which is super ironic because me and my girlfriend behaved just like they are in this story. except it was over the course of six and a half months. we were so oblivious and honestly thinking back on it is just like, oof, painful, like we really had no idea that the other felt the same. but we went to a religious school. like, a _religious_ school. so like, we kinda thought that we were both just imagining things. i can proudly say we finally snapped out of it and have now been together for two years and four months so, i mean. but yeah, all of this to say that they really are going to get there, it's just there are reasons that they're not ready and i'm going to get into those in the next few chapters. or, start to get into them lol. but yeah, i hope you enjoy!

_20) you can borrow mine_

**Lexa POV**

it’s october and the weather in florida is finally starting to get a little cooler than it has been in the past. you’re glad for the slight change. the heat is still there, but most of the humidity is gone and that makes it a little more bearable. 

you and anya are sitting outside the library working on papers for your classes, and octavia was going to join you at noon, but it’s already 11:55 and there’s no sign of her so you get the feeling that maybe she bailed.

anya has been texting someone the whole time that she has supposed to have been working. it doesn’t take much to put two and two together and realize that she’s texting raven. you’ve been trying to get her to tell you more about if they are dating or not, but she won’t tell you a single thing. 

you don’t care that she’s dating raven, really you think they’re kinda an awesome match. maybe in highschool you couldn’t have seen them together, but now that you’re all back together at college, you understand why they’ve gravitated towards each other. you’re frustrated because anya won’t talk to you. the two of you have never been the warmest of people when it comes to sibling relationships, but one thing you’ve always done is share things with each other.

anya is grinning down at her phone, and you grab it from her lap before you can help yourself. anya scrambles after you as you dart up from the table and try and keep your distance from her so you can read whatever it was that caused your sister to have a dopey ass smile on her face. 

you start reading outloud, “‘thanks babe, i’ll see you later tonight’, ooo anya she called you babe!” you exclaim.

“alexandria lynn woods you give me that phone back right now” anya stops chasing you and glares at you over the table.

nope. not scaring you. you keep scrolling through the gross texts and when you’re satisfied there is definitely something more than friendship happening between them you throw the phone back to anya. 

“you could have just told me and then i wouldn’t have had to steal your phone,” you fire off at anya. you expect her to come back with something sarcastic or rude, but instead she looks a little sheepish.

the two of you go back to your seats across from each other, and anya closes her computer with a sigh. “lexa, i haven’t really said anything yet because we’re still figuring out what everything means. and if i tell you about me maybe dating her, then it gets a whole lot more real, and i just, i don’t know if i’m, you know,” she waves her hand and looks at you expectantly.

“you just don’t know if you’re ready for it to be real,” you fill in softly.

anya groans loudly and rests her hands on her forehead. “i know it sounds ridiculous, and it’s just something i should get over but i don’t know how lexa, i mean, i have never been cut out for serious relationships before, why would this one work”

“anya, it’s not like you’re not cut out for relationships, it’s that you get in your head because we’ve always been told that caring like this about someone is a weakness, and it isn’t, but sometimes it’s really hard to shake years of our parents teachings off. if you care about raven as much as it seems you do, then maybe you should stop fighting things and just take everything a day at a time,” you don’t really know what else to say to her. relationships scare the shit out of you after what happened with costia. but you’re not going to think about that right now, you don’t have time to think about that.

anya pulls her head from her hands and look at you, “lexa, that’s a solid piece of advice. i’m going to do that, and you should too.”

you scoff and go back to your work, “right, with what relationship an, the advice is for you to take not me.”

anya shakes her head and looks at you in disbelief. “you’re fucking with me right lexa? i mean do you really not see the little dance that you and clarke are always doing around each other? it must be confusing for you because it sure as hell is confusing for the rest of us. one minute you guys are sharing a quiet intimate moment and the next thing you’re back to distance and ‘just friends’”. 

you shift uncomfortably in your chair, “we are just friends anya, we’re close friends”

anya is packing things into her bag as you sit there waiting for her to say something else. she looks at you pointedly, “lexa, friends don’t look at each other the way you and clarke do.”

you try and splutter out an excuse, but anya already has her bag thrown over her shoulder and is walking away from the table, “i’m taking your advice, i suggest you do the same.”

with that she’s gone, and you’re left at the table by yourself. you don’t think what she said has any truth to it. clarke does not look at you in any way besides one of friendship. anya just doesn’t understand because the two of you have never really had a lot of close friends before. you think it also may have something to do with the fact that you’ve never really been a touchy feely person, but when it is clarke, you never seem to mind. 

but that doesn’t mean you’re more than friends right? it’s not like you find the idea of dating her repulsive or anything, but maybe you’re just better off as friends? and she doesn’t want to date you, not at all, clarke is always this touchy with other people, and she always does nice things for other people so it’s not like you’re special. 

clarke is beautiful, and kind, and special, and you definitely don’t have feelings for her in that way.

//

“i’m going to kill raven!” 

you startle at hearing the loud voice in the hallway, and lay your book on the bed so you can get up and look out to see what is wrong. 

you instantly regret it. it looks like a tornado has gone through the apartment. the pillows and cushions are all off of the couch, every shelf and drawer in the kitchen has been opened, and one glance into clarke’s room makes your anxiety peak. her clothes are everywhere, and you don’t think that you can see even a single piece of the carpet that covers her floor. 

“uh clarke, what’s happening right now and why does our living room look like the aftermath of a hurricane?” you ask, stepping over a pair of shorts that have been strewn across the hallway floor.

“raven borrowed my computer charger the other day when she was here, and she told me where she thought she left it so i checked there but nope! nothing! so i turned the whole place absolutely upside down, and what does she have the audacity to text me 20 minutes after i’ve been looking?” she looks at you like she expects an answer so you shake your head and shrug a little, “that fucker had it the whole damn time and didn’t think to check her bag. you know, after having lived with her for about 6 years now you’d think i’d be used to her but no!”

“wait, lived with her for 6 years?” you ask, puzzled by this new and casually inserted piece of information.

clarke picks up the shorts that you stepped over moments ago and tilts her head to look at you, “uh, you didn’t know?” she asks, and you shake your head, “jesus lexa, you really have been living under a rock all these years. raven moved in with me when she was in sixth grade, and a year after that we legally adopted her. her mother was a junkie and her father was a deadbeat dad so they signed over their rights and we’ve lived together ever since.”

you don’t really know what to say. you’ve known clarke and raven for about four years now and you never knew that raven was adopted. “but, her last name is still reyes?”

clarke smiles and nods. “yeah, well she wanted to keep her last name because it reminded her of her grandmother who died when she was ten. that woman was the only one who ever gave a shit about raven. but seriously, you didn’t ever notice that raven was like, always at my house, or we drove to school together or anything really.”

you blush in embarrassment, and glance down at the floor when you mumble, “i just thought you were best friends.”

clarke laughs loudly at that, and moves around to try and keep tidying the living room and kitchen. you go to help her, and you have finally put the room back together when clarke looks at the clock. “shit, my meeting starts in fifteen minutes and i still don’t have my charger”.

you fluff the final pillow and put it in it’s place before retreating back into your room and calling after you, “you can borrow mine”.

you bring the charger out of your room and find clarke collapsed on the couch, she’s squished in between two of the eggshell blue cushions and jumps to her feet when you walk into the room. 

she grabs her bag off the counter and comes to meet you by the hallway to the bedrooms. “thank you so much lexa i owe you,” she grabs the charger from your hands and you can’t move as she presses a chaste kiss against your cheek and is then out the door with a, “i’ll be back at 9 so don’t wait on me to eat.”

the door closes and you are still standing in the same place. anya’s words from earlier echo in your head. no, no this still means you’re just friends. so what she kissed your cheek, you’ve seen her do that with octavia and raven billions of times. it doesn’t mean anything.

so why can’t you stop replaying the moment in your head.


	22. "try some"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> cake is involved and lexa has a hard time with old memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i'm actually going to put the notes at the end of this one so that i don't spoil anything lol.

_27) try some_

**Lexa's POV**  
a new bakery opened across the street from your apartment building three days ago and you and clarke are in love with their cake. it’s really becoming a problem. you’ve gotten slices from them every night since they opened and you’re pretty sure it’s just a few steps away from becoming a full blown addiction. 

you’re standing in front of it now with octavia and lincoln, debating on whether or not to go in. you’re only here again because octavia wants to treat you to your new found love of cake since your birthday is literally tomorrow. lincoln is trying his best not to laugh at your struggle, but octavia is practicing no such restraint. “lexa, it’s cake, now woman up and make a decision,” she demands.

you turn to look at her and roll your eyes. you know it’s just cake, but it’s cake that is pulling you away from your healthy way of eating. octavia looks right back at you with her eyebrows raised, and you huff out a sigh and haul the door open before going in. you hear her laughter behind you as she pulls lincoln inside by their joined hands.

octavia and lincoln have been dating since their junior year of highschool. you’re glad lincoln has her. she’s really pulled him out of his shell. lincoln has always been very shy and quiet, and octavia has always been, well, neither of those things. you weren’t sure if it was a match that would work out for a while, but you see the way that they look at each other and know that your reservations were unfounded.

“so what kind will it be today,” lincoln asks with a smile on his face. you elbow him in the ribs. you know he’s teasing you. you and lincoln have always been the fitness advocates in your household. you and him used to go on daily runs back in highschool, but college has left you no such time for those kinds of things. lincoln on the other hand works out every day still, and loves to tease you about “falling off the wagon” every chance he gets.

“i’ll just pick for her, we both know she’ll sit here all day trying to pick a kind,” octavia says.

“hey now that’s not true, i just like to make sure i’m certain before i make any decisions,” you defend yourself.

“once again, lexa, it’s cake,” octavia says bluntly. 

you grumble under your breath and move to the back of the bakery with lincoln as octavia steps up to the glass and orders for all of you. “she’s something else,” you mutter as you glare at the brunette ordering four large slices of cake.

lincoln is starting at her too, but in a much different way than you are, and when you turn to see his major heart eyes, you feel yourself wanting to gag. “she really is, isn’t she” he murmurs.

gross. this is why you don’t do relationships. no way are you ever going to turn into that person who gets all lovey dovey over the person they’re dating, no way in hell. 

octavia brings the cake over when she is done, and you roll your eyes when she stands on her toes to kiss lincoln before leading all of you out of the shop.

//

later you’re in the living room doing reading for class when clarke bursts in the door. “lexa, i have had the day from hell.”

you place your book down and pat the cushion beside you so she can come join you. she kicks her shoes off at the door and heads over to you. she grabs your book off the couch, and places it on the table before throwing herself dramatically down onto the sofa. 

“we had a pop quiz in my 8 am class today, and i’m pretty sure i failed it because i didn’t do the reading for it because i was so late getting home from a gallery meeting the other night. and then in my english class we had to read our short stories out loud, and it was just so embarrassing because i didn’t take the assignment seriously at all. and then to top it all off, i spilled a flammable chemical all over the floor in my lab today so i’m pretty sure my professor hates me now”.

that, was a lot of information to take in all at once. you know laughing isn’t appropriate, but you want to at least chuckle about her spilling chemicals everywhere because clarke is one of the clumsiest people you know so it really doesn’t surprise you that much.

so instead you push yourself off the couch and head into the kitchen. “well, i think i have something that will make it better,” you open the fridge and pull out the two slices of cake from earlier. clarke hears you moving around, and peeks her head up over the back of the couch. “earlier today octavia took me to get more cake even though i swore it off because tomorrow is my birthday”

“what?” clarke is standing now and is moving into the kitchen to join you, “tomo-”

you wave her off mid sentence, “anyway, she picked for me and she got me two slices of chocolate brownie cake because i haven’t tried it yet, and i won’t eat two slices by myself so, you should have some too”

you use a fork to get a bite of the cake, and dangle it out in the air in front of clarke. she narrows her eyes at you, “we’re going to revisit the whole birthday thing later lexa”. you roll your eyes and thrust the cake closer to her, “just try some clarke”.

she closes her lips around the fork, and you watch as she pulls the cake off and into her mouth. her eyes shut and she makes a noise that you feel is way to inappropriate for just eating cake. you pull the fork back and notice that she got some of the icing on her lip. “oh you’ve got a little something there on your fa-”

you stop. you’re frozen. you can feel yourself breathing too quickly. way to quickly, but you can’t stop. something is pulling inside your chest, and the blonde in front of you disappears and is replaced with a girl with warm brown skin and dark brown hair that is ten times curlier than your own. her deep amber eyes are looking into your own, and the smile on her face is mirrored on yours as the two of you laugh. she’s got vanilla frosting on her mouth, and you’re leaning in and--.

“lexa!” clarke’s voice pulls you back. her hand is on your wrist and her eyes are looking at you with way too much concern and you can’t stop your breathing and you need, you need to get out of here now.

you grab your jacket and dart out of the apartment. you’re running but you don’t know where you’re going. you can’t make the memories go away. you can’t make her go away. you can’t do anything but watch over and over and over in your mind the girl with the vanilla frosting.

you don’t stop running until you’re in front of a door that’s been painted a light green and you’re banging on the door because goddammit why won’t she open up. the door swings open, and you’re only a little shocked to see raven standing there. “i,” you gasp out, “anya please”.

raven is looking at you in concern, “i, okay yeah, yeah let me go get her lexa, stay right there”.

the door doesn’t close, and raven hollers for anya once, and then again with a lot more urgency. your sister appears from around the corner and looks confused until she sees you standing there and she pauses. she grabs you by the arm and gently pulls you inside and sits you on the couch. she whispers something to raven that normally you would be able to hear, but right now you’re focusing too much on trying to breathe.

you hear the door open and close again, and anya is back at your side with something in her hand. it’s a water bottle and a small white capsule. you look up at her, and back down at the pill in your hand before taking it with a small sip of water.

anya sits there with you on the couch until you can breathe properly again. 

“i was just in the kitchen with clarke,” you finally blurt out, “all i did was give her a piece of cake, and just like that, she turned into costia.”

anya pulls you into her arms and that’s all it takes for you to crumble. “i saw her but she isn’t here an” you manage out between strangled breaths, “it’s the last time i saw her before sh-”

anya shushes you and rubs her hand over your back and shoulder blades. “i know lexa, i know,” she murmurs and two wet drops hit your jeans and you look up to see that anya is crying a little too. 

“it’s my fault anya, if i hadn’t let her come that night they never would have found out, and then they never would have left, and if they hadn’t have left then they wouldn’t have been on that road that late at night and nothing bad would have happened” you croak out. you’re not even crying anymore. you don’t even have anymore tears to cry.

“lexa, none of this was your fault,” anya tries, but you’re not listening. 

you sit there with her until your breathing stabilizes again, and that’s when you see the clock. “fuck, anya i ran out on clarke,” you whisper, “i have to go back. she’s probably so confused.”

anya shakes her head, “it’s okay, i sent raven over there to tell her that you’re going to stay here with me for the night and to not worry”.

your head feels fuzzy and your body is so tired. “i need to tell her why i ran don’t i anya”

anya stands from the couch, and lays a pillow under your head and covers you gently with a blanket. “lexa, you don’t have to tell her anything, that is completely up to you,” she whispers, “but for now you need to get some sleep, and we’ll revisit this in the morning”.

you nod, and you try to say goodnight, but your eyes are already closing. the lights flick off, and you hear anya whisper something, but you’re already too far under to pay attention.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this one wasn't terribly easy to write. i had a friend that died four years ago. and right after his death whenever something happened that even slightly reminded me of him i would have these god awful flashbacks. it was like i could see the scene playing out in front of me. he was my best friend in the whole world and the attacks were pretty frequent for about a year after he died. so it wasn't really easy writing out what exactly that feels like, and i'm honestly not entirely sure if i conveyed it the way that i wanted to, so i'm a little nervous to know what you guys think of the chapter. feel free to make any notes :)
> 
> on a happier side note: i'm rewatching private practice, and i think that addison montgomery is a badass. she honestly was such an underrated character on greys and it was so nice to see her be humanized in the spinoff series. if anyone else wants to geek out with me over the two shows feel free to tell me any and all thoughts in the comments!


	23. "happy birthday"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lexa and clarke talk about what happened the night before

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry that this update is coming a little late, my pup got really sick after having a bad reaction to a medication that he was given at the vets office. id been trying to deal with him and also tackle some of the remaining school work that i have as well as trying to figure out what im going to do about an internship for this summer so, lol, life has been crazy. i did stress bake some pretty awesome brownies this evening though. if anyone is every wondering how they can make their brownies gooey then i suggest adding about a half cup of brown sugar to your brownie mix. you can add more, the more you add the softer they're going to be. but yeah, i hope you all enjoy the chapter!

_60) happy birthday_

**Lexa POV**

you wake up with so many aches and pains in your body and a burning feeling in your lungs and you already know that this is going to be a long day.

anya is already up and moving around the kitchen, and you contemplate faking sleep so that you don’t have to talk about the embarrassing ordeal that went down last night. but unfortunately she’s you sister, so she sees right through it and places a cup of tea down on the table right in front of your eyes.

“nice try, but i know you’re awake” she says, moving your legs over to make room for her to sit down on the couch. 

you look at the mug on the table, and it isn’t one that you recognize. it’s a little misshapen and is covered in neatly placed pastel rainbow dots. you pick it up and look at anya questioningly.

“it’s for you, we made mugs in pottery class the first week, and i was pretty proud of the way it turned out so, happy birthday,” she says, and even though her words are partially said into her own mug of coffee, you smile gratefully at her. 

“sorry about last night” you mutter into your new mug.

anya places her cup onto the coffee table and turns to face you on the couch. “lexa, you never have to be sorry for showing up here when something is wrong. i know you and i tease and mock each other a lot, but you’re my little sister and i’m always going to be here for you when you need me” she says seriously.

you nod. “i know anya, i just, i thought i had them under control, the you know-” you tailor off, not wanting to say the word out loud.

“the panic attacks,” anya says bluntly, and you nod again. “right, those. i haven’t had one in at least a year. but last night, it reminded me of that one night with costia and i just, i don’t know what happened.”

“do you like clarke?” anya asks, and you choke a little on your tea because that wasn’t what you expected to come from her mouth.

she’s looking at you seriously, with no trace of a joking manner anywhere on her face, and you sigh softly before rubbing your face with the palm of you hand. “honestly, i don’t know an, i think i’m starting too, and that--” you trail off again.

“scare yous,” anya fills in.

“right” you nod, and take another sip of your tea while staring off at the books on the shelf around the tv.

“it scared me too when i realized i liked raven, but as i recall, you gave me some pretty solid advice and now we’re going to have a first real date tomorrow” she says.

“first real date?” you ask in confusion, and anya just looks at you, “shit anya, i totally interrupted you guys last night.”

anya laughs and shakes her head and tells you that it wasn’t a big deal, and that raven completely understood.

“do you think i should tell clarke why i ran?” you ask quietly after the two of you had been sitting in silence for a second.

anya sighs and runs her hand through her hair. “honestly lexa, that’s completely up to you,” she says, looking right into your eyes, “but i think she will be more than understanding about everything no matter what you decide to tell her.”

you nod, and take a moment to digest her words. clarke has been wanting to know more about you for a while now. but you’re not sure if this is the first thing that you should tell her. you two are finally finding a groove as friends, and this kind of thing is not exactly light or easy.

you gulp down the last bit of tea and have made your decision. “i think i’m going to tell her,” you say. and anya nods. “but, do you mind if i stay here for a little bit, i’m not ready just yet”. anya smiles at you, and tosses you the remote so you can pick a show to watch until you’re ready to go back to your apartment.

//

you open the door to your apartment and hope and pray that clarke isn’t inside. you make it two steps in the door when you hear her voice in the other room, and it sounds like she is talking to someone on the phone. you’re still standing there with the door open, trying to decide whether to stay or leave when clarke comes out of her room with her phone pressed to her ear.

“hey mom, my roommate just got back, let me talk to you later okay?” she asks, not taking her eyes off you as you close the door, “okay, love you too, bye.”

you stand there, looking everywhere in the room but her face when she starts coming towards you and you feel the air leave your lungs when she steps forward and hugs you hard. “you freaked me out last night lex” she mumbles into your shoulder.

you bring your arms around her to hug her back and mutter an apology by her ear. she steps back from you and looks at you questioningly. you sigh, and return your eyes to the floor when you start talking, “can we talk, about what happened last night?”

you can see her nod in your periphery and you walk over to the couch with her close behind you. you settle onto the couch, and pull one of the frayed pillows into your lap to fiddle with. clarke sits beside you, close, but not touching you.

“i’m sorry for running out last night, i,” you choke on your words, and you don’t know how you’re going to get through all of this right now. something heavy feels like it’s pressing down right into your ribcage, and your breathing starts to accelerate a little until you feel a warm hand take your own. 

“lexa, my mother is a doctor, i know a panic attack when i see one,” clarke says in a gentle tone, she tugs on your fingers and positions them so your hand is wrapped around her wrist, “try and focus on my pulse while you’re talking okay? my heart is beating nice and slow right now, try and use it to keep yourself grounded.”

the pressure lightens in your chest, and you swallow thickly before nodding your head and trying to continue. “i get panic attacks sometimes, and i haven’t had one for a year, so it was pretty bad. i took off running and somehow ended up over at anya’s apartment. i guess she kept my medicine just in case i ever had another one, it helps me with my breathing and to feel calm.”

clarke sits silently beside you, and gently taps your hand to let you know that she is still listening.

“when i was in middle school i met a girl. and she was,” you breathe in raggedly before letting the air out, “her name was costia, and we dated for a year before our parents found out. my parents found out on my birthday. costia snuck over and brought me cupcakes that she made and we sat on my bed eating them and she got the vanilla icing all over her face.”

clarke’s eyes widen in realization, “like i had icing on my face yesterday, the day before your birthday,” she says.

you nod. “she had some on the edge of her chin, almost right where you did, and I tried to wipe it off with a napkin, but she kissed me instead. we’d only had a few kisses before, because we always had to hide from our parents. and they,” you pause and swallow again before continuing, “they came in right as she kissed me an-”

you have to stop because you can’t breathe again. clarke grabs your hand that was around her wrist and places it in the center of her chest. you startle at her touch, but she holds firmly onto your hand. “lexa, your hand is on my sternum, try and mimic the pattern i’m breathing in okay?” she asks, looking at you. you nod your head quickly and look into her eyes as the two of you sit there and try to slow your breathing. 

finally you can breathe again, and you vow to not break again like that for the rest of the explanation. you clear your throat and take a deep breath in.

“they called her parents immediately, and the next thing i know her parents are taking her and moving to another city three hours away to be with the rest of their family. they never let us say goodbye to each other. every method of communication we had was broken up. they just took her in the middle of the night three weeks after. but then we get the news. the night they left, it was a big shipping night or something of the sort. the highway was crowded with trucks and semi’s and, something just, happened. a truck hit their car and it flipped over and over. her parents died in the crash, but she was taken to the hospital and had been in the ICU for two days when I finally found out.”

clarke squeezes your hand tightly, and you look at her and see unshed tears in her eyes. you squeeze her hand back and continue.

“anya found a way to sneak us in so that i could see her. she didn’t look anything like she did when i last saw her. she face was so swollen it didn’t even look human, and she was hooked up to so many tubes and wires and everything that you lost count just looking at them. I got to see her for a whole hour, and then my parents found me and anya. and they dragged us out of the room as all of the monitors were going off and everything was beeping. a day later they told me she died. and that this is why i couldn’t be in a relationship with a girl. because all relationships of that kind are doomed from the start because they go against the wishes of god.”

clarke inhales sharply beside you and gently pulls you into a tight hug. you feel her tears hit the back of your shirt, and feel some of your own slide down your face. you wipe your eyes when she pulls away and grabs onto your hands. 

“lexa, thank you for sharing all of that with me,” she says firmly, looking right into your eyes, “i know how incredibly hard it is to share something like that. and i know how hard it is to deal with the trauma of something when you never even got to say goodbye to someone who died. you can always talk to me about these kinds of things lex. okay? we are friends and i want to be there for you whenever you’ll let me.”

you nod, and clarke pulls you into another hug and the two of you sit there like that for what feels like forever.

//

after your internship hours for the day, you come back to the apartment to find most of the lights are dimmed and clarke is sitting on the couch with several small brown packages sitting in front of her on the table. 

you drop your bag onto one of the hooks that you just recently hung by the door and kick off your shoes before coming around into the living room. you originally thought clarke was playing on her phone and that’s why she didn’t hear you come in, but when you walk around you find she is actually asleep. 

you accidentally nudge a package off the table while trying to turn around and go back to your room and the loud thud wakes clarke. “lexa, you’re back” she says, her voice scratchy and deep from sleep. 

“i’m sorry i didn’t mean to wake you,” you whisper, bending over to pick up the brown thing from where it fell.

clarke rubs her eyes and shakes her head while yawning. “it’s okay, i just didn’t get a lot of sleep last night because i was pretty worried about you.”

you smile sheepishly at the ground, and offer whatever this wrapped thing is back to clarke. she shakes her head again and points at you, “it’s for you, they all are actually, happy birthday.”

you look at her in surprise, and carry the package over to sit on the couch beside her. “clarke you didn’t have to, we never really do a lot for my birthday.”

clarke laughs a little and folds the blanket she was using, “well now we’re friends so that changes okay?”

you nod, and turn the package over in your hands. she looks at you expectantly and you cautiously tear open the paper to reveal an italo calvino book that you didn’t already own. you thank clarke with a smile on your face, and she grins as you open the rest. 

she got you another book by the same author, as well as two candles from the one store on the road close to campus that the two of you had visited together. you thank her again as you throw away the paper, and she tells you happy birthday once more. 

“lexa,” she says, turning around from where she was walking towards her bedroom, “thank you for sharing with me today, you’re very brave for that.”

you swallow, and tell her goodnight. you didn’t tell her everything. you’re pretty sure you left of the most important part about how you think you might have feelings for her. you just don’t know if you can admit that yet. she accepts you and she wants to be your friend despite all your weird baggage and you don’t think you want to risk that. maybe another night. or, maybe never, who knows.


	24. "come here, let me fix it"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clarke might be starting to realize things, and raven really sucks at braiding hair

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmm so i'm a total dick and haven't updated this in forever. life literally just like, exploded. i mean everything happened all at once, but to spare all the annoying details and mishaps, nothing this semester looks like it was going to about a month ago for college. and i had unexpected visits from family, and then some health stuff. but i think things have finally all settled down, and so now i've been able to turn my focus back to this. finally. i mean i hate that i never had time to work on this because working on it is calming. but yeah, things have chilled out and the only thing that is really happening is that i'm currently training my pup to work as a therapy dog and that is going really great albeit a few minor setbacks due to corona so, anyway long story short i'm a dick who said i wouldn't disappear for like a month and almost let the story fizzle out so, here are two chapters coming up right now. this one is technically the chapter that started this whole thing and made me realize that this could be a story of one-shots rather than just a random collection of them spread across odd amounts of time so, if you were here to read this first one i have made changes to it, and the next one will be up in just a few seconds!

_4) come here, let me fix it_

**Clarke POV**

lexa confuses you. a lot. in so many ways. you thought you knew everything there was to know about her in highschool. you thought she was just cold and standoffish and wasn’t really capable of a whole lot of emotion. she was always better friends with octavia than you or raven, which is really the only reason you used to hang around her so much.

but now you know that pretty much nothing about that was true and it confuses the hell out of you. she isn’t cold, or standoffish. she’s closed off, but all it takes is time and patience for her to open up. she’s funny, and you never would have considered her to be funny before. you thought she was too intense to ever consider her funny. 

you now know that she is capable of showing emotion and that the strong and brave act she puts on is, well, an act. she’s been broken before. probably a few times, and yet she always gets back up and keeps going and you have to admire her for that. 

you still don’t know a lot about her past. but after she opened up to you two nights ago you feel like the two of you are really making progress. you’re still so confused about your feelings for her though. you think it’s not really feelings feelings. you just admire her and have never had a friend like her, and that’s all it is.

besides, even if you did have feelings for her, you don’t think that she would have them for you. after what she told you about costia, you’re no longer surprised by the fact that she is so skeptic about love. it makes sense. her parents ripped her first love from her, and as a result the girl and her whole family died. you don’t blame lexa for being as closed off as she is. 

after your dad died you were so mad at the world. because he and your mom loved you so much. and they loved raven so much. but most importantly, they loved each other so much. and then one night some drunk driver hit your dad and raven when they were driving back from the store and all they were doing was getting your mom flowers. 

you were so mad because the universe took your father from you and it took a piece of raven as well. and then you were mad all over again because two years after he died, marcus came into the picture, and two years after that your mother married him. you didn’t understand because your dad was supposed to be the love of your mom’s life, and yet now she had another.

you were truthful when you told lexa that you knew what it was like to try and deal with something when you never even got to tell someone goodbye. it rips you apart inside. 

nothing major has really changed between you and lexa, not really. you know that the two of you are growing in your friendship, and you’re really happy with the way things are going. so, hypothetically, if you did have feelings, you totally wouldn’t ever admit them because things are going so well now. 

your thoughts are interrupted by octavia bursting into the kitchen, “so, i may or may not be bailing on girls night tonight”

you roll your eyes because honestly you saw this one coming. octavia had been working to finish a paper all week, which left her no time to see anyone but the people she shared classes with, or the people she shared a room with. and of course, you, lexa, raven, and anya, all fit into one of those categories. lincoln on the other hand does not. 

you wave your hand in the air. “whatever o, betray girls night for a man. i see how it is,” you say dramatically.

octavia beams at you and plants her hands on the counter to raise herself up enough to plant a loud and sloppy kiss on your cheek across the island. “love you too clarkey, i’ll make it up to you guys next week”.

with that she is gone, and you push yourself out of the kitchen and head into the living room to start tidying for the upcoming movie night.

//

“just so you know i have no idea what i’m doing”

you rolls your eyes as the words leave raven’s mouth. your girl night has already been cut down by another person, with anya leaving early because she had work to do, so you, lexa and raven are behind. it’s 12:04 and you just wanted your hair braided and raven volunteered to do it but it seems the decision to trust her with that task may have been a mistake.

you look up from your position on the ground in front of raven to see lexa curled up on the couch. her green grey eyes are glued to the tv, of course they are, she had somehow convinced both you and raven to put on a horror movie and she is transfixed. 

“done!” raven exclaims proudly as she ties off the end of your hair the hair tie that you have been holding onto for about a week now.

you smooth your hand over the back of your head, trying to map out the image of the braid and suddenly a bright light goes off behind you as raven snaps a picture of the braid and proudly presents her work to you.

“raven that looks like shit” lexa says, eyes not moving from the tv.

you glance at the phone in raven’s hand and you have to agree because honestly you’re pretty sure she just twisted the pieces of hair together and tied them with the hairband. but you don’t want to hurt raven’s feelings so you sympathetically murmur, “it isn’t bad for the first time”

“it’s not my first time” raven grumbles under her breath as she heaves out a sigh from behind you and slumps into the recliner. “i’ll have you know that when it comes to everything else i am great with my hands”

lexa chuckles across the room and sits up on the couch and motions you over, “come here, let me fix it.”

your muscles complain as you push yourself up from the ground and walk over the couch to sit in front of her. lexa’s fingers deftly undo the braid and something inside you bubbles at how close she is to you right now. you can smell her shampoo and it smells like citrus and honey and you aren’t entirely sure what to do with that information but her fingers are running through your hair and you’d rather focus on that right now. 

five minutes later you have a braid that actually looks like it is meant to. raven scoffs across the room and mumbles something about lexa being able to do anything but it makes lexa laugh but you don’t hear what is said. you’re too busy trying to move back up onto the other side of the couch and wish away how you can still feel your roommates fingers running across your head.


	25. "take mine"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clarke has been distant and lexa can't catch a break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i'm pretty sure this is up there with some of the longer chapters that is in this series so maybe that makes up for being gone for so long?

_73) take mine_

**Lexa POV**

today has just been going great for you. really, first you wake up to realize that somehow your alarm got set back two hours and you missed your first class and almost missed your second. then in your second class your professor mentions something about a paper that is due in two days, and you completely and totally forgot about it because of how busy you’d been with your internship and other classes. 

and finally, your third class of the day has been relocated to the library so that the research assistants can show your class how to properly research your topics. 

this is annoys you for two reasons, one, your professor never sent out an email about it, or even thought to mention it in class, instead you and your other classmates had to find out about it through a sticky note posted to the door of the room you typically meet in. to be fair you were there early because you all wanted to get some research done before class. but still it’s also annoying because you already know how to utilize all of the online research libraries and would much rather use the class time as a work period, but now you get to listen to the eighty year old librarian lecture instead.

so you spend the time walking to the library sulking rather than talking with your other classmates. but when you’re halfway to the library you hear something that makes you look up. over on the other walkway are clarke and raven, and they’re talking about something but you can’t quite make out what they’re saying.

something inside stings a little, because lately you haven’t really seen a whole lot of clarke. you’re pretty sure at this point that she’s avoiding you, but you honestly can’t be one hundred percent sure, because maybe she’s just been really busy or something.

in fact, you’re not even sure why it stings. it shouldn’t really bother you that much right? but for some reason it does. things have been a little different between you after your totally embarrassing meltdown the night before your birthday, and you’re not sure if that is the reason clarke is avoiding you or not.

you can’t totally blame her. you know how you get when the panic attacks get really bad. you’ve never really let anyone see you cry and maybe it just put her off a little bit because you weren’t really yourself that night. maybe you freaked her out by being all vulnerable. maybe she didn’t really want to know about what happened. you really wish that you could read minds right about now.

whatever it is you want to fix it. before everything happened you and clarke had gotten really close, and you’re worried that this may have changed things. you don’t want things to change. you really enjoy spending time with her, and you’ve missed your normal interactions with her over the past couple of days.

really if you’re being honest, you just kinda miss clarke. 

right after that thought is when the fourth wonderful awesome thing of the day happens. someone slams into you, and whatever drink it was in their hand soaks you all the way through. you stand there in shock for a moment, but the girl who spilled what looks like a fancy latte all over you is already running away.

one of your classmates turns to shout after the girl, and the other two are standing there looking at you in disbelief. you roll your eyes and tell them you’ll meet them in the library after you go back to your room to change. 

and so then you get to make the trip all the way back to your room, with everyone on campus staring at you because apparently they just have nothing better to do at the time. this is now the second time in two weeks that you or someone else has spilled coffee on you and quite frankly you’re over it.

you’re pretty sure that the universe is trying to tell you something at this point, but what exactly that is you have no fucking clue.

you’re in the middle of storming up the steps to your apartment when you see octavia coming down the stairs followed closely by raven. you hope and pray that somehow you will become invisible for a few moments so they won’t see your coffee soaked self, but no luck.

“again lexa” octavia asks with an amused grin.

“wait what do you mean again,” raven says when she’s done laughing at you

you send octavia a threatening look, daring her to say something about the last time you were soaked in coffee, and clearly that stops in her in tracks, but not before she can get out a snarky comment.

“let’s just say that lately lexa has been a magnet for spilled beverages” 

you grumble under your breath and shove past the two of them, ignoring raven’s pleas for octavia to tell her what that means.

you roughly push the door open and storm into the living room. you should have expected to see clarke there sitting on the couch, after all, you did literally just see octavia and raven heading away from your shared room, but somehow you still weren’t ready.

she looks up at you in surprise at your loud entrance, and quickly breaks into a grin when she sees the state of your shirt. 

“you know you really shouldn’t make a habit of that lexa” she teases with a grin, and you pause because you think this is the first time that she’s said something directly to you in a couple of days.

once you’ve composed yourself you roll your shoulders back and stare her down. “this time it wasn’t my fault” you protest, “some girl was running through the quad and slammed into me with her damned starbucks drink. didn’t even stop to say sorry or anything, just carried on with her half empty cup as if nothing ever happened”.

clarke turns on the couch more to look at you better. “that’s only half a cup?”

you groan and resist the urge to slam your door once you’re inside. instead you crack it and immediately go to your closet. 

which brings you to the next unfortunate event of the day; not a single one of your sweatshirts are clean. not a single one. you rummage through your laundry trying to see if there is one that smells less appalling than the rest, and you’re really annoyed with yourself for wearing hoodies while you run in the morning because now they’re all dirty and not a single one smells less like sweat than the others.

you throw yourself dramatically onto your bed, really today just sucks. it’s not even like there’s anything that has been terrible that has happened, it’s just that today is the worst day to have a bad day because you were already in a terrible mood when you woke up.

a soft knock at the door pulls you from your thoughts, and you tilt your head backwards on the bed to see clarke standing just outside your doorway. you turn onto your stomach on the bed and wave your hand for her to come in.

she gently pushes the door open and steps into your room with something in her hand. you look down to see a blue sweatshirt being held out to you.

“i’ve noticed that you have recently insisted on wearing yours when you run in the mornings, why you want to wear a thick jacket when it’s always close to eighty degrees is beyond me, but I figured you’d want something to wear that didn’t smell like sweat”

you take the clothing article from her and hold it in your hands for a moment, because you’re pretty sure that clarke has never really seen you come back from a run, let alone enough to notice that you do it everytime. 

“thank you clarke, but you really don’t have to,”

she waves you off with her hand in reply, “really lexa, I think I’m doing all of your classmates a favour by giving you a clean sweatshirt that doesn’t reek, so shut up and take mine”

you give her a small smile and roll off of the bed to put the sweatshirt on, but your dirty one is currently stuck to your skin, so you end up having to take off the shirt under it as well. across the room you hear a small noise, and quickly pull the clean hoodie over your head to see clarke facing the wall.

“you can turn around now dork,” you tease, throwing your wet clothing into your hamper. 

clarke turns around and you’re pretty sure that her cheeks are a little bit more flushed than before, and if you weren’t about to be running late to class you’d probably ask her if she is feeling okay because she looks a little unwell and is looking at you a little weird.

but then she rolls her eyes at you and tells you to get a move on so you’re not late. you laugh and grab your bag before heading out the door. as you walk, you notice that there’s a smell that is following you. its subtle but warm, a little bit like honey and citrus. you’re not really sure where its coming from, but then you realize you recognize the scent.

it’s clarke, and you’re wearing her sweatshirt. you’re thankful that she gave it to you, and a little bit surprised. you know that this is one of her favourites, you used to see her wearing it all the time in highschool. that makes you a little nervous because what if someone runs into with coffee again and it ruins her hoodie, then she’ll definitely never talk to you again. 

you think that maybe tonight you should just ask her if she’s upset with you or not, that way at least you know. you guys are to the point where you should be able to talk about these things and still be okay right?

you think so, so you’ve decided that you’re going to talk to her when you’re back for the night, but for now, you get to go listen to the archive dinosaurs lecture.

//

you got out of class and managed to find some time to get some work done on that paper you forgot about, and then you snagged dinner for both you and clarke from the dining hall after making sure that she would in fact be there when you get back.

you walk in the door and place the chicken pitas on counter. you look around for clarke, and you can’t really find her but you know that she’s here because her room keys are on the hook. finally you try knocking on her bedroom door, and the movement knocks the door open slightly and you can see her in there curled up fast asleep on her bed. 

you debate on waking her up or not, but you remembered that when you texted her she said that she hadn’t eaten all day so you nudge the door open enough to walk in and pause beside the bed. you lightly shake her shoulder with your hand, and when that doesn’t work you shake her a little more while softly saying her name. 

she murmurs something in her sleep, and slowly her eyes blink open and adjust to the light. she startles a little when her eyes focus on you, but then she gives you a small smile. “you better have a good food related reason for waking me up,” she says, and you really weren’t expecting her voice to sound that raspy.

you clear your throat slightly and nod your head, “yep, chicken pitas are waiting for you on the counter, I also brought back some extra hummus for you.”

clarke’s smile grows bigger as she shoves off her covers and stands up to follow you into the kitchen, “did you remember to get-”

“tortilla chips instead of pita bread?” you ask, cutting her off, “yep I sure did you weird ass”

clarke laughs and slips into the kitchen with you. she moves to get plates while you slide her the boxes of food and move to the fridge to get two waters out. you open your bottle and take a few sips as clarke moves the food over to the plates and then throws hers into the microwave.

she scoots your plate across the counter, and you take it from her and make your way into the living room, but not before grabbing the handful of napkins that you know she’s going to be needing.

the two of you eat your food and watch the office, and when you’re both done with your food part of you doesn’t even want to ask her about avoiding you because this is the most time you’ve spent together in almost a week and half. 

you spend the next fifteen minutes looking over at her nervously every so often, and you’ve completely twisted the blanket in your hands. and really you shouldn’t be surprised when she catches on and turns to you with a questioning look on her face. you drop her gaze and try and act like you weren’t totally staring, but she’s not having it.

she turns off the tv and turns to face you on the couch. “alright lexa, come on, out with it. something has been bothering you all evening.”

“well I wouldn’t say all evening”

“lexa”

you sigh and rub your hand across your face. “I just, I wanted to say I was sorry for the whole day before my birthday thing, I know I made things awkward between us and I just—”

“lexa what are you talking about, you didn’t make anything awkward between us. I was really glad that you shared things with me that night” clarke looks at you in confusion.

“but, I don’t understand, then why have you been avoiding me?” you ask, looking down at your hands, twisting the blanket more and more in your grasp.

“oh lexa,” clarke says softly, she reaches out with one hand to still your movements with the blanket, “lexa i haven’t been avoiding you, i just, it’s a hard time of the year for me is all”

you look up at her quizzically and she smiles a small, sad looking smile.

“right but you don’t really know why that is” she says softly, pulling her hand back into her own lap. you wish she hadn’t, you like when she does that. she sighs and looks up at you, but when she does her eyes are shining.

“my dad died on october twenty sixth, and i just, whenever it gets close to that date i miss him so bad it’s like i can’t breathe,” she takes a deep breath in, and you instinctively reach across to grab her hand because it always calms you down. she lets out a small chuckle, and gently squeezes your hand.

“i haven’t been avoiding you lexa, i just have been trying to keep myself busy with my art in classes so that i don’t have time to think about him. so i haven’t really seen anyone lately, I mean today is the first time in a week that i had more than just a text conversation with raven and octavia. i promise i’m not avoiding you.”

suddenly you feel so stupid, you should have remembered. hell, raven totally mentioned something the other day about clarke’s dad but you only heard half the comment so you totally brushed it off. you feel so bad that clarke has been hurting for a while now and you didn’t even notice. you grab her hand tighter, and gently tug her closer to you and into a hug.

“i’m sorry clarke,” you murmur into her hair, and you feel tears drop onto your shoulder. “whatever I can do to help in the next few days I will. if you just need someone to drill you on vocab for a class, or even have a mario kart competition, or if you just want someone to sit on the couch with you so you’re not alone i’ll be there.”

clarke pulls away from you, and your heart pangs when you see watery blue eyes looking back at you, her lips lift into a tiny smile, and she reaches up with one hand to cup your cheek. you startle to her touch at first, and then slowly relax. “thank you lexa,” she whispers, “I think I wouldn’t mind sitting here on the couch for a while longer if you’re up for it.”

you chuckle softly under your breath and nod as she drops her hand down from your cheek, “I’m very much up for it.”

you shift away from her to grab the remote and settle back down to watch tv. clarke shuffles on the couch beside you, and after a few seconds of shuffling you turn to look at her, but her eyes are focused on her lap.

“clarke?” 

“i- do you think you could, i- nevermind actually,” she stutters out, and continues to shuffle.

you think you understand what she wants, so you loop one arm around her and gently pull her into your side. she jumps at your touch, but then allows you to guide her so her head is resting against a pillow on your thigh. 

you pause with your hand hovering lightly over her side, unsure if that is too far. but she must sense your hesitation, because she reaches across her body to gently push your hand down so your palm is resting on her side just under her ribcage. 

you sigh softly, because while you’re glad that she wasn’t avoiding you, you’re upset that you hadn’t noticed how clarke clearly hadn’t really been herself lately. you feel dumb for thinking it was something about you, and not paying more attention to the things that your other friends had been saying. 

you unconsciously sweep her hair away from her face, and after that you begin lightly rubbing your fingers against her scalp. clarke shivers under you, and pulls her blanket up further around her body. 

you vow right now to make it up to clarke, because she was there for you when you were upset. you’re going to do whatever you can to make this week a little more bearable for clarke, because it’s what she deserves. 

but for now you’re going to sit here with her, and let her know that is isn’t alone, the rest of the planning can wait for tomorrow.


	26. "no reason"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the date of clarke's dad's death is approaching and lexa is trying to help lift her mood

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, some of the chapters are getting a little longer now, and i know before i tried to do two a day but that may not be the case as they are getting longer. if it's two shorter chapters then there probably will be two uploads but it kind of depends on how busy i am lol. but anyways enjoy the chapter.

_71) no reason_

**Clarke POV**

you are pretty sure that lexa is up to something. the past day and a half she’d been out of the apartment more than normal, and anytime you asked her what she was doing she either wouldn’t reply or would give you an answer that was so obviously a lie. you really expected her to be a better liar than that, she is lexa woods after all.

you can’t confirm your suspicions, and of course anya just pretends she has no idea what you’re talking about so that’s a dead end. you’re not really sure what it has to do with. but it must be something important. 

true to her word lexa has been around to help you all she possibly can. even when she’s in class, and you’re not, she sends you an email folder full of funny memes and videos to lift your mood. she’s spent the nights out on the couch with you, lightly holding onto you or playing with your hair. even when she has work to do, she brings her book out and props it up on her other side so she can still keep you company.

you’re still amazed at this side of her. you’re pretty sure she doesn’t even know how sweet she is. 

you’re pretty sure that you have feelings for her at this point, but you’re not sure. which is how you find yourself in octavia and raven’s apartment, asking octavia for advice.

“sounds like a crush to me,” octavia deadpans when you explain the situation

you groan and put your head down on the countertop, “okay but what if they’re just really friendly friend feelings”.

octavia laughs at that, and you lift your head up to glare at her, but she’s not done laughing yet, so you sit there and wait. “i’m sorry but do you hear yourself clarke, ‘really friendly friend feelings’, i’m going to write that one down”.

you try to glare at her even more. you so should have gone to someone else for advice.

“but seriously clarke,” octavia says, and you hope she’s about to say something actually useful, “do you find her attractive?”

“octavia no more bullshit, you’re just making fun of me at this point.”

“clarke I’m being serious, do you?”

so you think, do you? there’s no denying that lexa isn’t beautiful. you look at her and itch to draw her, paint her, anything really to capture her image. she has the greenest eyes you’ve ever seen, and it’s dumb and cheesy but you’re pretty sure her cheekbones could cut glass. 

and then there’s the fact that you accidently saw her stomach the other day when she was changing into your hoodie. you knew she ran and worked out, but you weren’t expecting her to have full blown abs. you’re still not sure if she heard your sharp intake before you quickly turned to face the wall. 

“earth to clarke” octavia says, looking at you impatiently, “do you or do you not find her attractive.”

you clear your throat and sit a little straighter in your seat. “i mean the answer to that is yes O, but I know i’m not the only one who thinks that” you say, thinking you can redirect, “I mean in highschool plenty of people thought she was attractive”.

“okay one, plenty of people in high school wanted to bone her,” octavia says.

“ew octavia what the fuck”

“and second,” octavia says, holding up a hand to cut you off, “you’re not fooling me, so let’s just say you find her attractive and cut the rest of the stuff.”

you roll your eyes. how in the world her and lincoln have made it this far you’ll never know, she’s so impatient when it comes to talking things through.

“okay next question, do you want to date her?”

“octavia, this isn’t advice, okay, if I had the answer to these questions I wouldn’t need the advice. I have feelings but I don’t really know what they are just yet. I don’t know if they’re relationship feelings or just close friend feelings okay, so just, enough with the overdirect questions”.

“you said cut the bullshit,” octavia grumbles, and you shoot her a glare. “fine, okay clarke listen, have you ever had these feelings about me?”

“what, ew no octavia”

“okay, ouch, watch it with the ew comments,” she says, smiling at you teasingly, “but why haven’t you had these feelings for me?”

you sit there looking at her like she’s gone crazy, how in the world are these questions supposed to be helping right now. 

“answer the question clarke”

“because you’re my friend”

“exactly.”

“exactly what!” you ask in exasperation.

“oh my god clarke do I need to spell it out for you?” she stares at you and you look back at her in confusion, “wow, okay, you don’t have these feelings for me because we’re just friends and you don’t ever want more than that. but you have these feelings for lexa because you’re not just friends and you do want more than that. can we be done now, figuring out your feelings for you is exhausting.”

but you’re not listening to the rest of what she has to say. because she’s right. lexa isn’t just your friend anymore. you’re not even sure how it’s possible, but you’ve learned more about her and gotten closer to her in two months than you had in the years you’ve known her. 

you don’t just consider her a friend, you want her to be more than that but you don’t even know what to do with this newly discovered information. you feel hot and lightheaded. you’re pretty sure you’re panicking. 

octavia’s voice comes from in front of you, infinitely softer than it was earlier, “clarke, clarke calm down it’s okay. figuring out your feelings about someone can be really overwhelming, even if someone technically did it for you,” she elbows you lightly in the ribs, and you can feel the panic dissipating, “you’re going to figure it all out, and it’s going to be okay.”

“but maybe not this week?” you ask quietly, standing up off the barstool and making your way to your shoes.

octavia nods and walks with you to the door, “whenever you’re ready is the best time clarke, don’t rush it”.

you hug her tightly before you go. octavia may be impatient, and she may be a pain in the ass more times than she’s not, but she’s one of your best friends, and you know she’s right about this. 

but you’re not ready just yet. this week has been hard enough, and is going to get worse. you don’t really need something else to worry or stress about. you send lexa a quick text saying you’re on your way back, and head off down the steps.

//

the next day you wake up, and you smell something sweet. you’re not sure where its coming from so you slowly get dressed and make your way into the kitchen. 

you aren’t prepared for what you see when you get to the doorframe. lexa is facing the stovetop flipping pancakes and making eggs and bacon. you smile, because she looks so happy. she’s wearing a baggy ash grey Henley shirt, a pair of light blue shorts that have little moons on them, and the fuzziest pair of socks you’ve ever seen.

she must have just gotten out of the shower because her hair is falling in tight wet curls all down her back and she has her glasses on, so you know she must have skipped her run this morning to do this. 

she’s humming to herself, and you barely recognize the soft jazz tune, but you’re shocked, because never in a million years would you have thought that lexa could sing. 

you shift your foot and it comes down on a creaky board and she turns around in surprise with the spatula in her hand like a sword.

“expecting someone else?” you ask with a chuckle, moving into the kitchen.

lexa lowers her makeshift weapon back to the stove, and you catch her blush before she turns her back to you, “no you just startled me is all”.

“what’s all this for?” you ask, “I didn’t know you could cook”

“there’s a lot about me you don’t know,” lexa says, looking over her shoulder at you with a mischievous look in her eyes.

you smile to yourself, because yes, you bet there is. 

“i didn’t mean to wake you,” lexa says, turning her attention back to the pancakes, you watch as she deftly shakes the pan and the two pancakes flip inside, “i was going to surprise you when it was all done.”

a smile overtakes your face before you can stop it. “you made me breakfast? why?” 

lexa flips the pancakes out, then the eggs, then the bacon all onto two plates and hands one to you along with the jug of syrup. “no reason,” she says, and you give her a look so she relents and says, “it’s been a hard few days for you” 

you want to hug her so badly right now, but first you just have to take a bite of the pancakes because they’re so fluffy looking. you douse them in syrup as lexa watches on and cringes. the second you take a bite you can’t help but sigh contentedly.

“lexa these are the best pancakes I’ve ever had” you mumble around your second mouthful.

lexa grins, and the two of you sit and eat breakfast until you both have to get ready for classes. you thank her as you part ways on the quad, and she just smiles at you, and yeah, you’re crushing hard. really hard. 

//

but that isn’t where the surprises end.

wednesday you’ve been dragging your feet all day long and you’re just so tired and really want a nap. technically your classes aren’t done for the day but at this current moment in time you could care less.

you walk in the door and notice that lexa isn’t there, but for some reason there are sticky notes literally all over the place. you think that maybe she has been doing one of her bizzare study methods, but then you read what it says.

“clarke, somewhere in this apartment i have hidden a surprise for you. each sticky note will tell you cold, colder, hot or hotter to indicate how close you are to finding the object. there are no notes in your room as i wanted to respect your privacy, but there are notes in mine and you are welcome to search in there. good luck and i’ll see you tonight. – L”

you smile so wide it almost hurts, and suddenly you’re not even that tired anymore. nobody has ever done something like this for you and you’re beyond excited. you start in the living room as it is the closest to you, and the first sticky note is placed on top of a book telling you that you are cold. you move to the tv and find colder. 

you get closer when you move to the kitchen, and then colder as you move closer to the door. you follow the arrow notes to lexa’s room, and despite her telling you that you were okay to enter, you pause in front of the door. but you notice that some of the notes close to the door tell you that you’re hot, so you move inside.

inside her room, you get colder as you walk further from the door, so you stop halfway through your search and leave the room.

this leaves only the bathroom. you search in the tub and are cold, then under the sink and are hot, then you notice the note on the door that says hotter, so you close the door and see a note that says hottest. 

problem is, all that is there are the towels hanging on rack attached to the back of the door. then you see that one of the towels says smoking on it, and when you pull the towels to the side, there it is, a greenday vinyl record attached to the back of the door with painters tape. 

you laugh and gently pull it from the door and throw away the tape. you head to your room and start the record up on your record player, and quickly send lexa a video of it playing along with a text thanking her.

you crawl into your bed as the record plays on in the background, and you’re really happy that you have lexa, because this week is so hard, but she still is finding ways to make you smile. you close your eyes listening to the record, and make a mental note to give lexa a super tight hug when she returns.

//

Thursday you’re sitting in the living room when anya and lexa both come in the door arguing over something. 

“okay but it wasn’t even my fault that it happened anya, you totally tripped me on purpose don’t even act like you didn’t.” lexa snaps.

“what, I did not trip you, it’s not my fault you got the short end of the balance genes in the family,” anya retorts.

“they said they’d fix it for me,” lexa whines, clearly ignoring the last comment, “I mean you heard them say it right, that they would fix it.”

“you’re delusional,” anya says, walking to the kitchen and straight to the snack cupboard.

you feel like you’re interrupting something, and you’re not even sure if either of them have registered the fact that you’re sitting on the couch right in front of them. you’re kinda lost about the exchange, why did lexa trip, and what is someone fixing for her?

“um, hi guys?” you say hesitantly.

lexa’s head snaps up from whatever is inside the bag she carried in, and anya turns to face you while eating some of lexa’s cheese puffs. lexa notices her snack choice at the same time as you and whirls to whip the bag out of anya’s hands with a glare.

“hello clarke, sorry we were loud were you sleeping?” lexa says softly

you shake your head no and ask lexa what is in the bag.

anya mumbles something under her breath about a knotted hug, and you have no idea what that means, but it’s enough for lexa to elbow her hard in the ribs.

“um well, I made something for you, in anya’s pottery class that is, but, it didn’t really turn out the way I wanted to because there was a technical issue.”

“otherwise known as lexa falling on her ass because she slipped on wet clay,” anya supplies while lexa glares.

“it’s okay lex, I’m sure it’s wonderful, what is it?”

lexa sighs and pulls it from the bag, “it’s a mug”

“not a mug” anya says.

and now anya’s comment makes sense. you think that maybe it was a mug, but then it looks like someone dropped it while it was wet, and now it looks more like a hybrid cross between a pitcher and a bowl.

“it’s a wonderful mug lexa thank you,” you say, taking it from her hand to admire the blue waves painted on.

anya rolls her eyes and tells you all about lexa tripping up on the way to the kiln, and how she must have been hearing things about someone fixing it because that was never said. 

“thank you for my mug lexa,” you say, placing it up in the cabinet, and anya gets out yet another comment about it not being a mug so you counter with, “it’s the thought that counts anya”.

anya rolls her eyes at you and lexa smirks proudly. the two of them come and join you on the couch, and even after anya has gone lexa stays sitting with you as she reads her book and you watch reruns of old shows in the background. 

you smile softly as you think about all the nice things lexa has done, and how when the week is over you’re going to make something nice for her to thank her. you’re thinking of ideas as you slowly nod off on the couch.

//

Friday is hard, its one day away from the date your father passed away six years ago, and you’ve spent most of the day in a trance, just moving from class to class but not really paying any attention. 

lexa made you eat at lunch time, which you’re thankful for, and it did make you smile a little bit when she threatened to barricade the door so you couldn’t get out until you ate just a little something.

she’s been watching you all day, and you know she’s worried about you. you think its sweet that she has been trying so hard this week to make you happy, but you don’t want her to think that she has to. 

she’s not here now because she said she had to run to her internship to grab a few things, but she promised to grab dinner on the way back. you don’t really feel like eating, but you said yes anyways.

so you’re sitting on the couch, clutching a pillow to your stomach as you watch reruns of the office. you don’t hear the door open, or even notice that lexa is back in the apartment until she comes around into the living room to squat down in front of you.

“i’m going to heat up dinner if you want to go shower before we eat,” she says softly, resting her hand on your knee.

you nod numbly and stand up to make your way to the bathroom. but before you can go anywhere lexa grabs your hand and pulls you into her. she wraps her arms around you and holds you tight, and you link your arms around her back and rest your head against her shoulder. she rubs one hand between your shoulder blades, and whispers a soft, “i know” that almost has you coming undone. 

she releases you after a moment, and you reluctantly turn away from her and head to the bathroom.

//

after your shower you feel a little better. you took a super long one and just let the water run over you as you tried to clear your head. 

lexa is standing in the kitchen eating her dinner when you come out, and you’re surprised she didn’t wait for you until you see what she has waiting for you on the counter: cookies and cream ice cream.

you almost tear up again because she’s literally perfect, but instead you swallow hard and manage out a weak thank you. lexa grabs you by the hand and guides you, and your ice cream, out of the kitchen and into the living room, she sits down first and then gently pulls you down with her so that you’re leaning against her side while she sits sideways on the couch. 

you don’t know what you’ve done to deserve this from her, she’s literally doing everything she can and then more for you. you’re overcome with heavy sadness about your dad, and something light and soft about lexa. “I” you begin, but you can’t really get anything else out.

lexa reaches down to hold your hand and squeezes it softly and you know she understands. you don’t have to say anything else because she knows. you heart jumps and you settle down to watch the movie she has picked out.

you try not to notice how she doesn’t let go of your hand for the rest of the movie

//

When the movie is over lexa stands up from the couch and walks into the kitchen, you’re almost asleep and don’t even notice what she’s doing until she comes back with a basket in her hands. 

you open your eyes and try to focus them on her and what she’s holding out to you.

“this is the final gift of the week,” lexa says softly, “i talked to octavia and raven who said that your father is buried up near Jacksonville because you have family there, so tomorrow I’ve arranged to borrow anya’s car so that I can drive you up there if you’d like to visit him.”

it’s too much, she’s too much, and you burst into tears. lexa quickly drops the basket and kneels down in front of you so that she can pull you into her arms. “I’m sorry clarke, I didn’t mean to upset you so much, you don’t have to go if you don’t want to.”

“it’s not that,” you manage out and pull away from her a little, “it’s just, it’s you, you’re being so just, so perfect and wonderful and I just, I’m so glad you’re here lexa. I’m so glad you’re you.”

lexa smiles softly at you, and pulls you back in again. she lets you cry against her shoulder for god only knows how long, and when you’re finished you feel so bad because you’ve totally soaked one side of her shirt. 

you try to apologize, but she isn’t having it. but then you spot the basket in the back, and you ask lexa what it’s for and she blushes. “it’s stupid,” she mumbles, and you shake your head and tell her it’s never stupid, so she tells you, “it’s got a blanket, and your favourite sandwhich, as well as some flowers, so that you can have a picnic there with him”.

and damn it if that isn’t enough to make you cry all over again. this time you pick the opposite shoulder that you can even out her wet shirt. before you can stop yourself the words are out of your mouth, “come with me”.

lexa gently moves you away from her so she can look at you. “clarke are you sure? I don’t ever want to intrude?”

you nod your head, and tell her yes, you’re sure, “he would want to meet you, because you’ve helped me so much this week, if he was here he would want to meet you and this is as close to that as I can get”.

lexa nods understandingly, and shifts up onto the couch to sit beside you. she says nothing when you move to lay down with your head on her lap, instead she just tangles her fingers in your hair. tomorrow is going to be a sad day, this you know, but at least for tonight you get to enjoy being with lexa, and knowing that she has done all of this just to help you makes you feel happy, and for now, that’s enough.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i particularly enjoyed writing the scene between clarke and octavia because i actually have had a situation like that happen to me where a friend came to me thinking they had feelings for someone and not really knowing if they were right. and it's always so funny when it's so clear to you that someone is crushing hard but the other person is totally oblivious so, i hope you enjoyed it because it was fun to write.


	27. "you didn't have to ask

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clarke and lexa take a trip to visit clarke's dad

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so, idk what happened but i tried posting this a few seconds ago and for some reason the whole thing was in italics so... second times the charm? but this is another longer chapter, but then after this there may be a few shorter ones depending but, anyways. i hope you enjoy!

_68) you didn’t have to ask_

**Lexa POV**

its six am Saturday morning and you’re so nervous you’ve barely slept. you didn’t ever expect clarke to ask you to come with her to see her father. you don’t have it in you to tell her that cemeteries creep you out. 

you don’t like the idea of thousands of people being buried under the ground you walk on. plus then there’s the documentary you watched on premature burial, and it kinda made you wonder just how many people were declared dead and buried when they were in fact alive. you think the number is probably higher than some people think.

but you want to be there for her. something inside of you has become protective of her. you’re not really sure what it is. you’ve always been protective of people but this is different. you don’t just want to physically protect her, you want to do so emotionally as well.

the problem is you’re not really sure how to do that. feelings really aren’t you’re strong suit. you don’t really know what to do or say when people cry. with clarke it’s a little easier, you know that she likes touch, so when she’s upset or crying you hug her, but you don’t know what to say to make it better.

you do understand her feelings of course. but the two of you are very different in how you express your feelings. you tend to bottle them all up until they explode inside you and that typically leads to drinking, or a panic attack, but usually the drinking. 

you used to enjoy being alone when you were going through something hard. it used to be easier for you to sort out your feelings when it was only you present to think about them. but now you’re not so sure if that is still the case. lately clarke has gotten better on picking up on your silent moods, and when she does she makes it her job to not leave your side. 

you think that a year ago, or really even three months ago, you would have been bothered by someone not respecting your space. but you’re starting to think that clarke is onto something, because having her around you is calming. you still feel everything, but it’s better, less swirly and messy inside of you. it feels like something you can get through when she is there.

clarke on the other hand has always been very transparent with her emotions, and you don’t understand how she is able to do it. she lets other people see her be sad, and upset, and angry, and you wish you knew how to do that without taking those emotions out on other people. 

she’s always made it clear that when she is upset she doesn’t want to be alone, and you’re jealous that she is able to articulate these feelings and wants so confidently, because if you were to ask for someone to stay with you, it would make you feel weak, and vulnerable.

you know you’re getting a little bit better at asking for help when you need it, but it’s probably always going to be something you struggle with because it goes against everything you were taught as a kid.

your alarm goes off on your bedside table, and you think that if you make it fast you can squeeze in a run before it’s time to get clarke up and get on the road. you change quickly, and when you’re in your closet grabbing a sweatshirt you realize that you never returned the one that clarke let you borrow the other day.

you’re reluctant to give it back to her, because it still smells like her, and you kinda like that. but you toss it gently onto your bed and make a mental note to wash it and give it back to her soon. 

you finish dressing and slowly sneak out of the apartment, careful not to wake clarke. you want her to get all the rest she can because this is going to be a hard day for her.

//

an hour later you’ve finished your run and took the fastest shower of your life before starting on making breakfast. it’s now 7:15, and if clarke isn’t up in the next ten minutes then you know you need to wake her so that the two of you can get on the road at a decent time. 

you finish off the pancakes and bacon, and when you’ve put them onto two plates you realize that clarke is not yet out of bed yet, so you make your way into her room to get her up. 

but when you gently open the door you realize that you’re wrong, she is up, and even dressed, but she’s just sitting on her bed, staring blankly down at something in her hands.

she notices your movement in the door, and looks up at you, and that’s when you see the tear tracks on her face. she holds up the stack of papers in her hands, “i write him letters every year, but this is going to be the first year in three years that i’ve actually been able to come and visit him.

you nod your head softly, and slowly walk into the room to stand next to the bed beside her. she leans into your side, and you rub small circles on her back. you’re not really sure what to say, so you sit there with her for a few moments until she shuffles around and slides out of bed.

“did you make pancakes again?” she asks hopefully, and you smile at her because a little bit of light has come back to her eyes. 

“sure did,” you say, leading her into the kitchen, “I even covered yours in syrup so it could start soaking before you eat them”

that earns you a small laugh, and you sit beside clarke at the counter as the two of you slowly eat breakfast together. you spend the whole time trying not to cringe as clarke eats her soggy pancakes beside you. you truly detest syrup on anything. to you there are only two ways to eat pancakes: with chocolate chips, or not at all. 

but she’s happy with her nasty soppy mess, so you just do yourself a favour and try not to look at her plate until she’s completely done. 

afterwards, the two of you move around the kitchen, cleaning it the best you can because you really should have been on the road a half hour ago. 

finally you’re done, and are walking out the door with the basket in hand, as well as the bouquet of flowers that you grabbed this morning on your run to place when you arrive there. 

clarke freezes when you get to the car, but you don’t notice until you’re already over in the driver’s seat waiting for her. when you see her standing there, just staring at the door handle, you wait it out, today is a day that she needs to do things on her own, not be pushed to do them.

a minute later, she opens the car door, and when she gets in she moves to apologize but you cut her off and tell her you understand, and she doesn’t have to apologize. she nods her head and buckles her seat belt, and you hand her the flowers that were down by your feet. it must be the first time all morning she’s even noticed you had flowers, because she looks up at you with a small smile and tears in her eyes.

she places the flowers carefully down in the floorboards and reaches across the car to cling to your hand. you pretend that something isn’t fluttering inside of you when she never lets go.

//

about two and a half hours later you’re parked outside of the cemetery, and once again are waiting for clarke to get out of the car now. you’re standing outside the passenger side, leaning against the back door and taking in what’s in front of you.

you have to admit, it’s beautiful for a cemetery. normally when you think of one, you think of dark colors and dead trees and yellow grass. but this is far from that. the grass is the brightest green you’ve ever seen, which you’re pretty sure has more to do with a creepy biochemical reaction than just good lawn maintenance. 

but really, there is a beautiful weeping willow in the middle of the small plot, and tiny patches of flowers are growing here and there between the scattered headstones. 

you’re a little worried that clarke isn’t going to be able to do this, and you think that maybe you made things a little worse by suggesting she come here. you didn’t realize that this is the first time in three years that she had been able to come. 

you don’t really know as much about clarke as you thought you did. in fact, you’re not quite sure how her father even died. he passed before you came to school with everyone, so all you ever hear was just whispers of comments, but you never paid them much attention. 

the car door opens beside you and clarke steps out with a determined look on her face and her notes held in one hand. you close the door behind her, and pick the picnic basket up from the ground and let her lead the way.

as you’re walking, you jump slightly when you feel her hand slide into yours and grip hard. you squeeze her hand back but don’t let go, knowing that clarke needs connection like this.

soon she’s stopped the two of you in front of a beautiful headstone that has ‘jacob michael griffin’ engraved onto the front. she steps forward but you release her hand to hang back so she can have a moment.

you watch as she steps up to the stone, and places her hand on top of it and speaks softly. you turn your head a bit so as to give her some privacy, but then she’s calling your name and holding her hand out to you.

you hesitantly step forward, unsure of where she wants you to come to, but when you’re close enough she pulls you beside her and begins speaking, “dad, this is lexa, she’s my friend, and think if you were here you’d really really love her.”

you shuffle your feet a little and pull the flowers out to hand to clarke so that she can place them in front of the grave. clarke squeezes your hand, and lays the flowers down gently, and then steps back with you to look at them.

after, clarke spends a little more time standing in front of the stone, as you spread out the blanket to the side of the headstone and get out the food. when everything is ready, clarke comes to join you on the blanket. 

the two of you eat in silence, and when you’re done, clarke pulls the letters from her pocket and stares at them. “it feels weird to read them out loud,” she says softly.

oh, right, she wants to be able to do this part in private. “okay, um, i can pack this up and head back to the car?” you suggest, already moving to pack the trash back into the basket.

“no, no” clarke says, reaching across to stop your movements, “i, even if you weren’t here, it would feel weird. some of them are, well they’re angry, at him you know. for leaving so fast, but now that i’m here, it doesn’t feel right to read them.”

you nod in understanding and reach into the basket to pull out a lighter you noticed that was in there this morning. you hold it out to clarke, and she takes it from you while looking at you questioningly.

“you could burn them,” you suggest, clearing your throat, “when, well when costia died, i didn’t really know where she was buried, i still don’t. so, for a while after that whenever i had something i wished i could say to her, i would write it down and then, you know, burn it. i guess i did it because i thought somehow it would get to her, no matter where she was.”

you swallow hard and look up at clarke, and she’s looking at you so softly that you almost feel fragile. “thank you lexa,” she whispers, and she stands up and takes the letters and the lighter over to the headstone.

you turn your back and start packing up the basket so that she can have her privacy, but you leave the blanket down. when you turn back around, clarke is igniting the final letter, and all four letters are lined in a row, slowly burning on top of the headstone. it’s eerie looking, but you think it’s beautiful.

she comes and sits next to you as the paper continues to burn. you recline back, using your hands behind you to prop you up, and clarke sits up straight beside you.

“you remind me of him a little bit” she murmurs, and you turn to look at her in confusion. 

“i do?”

clarke nods, and turns to look at you with a sad smile, “you have a big heart like he did, and you’re kind like he was, and dorky too.”

you chuckle at that, and take a moment to digest that information. 

clarke sighs beside you and then eventually lays down on the blanket to rest her head in the familiar position in your lap. you run a hand lazily through her hair and as the last paper burns to ash, she closes her eyes and nods off.

//

clarke naps on the blanket for about an hour while you read a book and spend some time thinking about what she said and everything that has happened this week.

this week has scared you a little. the last time you cared about someone this much, you ended up getting your heart broken, and the result was that someone died. you want to be able to open up more to clarke, you want to let her in more, but you’re scared. 

you really love being her friend, but you’re not sure that’s all you want. but at the same time, if she doesn’t want the same, and you confess to her, then you lose her friendship and are left with nothing.

the odds of her liking you back are slim, sure she does things that sometime make it seem otherwise, like holding your hand, or sitting so close to you on the couch at night, or napping with her head laying on your thigh. but clarke has always been like this with other people as well. maybe not as much, but you two are roommates after all so it’s only natural that you are a little closer in some respects. 

you just, you really don’t want to fuck this up, so you know that sometime soon you need to talk to anya or maybe even raven about this. 

as you’re thinking, clarke stirs slightly in her sleep and you look down at her. she has now turned over, so instead of facing away from you, her nose is now tucked in by your hip bone, and her hand has a tight grip on the seam of your t-shirt. 

you reach down to brush her hair away from her eyes, and the movement causes her eyes to flutter open and look up at you sleepily. you smile down at her, and place your book off to the side.

after a few moments, she slowly sits up, and the two of you silently agree that it’s time to pack things up and head back to the car. 

//

a few hours later and you’re back in the apartment sitting on the ground in front of the couch. you’ve both already had dinner, and clarke had requested having a living room sleepover, so the both of you built a rather large sleeping pad on the floor in front of the tv. it’s now dark outside, and even though it’s not late, waking up early and driving all day is taking a toll on the both of you.

clarke is already laying down on her pillow, with her blankets pulled up to her chin. she’s barely even watching the tv at this point, so you click it off and shuffle around a bit before taking off your glasses and laying down to go to bed.

you lay down so you’re facing each other, and clarke is silent for a moment before she looks up at you, “thank you for coming with me today, i know that it was a big request after you did so much for me and i feel bad for asking you.”

you violently shake your head, “no clarke, you didn’t have to ask. you literally could have just said ‘bitch you’re coming with me’ and i would have gone.”

clarke laughs at that, and pulls the blanket down so you can see most of her face now. “still lex, I know that cemeteries creep you out.”

“uh they totally do not,” you try to protest, but she just gives you a look, “damn it who told you?”

“a little birdie”

“mmmhmm, raven is so dead the next time I see her,” you say, laughing at clarke’s comment.

“but really lexa,” clarke reaches over and grabs onto your forearm, and you can tell by the look on her face that now she’s being serious, “thank you for coming with me today, and for everything you’ve done this week, it was incredibly sweet and i want you to know how much I appreciate you”

you nod your head, not really knowing how to get words out right now, and clarke lips lift into a small smile as she releases your arm and pulls the blanket back up to cover her face again.

“goodnight lex,” she whispers softly.

you watch her eyelids flutter, and then finally shut, “goodnight clarke”.


	28. "it looks good on you"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> clarke has a conversation with octavia and raven, and lexa has something that belongs to clarke

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i haven't updated the past couple of days. idk if anyone has heard about this but in the US onions are currently spreading salmonella. how this works i don't really know but. onions are kinda a staple when i cook, and i stress cook quite frequently. it took me a couple of days to put it together, because well, i'm lactose intolerant with a death wish and can't stay away from gouda cheese and heavy cream so, i figured that's what it was when i wasn't feeling good. and then i saw the news, and realized that even after i hadn't had any milk products in 24 hours, i was still miserable. and of course in just 72 hours i'd had four different meals using the same damn onion so. that's where i've been. first time in three years i get salmonella and it comes from an onion. this is ironic because i am absolutely paranoid when it comes to cooking chicken. i'm talking like, deep cleaning the entire kitchen every time i cook it, and almost always overcooking the chicken because the last time i got it, it was bad. so it's like funny now that i'm feeling better to look back and think that one of the meals i made was lime chicken with onions, and yet it wasn't the chicken that got me sick so. lol. just an fyi to everyone out there, stay clear of onions for the time being, even if they haven't been recalled in your state lol. but yes, i hope you enjoy!

_32) it looks good on you_

**Clarke POV**

you wake up the next morning and it takes you a moment to remember that you’re out in the living room and not in your bed. it takes you approximately another two seconds to realize that your body is currently spooned around that of your brunette roommate.

shit.

stupid floor sleepover, stupid hot roommate, and stupid you for suggesting this when you know damn well you’re a stage five clinger in your sleep. 

your one arm is currently tucked in between your stomach and her back, but that’s not nearly as bad as the arm that is currently tucked around her waist, effectively holding her to you. oh, and can’t forget about the leg! yep, your left leg is most definitely tucked between hers. 

if lexa wakes up to this, she’s going to find it so weird and then she’s going to get all distant like she normally does when people cross boundaries with her. you listen, and can hear her rhythmic breathing, so it looks like at least she hasn’t noticed. yet. she still may wake up as you try and dislodge yourself from around her.

the problem is you really don’t want to. like, at all. her hair is spread across her pillow, and the ends are lightly tickling your face, and one of her hands is holding the arm around her in place, and if you didn’t know any better, you might guess that lexa is a cuddler as well. 

you want to stay here with her and be like this for a little while longer. she’s inexplicably soft when she sleeps. you can’t really see her face, but you can just barely make out the slight pout of her lips, and the way that one of her hands is balled up under her chin. 

you like this more than you should. you’re supposed to be shaking off these feelings. you’re supposed to be just acting friendly. but she’s making it so damn hard. 

you slowly try and pull your hand away from her waist, but the slightest movement causes her to stir a little in her sleep. fuck.

well, best to just rip off the bandaid. you plan your escape and count down from three in your head. three, two, one.

you jerk all of your appendages back to your body and roll over to face away from lexa as if nothing had never happened.

“clarke?” lexa asks, her voice groggy and confused.

you peek over your shoulder to see that your momentum had caused the girl to be rolled over onto her back, and she doesn’t look too pleased about the disturbance from her sleep.

“what just happened?” she asks, more awake now and definitely scowling.

“sorry,” you fumble, looking for a reasonable excuse, “i think you may have been laying on my blanket when I rolled over and so it pulled you.”

lexa looks at you for a few moments, but then nods and accepts your answer. “what time is it?” she asks, throwing her hand to her side to blindly search for her phone, “wow, we really slept in, it’s already 10:30.”

“that’s sleeping in for you?” you ask teasingly. and lexa shoots you a glare that definitely would have been more threatening had it not been for her atrocious bed head. 

you roll onto your back and stretch, you’re supposed to meet octavia and raven for lunch at their place in an hour, so it’s a good thing that you woke up when you did, because you don’t remember setting any alarms. 

“i’ve got to get up and get ready, i’m heading over to octavia and raven’s place for lunch if you’d like to join?” you ask, sitting up and folding your blankets.

lexa shakes her head and begins tidying her things as well. “i’d like to but i promised anya i’d come over and help with some project she has” lexa stands and holds her hand down to pull you up, you hold onto it as she easily pulls you from the ground, “maybe another time though?”

you nod your head, and realize that you haven’t dropped her hand yet, and quickly let go and turn to head toward your bedroom with your things in hand. shoving everything down is going to be a lot harder than you originally expected.

//

“so let me get this straight”

“or gay in clarke’s case”

“right, right, good point octavia”

you roll your eyes, telling them about this morning was clearly a mistake. you should have learned after years of being friends with them that telling them things typically leads to a round of teasing before they get onto the serious talk.

“clarke when you’re done rolling your eyes so hard they may be stuck, I believe I was speaking,” raven says pointedly.

you hold your hands up in the surrender position, knowing damn well that the longer you protest the worse the teasing will be.

“right,” raven continues, reclining against the counter, “so after lexa took you on an extremely thoughtful and caring trip, you two get home, and you, the one who is trying to conceal your feelings for her, thought that it was wise to suggest the two of you making a cuddle pad on the middle of the living room floor, knowing damn well that in your sleep you’re a little pervert?”

“it is not perverted to cuddle someone raven” you fire off, but octavia is holding up her hand.

“nope nope, one time, clarke you slept in my bed and I woke up to you totally feeling me up.”

“i was asleep O, it’s not like I can control my hands in my sleep,” you really wish that she would stop bringing that story up, it’s like her favourite embarrass the hell out of clarke story to tell whenever there’s company, or she’s drunk, or she’s drunk with company.

“focus ladies!” raven says, “anyways, so clarke invites lexa to spend the night with her on the floor and then wakes up fully tangled around said roommate. sounds like maybe clarke isn’t doing such a good job of trying to avoid situations that cause feelings.”

“clarke really wishes that you would speak about her like she’s actually in the room,” you scoff, and octavia snorts off to the side.

“well maybe clarke should think about the feeling related consequences to her actions so that we don’t have to spend an entire lunch discussing what we already know, which is that you’re gay as hell and are crushing hard, but I digress,” raven lifts her water up to her lips and you smirk knowingly.

“you digress huh, I don’t think I’ve ever heard you use that phrase in a sentence, but I know I’ve heard someone else use it quite often,” you know you’ve hit a nerve when raven glares at you over her water, “sounds like maybe i’m not the only one who is crushing hard on a woods sibling”

octavia is sitting off to the side, sipping her apple juice and grinning so wide you think it’s going to split her face. 

“nope, not allowed, octavia she’s trying to change the subject, tell her she can’t change the subject.”

“you’re changing the subject too now.”

“you changed it first!”

“oh my god, both of you,” octavia laughs, “I mean really, let’s just be blunt here okay. clarke, you have no interest in losing your feelings for lexa, like, not even a little bit okay. even if you think you do, you totally don’t or else you wouldn’t have suggested the Saturday night cuddle puddle thing. okay.”

your smile falls from your face because technically she’s right but you really wish that she wasn’t. raven smirks at you in victory, but it’s short lived.

“and you, reyes, wipe that grin off your face. you’re obviously up to something with anya and pretty much everyone here knows it. i mean you’re spending like every other night at her apartment, so don’t even pretend like you’re not in the same boat as clarke” octavia snaps, “now can we be done.”

raven sinks against the counter and you pick your fork up and shovel some of your food into your mouth in resignation.

octavia smiles, “good, now, let’s get back to lunch.”

//

two days later and you’ve come back to from class to sulk in your apartment because octavia told you not to speak to her until you can openly admit that you do in fact have a crush on lexa and don’t intend on getting rid of it.

you wish it was just that easy. you throw yourself onto the couch and groan into the pillow closest to you, because octavia didn’t have to worry about this kind of thing. her and lincoln were like that super gross love at first sight type of thing. 

when he transferred to the school his junior year, the second they met, pretty much everyone knew that they liked each other. there was no dancing around it, or complicated feelings. it was just that simple, they liked each other and in typical octavia fashion she asked him out and boom, that was history.

with you it’s much more complicated. you’ve technically known lexa since your freshman year when she transferred in. but you didn’t really get to know her well until the end of your junior year. but technically, you would call your relationship then one of being acquaintances, not friends.

you thought she was cold, and she never really showed any interest in getting to know you at all. you didn’t actually start talking more until the second half of your senior year, which is how you ended up being roommates. 

but even then you still weren’t friends, it was just a convenient living situation since raven and octavia had abandoned you to live together and since anya was living a little bit off campus in a studio loft.

and now it’s complicated. now you’re friends, really good friends, and even sometimes a bit more than that. but she’s still lexa, so she’s still fairly closed off, and not good at communicating her emotions, and it’s so damn hard for you to read her. 

granted she’s been opening up to you more and more lately, but still, there are times when something more than just friendly happens, but you still can’t tell what she’s thinking. 

you wish it was just as easy as telling her how you feel, you wish it could just be that simple. but what if she doesn’t feel the same and it literally ruins everything. if you tell her, lexa will clam up and then run, because you know that’s how she handles hard feelings, she doesn’t like to confront them, she likes to pretend they don’t exist.

and god, you really don’t want her to run.

you groan into the pillow again for good measure, but then seconds later a bedroom door opens. shit you didn’t know she was home.

“clarke?”

“hi um, sorry i didn’t know you were here, i mean your keys weren’t on the hook so i just assumed,” you trail off weakly.

“were you just screaming into a pillow?” 

damn, of course she heard you. great. “um actually yes,” you say, and she raises one eyebrow, “I just, art gallery stuff, you know.”

she nods her head slowly, and you’re aware that what you just said was less than coherent, but she doesn’t say anything about it. “i was just reading in here but if you’re back for a while we could watch an episode of pose? i won’t have a lot of time tonight to watch so i figured we could watch it now instead.”

you nod your head and she disappears back into her room while shouting after you, “okay, just give me a second to change into some comfy clothes.”

you get up to go to your room to do the same, and when you get back to the living room, you halt. lexa is bundled in a blanket on one end of the couch wearing her grey sweatpants and fuzzy socks, but that’s not what got your attention. she’s wearing the hoodie you loaned her a while back. god, is this girl trying to kill you?

lexa sees you standing there, and it takes her a second to notice what you’re staring at. “oh, i’m sorry, i just, I hadn’t done my laundry yet, and this was the only clean one I could find in there, I can go change though if you’d like?”

you shake your head vigorously, and slowly make your way to the couch. “no um, it’s good, it looks good, you know, on you.”

“are you okay clarke?” she asks, looking up at you in concern. and you have to look away because the hoodie is blue, but somehow it makes her eyes look so much greener and if you don’t look away then you’re going to say or do something incredibly stupid.

“yeah, i just have a bit of a headache earlier,” she looks even more concerned when you say this, so you quickly add, “but it’s a little bit better now.”

you quickly sit down on the couch beside her, careful to keep your distance. the two of you watch the show together, with lexa making comments on the characters in the show, but you’re not really paying attention, because all you can think is one phrase over and over and over. 

‘i am so fucked’.


	29. "take my seat"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lexa has been working too much and clarke can't focus on her artwork. oh, and halloween is coming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well, life has just decided to be lovely lately. salmonella, and now a power outage in my building while i was in the middle of baking. it took forever to come back on and honestly, i'm just glad that the stuff i have in my fridge didn't go bad. but anyways, here's another chapter. oh, also, there are some chapters coming up that are a little on the longer side, and i thought about splitting the POV between the two of them. not to the point where like there's eight POV changes in a chapter, but just a couple. if anyone is violently opposed to that and thinks it won't come together well then please tell me, i do appreciate constructive criticism. but anyways enjoy!

_8) take my seat_

**Clarke POV**

the next day you’ve made a plan to not ignore your feelings. it’s decided. however, you’re not going to say anything to lexa. 

you marched over to octavia and raven’s the second that you decided on the plan, but octavia did not respond the way that you thought she would.

“oh my god,” she had said as she faceplanted, “you’re literally a disaster.”

you disagree. this is a good plan. because the part of the plan that you didn’t mention to octavia is that you’re also going to be watching lexa closely to see if there are any signs that maybe she might like you too. 

but thing is, that is turning out to be really hard because as fate would have it, lexa is about to have a really busy week school wise and internship wise. she basically told you that you shouldn’t be surprised if you didn’t see her at all for the next three days. this really complicates your plan.

but for now you try and focus on other things, like how Halloween is only two days away and you and the gang are planning on having your tradition of a horror movie night in your apartment. 

none of you really care that much about the holiday, well, except raven. she really cares and almost always comes to the movie night in some sort of costume. and then of course jasper and monty bring over their moonshine, and that always makes things interesting. on the downside she makes everyone watch horror movies, which you hate. but you hid all the movies this year so that’s not an issue.

but before you can really be excited for Halloween, you have an art project that you’re meant to turn in a draft for in three days. you’re trying really hard to stay focused and figure out what exactly it is that you’re going to put on the canvas, but right now all you can do is sit in the art studio and stare at the white space in front of you.

the assignment is to paint a person. any person. and it’s so ridiculously simple, but that’s what’s making it so hard. you’ve never really liked painting portraits. drawing them is another story, but painting them is more difficult to you. 

yeah, this isn’t going to work for now, you’re going to need to go procrastinate for an hour and then come back. and thankfully, you know the best place to go for a distraction.

//

“clarke?” lexa looks at you in confusion when you stroll through the doors of her internship with a bag in your hand.

“I bring lunch,” you announce, showing her the bag that contains food from her favourite food truck near campus.

“in the rain?” she asks, looking over your shoulder at the downpour that just started a few minutes ago.

“well, it wasn’t raining when I left, but, you know how florida is,” you chuckle, placing the food on the counter, “and anyways, anya told me that you had been holed up here all day, and hadn’t eaten, and neither had I, so, here I am”

lexa smiles at you happily, and comes around the counter to take your rain jacket from you. she stores it behind the desk and comes back to you, “let’s go eat this somewhere that isn’t the lobby, i’ve got a break now anyway”

you let her take you by the arm, and something warm flutters in your stomach at her touch. she leads you out of the lobby and up the elevator to a dimly lit floor, and you’re not really sure where the hell you’re going. “uh, is this the part where you axe murder me or?”

she snorts, “yes clarke, this is totally the part where i axe murder you.”

“damn, should have worn a better outfit. paint covered clothing is not the outfit i want to be wearing when they discover my body.”

she laughs, and the noise echoes in the hallway. she finally comes to a stop in front of glass doors that lead outside to a small porch area, and you turn to look at her in confusion.

“um, lex, did you totally miss the part where it’s pouring out there? you ask.

lexa rolls her eyes, and points up at something, you follow the path of her finger up to see that oh, yep, the porch is covered. there’s no screening around the edges, but the furniture out there still looks dry enough to sit on.

the two of you make your way outside and sit on the small couch that’s out there and unwrap your tacos. lexa leans back into the cushions and stares out at the rain that seems to be falling harder every second. 

her hair is pulled back from her face in a complicated series of braids while the rest of it lies loose and curly against her back. she’s wearing her glasses, which you know means she woke up really early and didn’t feel like fiddling with her contacts.

she looks stressed, her shoulders are hunched, even though she’s leaning back, and her leg is jumping, causing the taco wrapper resting there to crinkle as she moves.

“i love thunderstorms,” she mumbles around a mouthful of shrimp taco, and you wrinkle your nose because ew. seafood.

“i hate the rain,” you state, taking another bite of your plain chicken taco.

lexa chuckles, “yeah i’ve noticed. but if you hate it so much, then why make your way all the way here after it had started raining.”

you shrug, and toss your wrapper into the bag laying a couple of feet away. “I’m procrastinating,” you turn back to look at her, “i’ve got a big art project coming up in the next week, and i don’t know what to do with it, so, here i am.”

lexa nods, and throws her wrapper into the bag alongside yours. she pulls her legs up to her chest and holds them there, leaning her forehead on her knees and groans.

“well, thank you for lunch clarke, i’m sorry that i can’t visit with you longer but,” she waves her hand vaguely towards the direction that you think the lobby might be in.

you stand off of the sofa and grab her hand to pull her up with you. “yeah yeah, i know, work to do and stuff.”

she smiles and lets you haul her off the couch, “a lot of work to do and stuff.”

the two of you make your way back inside, and you link your arm back through lexa’s to let her guide you back out. the contact startles her, and she looks to you and then smiles a bit. 

“you’ll still make it to the halloween gathering right,” you ask, searching her face, “i only ask out of concern for your safety because i think raven may kill you if you’re a no show.”

lexa laughs again, and it’s the most she’s sounded like herself since you got here. you think maybe she’s been pushing herself a little too hard this week and it kinda concerns you. lexa does a really horrible job of taking care of herself when she has a lot going on, and judging by how fast she downed her tacos, you get the feeling that this may be the first time she’s actually had a meal in a day or so.

“well, i’ll be there but i don’t know if i’ll be on time,” she says, leading you into the elevator, “the reason i’ve been so busy is because this place is planning a fundraiser halloween night of all nights. so i may be a little late.”

“it’s your funeral,” you warn her, and she laughs again, and you turn to look at her because you wish that you could stay and hear that sound again.

but all too soon, you’re back downstairs where everyone seems to be so much busier than they were when you left, and lexa is handing you your jacket, whispering that she’s so sorry and thank you for lunch.

you squeeze her arm and tell her no worries, and with that you’re walking out the door, where thankfully the rain has slowed to a drizzle. damn florida.

//

you open your apartment door later that evening and hear the sounds of the tv playing in the background.

“lexa?” you call out, turning to walk into the living room.

“nope!” raven says, head popping up from the couch, “i’ve been waiting for you clarkey.”

“searched the apartment for the horror movies?” you ask, looking at her pointedly.

“yep!”

you roll your eyes and try not to smile and encourage her. you place your keys on the hook and kick off your wet shoes. “and how exactly did you get in here reyes?” you ask, tossing your jacket over the back of a barstool.

“emergency key,” raven says, looking at you like it should be obvious.

“and is this an emergency?” you ask, walking over to lean against the couch.

“i’m so glad you asked because it actually is,” she says, and you raise an eyebrow, “see, tonight a new episode of grey’s anatomy aired, and anya was studying so i couldn’t watch it there.”

“and what about your apartment?”

raven mumbles something under her breath that sounds a lot like “locked out” and you laugh while she glares at you and goes on and on about how easy keys are to lose when you have so many of them, and people really should find a way to keep them organized.

“it’s called a key ring ray, and they’ve been around since samuel harrison invented them in the nineteenth century” you retort.

raven turns to face you with a judgemental look on her face and you already know she’s going to mock you for that one. “okay what the fuck griff, how the actual hell do you know that?”

you shrug, “lexa watches a lot of documentaries, and i guess i remember more than i realized.”

“fucking nerds,” raven grumbles with a smile.

“hey watch it, this fucking nerd is allowing you to crash her apartment to watch tv,” you say, swatting at her playfully with a pillow.

“oh my god thank you oh high one for allowing me, a humble human being to watch your glorious tv,” raven says in a fake posh accent, and you just can’t resist the urge to swat at her three more times with the pillow, “but for real clarke thanks. octavia said she’s going to be back in an hour, so i’ll be out of your hair then.”

you laugh and stand up from the couch. “you know you’re never a bother to me raven, we shared a room for the better part of three years, you think i’m not used to your total lack of boundaries?”

“touché” raven says.

you make your way to the bathroom to get something to leave out for lexa. earlier when you saw how stressed she was, you knew that you wanted to give her something that would help a little, and on the way home you realized what you were going to leave out for her.

you squat down by the cabinets under the sink and start pulling things out. you accidentally drop a couple of things in the process, which lead to raven shouting at you to stop interrupting her tv show. but finally, at the very back of the cabinet, you find what you’re looking for and bring it out into the kitchen to leave on the counter. 

“what exactly were you doing in there griffin?” raven asks, turning around on the couch, “remodeling your bathroom?”

“no, I was looking for something,” you say, searching through the drawer for a plastic bag, “lexa has been extra stressed lately and i wanted to do something for her that would help her relax.”

raven says nothing, so you look up to see her raising her eyebrows and smirking. “raven, don’t even say anything, I”

but it’s way too late. 

“ohhh my god, you want to do her.”

“raven”

“you’re gonna bone her because she’s stressed!”

“that is not-”

“getting it on with the hot roommate.”

“would you cut it out.”

“horizontal tango time”

“are you quite finished?”

“not yet, one more in my system,” she takes a deep breath in and rises to her knees on the couch, “boinking.”

“seriously. boinking?” you ask, and she just shrugs in response, “okay no, to all of that. i’m leaving her bath salts.”

“that’s so boring!” raven groans, throwing her head back to the ceiling, “you guys are so gay. can’t you just do it already before i lose the stupid bet.”

that gets your attention. “bet?” you ask, but raven is already slinking back down into the cushions, “raven what bet?”

she slides down and lays flat on the couch and when you walk around to the other side of the couch, she’s holding a cushion over her head. you rip it off and glare at her.

“raven. what bet?” you demand.

“nothing, no bet, can’t we just pretend that i said nothing. i mean i don’t even know what bets are clarke,” she looks at you innocently. 

you swat her with the pillow. “raven if you don’t start talking i will sit on you like i did the time you told mom that it was me who blew up that toad in the microwave”.

she jumps up from the couch and holds her hands out in front of her, “clarke no, I,” her phone goes off in her hand, and she glances down at it and then smiles up at you, “oops that’s octavia, back early, gotta go.”

you reach out to grab her hand so she can’t leave, but she’s always been faster than you, and is out the door calling after you, “love you clarkey.”

you stare after her because what the fuck. who exactly did she make a bet with, and why are people betting on when you and lexa will do it. that’s just all different kinds of messed up, even for your friends. 

you decide that you’ll interrogate them each individually at the halloween party, but for tonight, lexa will be home soon, and you’ve got to get to bed. you carefully pour some of the bath salts into a baggie, and place them onto the counter with a note. 

you hope that she actually uses them, but you know that she may just want to go to sleep when she gets back. you sigh and head to your room to plan who you’re going to talk to first tomorrow.

//

bellamy was a dead end. clearly he had not been involved in the bet making whatsoever. this didn’t surprise you, bellamy doesn’t believe in bets. or nonsense at all really. 

lincoln also had no idea what you were talking about, but suggested that maybe it was jasper and monty who made the bet, because he heard them talking about something the other day. 

turns out they made a bet on how many cups of moonshine raven would need before she started singing the monster mash. you ended up putting ten dollars down for her to start singing it after two cups. you know your sister, and honestly, it really doesn’t take that long if someone drops a few hints here and there. she does it every year.

so then you go to anya, who just laughs and walks away. which is, well weird but so is anya. which leaves you with octavia. raven’s partner in crime. you know that the bet totally originated with the two of them, but you needed to check everything off before going to the source. 

octavia opens the door, but the second she does, raven jumps off the couch in the background and slams it quickly. 

“raven i totally saw you,” you yell to the door.

“you totally didn’t!” she yells back.

you can hear them whispering inside, but you can’t make out what they’re talking about, so you press your ear to the door. “you two realize that even if you don’t talk to me now, i’m going to see you tomorrow night for halloween anyways” you say pointedly.

“well then halloween is canceled,” octavia retorts, and you hear a smacking noise, and then her saying ow.

“you cannot just cancel halloween octavia,” raven threatens, “anyway clarke go away we’re not home.”

you roll your eyes, “raven, open the door and i’ll tell you where i hid the horror movies last week.”

in less than two seconds the door swings open and raven looks at you expectantly. you roll your eyes again. “my apartment, taped to the underside of the left bathroom sink drawer.”

raven takes off out of the apartment and you catch her by the arm. “wait for me raven, this will only take a moment”

but she wiggles free and starts down the steps with a skip, “no need,” she hollers with a smile, “emergency key!”

you never should have given her that key. you knew she would abuse it.

octavia sighs and drops her arm to let you into the apartment. “it’s just a bet clarke. me, anya, and raven all have money on when we think the two of you will get together,” she says.

“no, raven mentioned boning,” you say, looking at her expectantly, “what part of the bet said something about that.”

“clarke, that’s just raven being raven, you know how she is, boning is her second favourite word and she’ll use it every chance she can in a sentence. at this point she isn’t even using it the right way. the other day she told me that her coffee was so good, and if it wasn’t coffee she would bone it.”

you nod your head slowly, this much is true about raven. “okay well, just, stop it with the bets. I don’t even know if i’m going to tell lexa anytime soon so, there’s no need for bets.”

octavia smirks at you, but rolls her eyes and agrees. you give her a tight hug and are out the door quickly. you need to get to your apartment before raven damages something trying to get to those damn movies.

//

halloween night comes quickly, and the party was about as lively as you imagined it would be. meaning raven is the only one who is overly excited for the night. for the others it was just another hangout. but raven has always had a thing for this holiday

you ended up winning the moonshine bet, but jasper accuses you of cheating due to your not so subtle hint dropping. to be fair nobody would have picked up on it had you not tried to use ‘transylvania twist’ in a sentence. that one was on you. 

most of the excitement had died down, and everyone was settled into the extra chairs that they brought. octavia was sitting with lincoln in the oversized bean bag that he brought, bellamy was sitting in a camping chair, anya was sprawled out in the middle of the floor on a pad of blankets, jasper and monty each brough bean bag chairs of their own, and raven is sitting up with you on the couch.

raven has put on one of the creepiest horror movies, and you’re almost too scared to notice the door open and lexa come in. you turn around to smile at her in greeting but freeze. she’s in a three piece and it shocks you because you’ve never seen her in something so formal. 

she’s got on a white oxford shirt that’s unbuttoned just enough for you to see her collarbones, and a light grey vest that matches her tight slacks perfectly. her hair is up in a complicated twist, and you know that with hair as long as hers, it must have taken a lot of bobby pins to get that to stay up.

she catches your eye and gives you a small smile before coming over to you. “sorry i’m so late,” she whispers, and raven shoots her a glare from beside you, “i’m going to get changed and i’ll be back.”

you nod mutely, and stare after her as she leaves. lexa should not be able to make a suit look that good. raven elbows you in the ribs and laughs at you. “you’re so gay,” she laughs, and you think that maybe someone should have cut her off from the moonshine earlier tonight because you have no idea how many cups she’s had, but you’re pretty sure she’s going to be feeling it in the morning.

lexa comes out a few moments later, and she’s dressed in a ratty grey shirt and navy blue sweatpants. her hair is still up, but she’s washed the tiny bit of makeup she had on from her face. now that the week is done for her, you can see how exhausted she truly is. 

she looks around the room for a place to sit, and without a single thought, you motion to her. “come take my seat lex, i’ll move to the floor.”

she waves you off to tell you that she’s fine, and walks into the kitchen to grab a water. raven shifts beside you, “I gotchu clarke.” 

she slides rather ungracefully to the floor, and throws you a very clumsy wink. you whip around to look into the kitchen, and thankfully lexa is too occupied with trying to find a bottle of water in all the mix of drinks to notice. you turn back around to see octavia smirking at you knowingly, and you subtly flip her off as lexa comes back into the room.

she looks from raven, to you, to the couch, and you shake your head telling her not to ask. she settles beside you, and shifts a little bit on the couch with one leg sitting under her and the other up by her chest. 

you stare at her for a few seconds before grabbing her arm and lightly tugging on her until she gets what you’re saying and moves to lay down with her head in your lap. she sighs when you run your fingers gently over her hair. 

the movie goes on in the background, but you hate horror anyway, so you occupy yourself with slowly untangling all the pins from lexa’s complicated updo. there’s a lot more of them than you thought, and so it takes you a bit longer to get them all out. 

she turns to smile gratefully up at you. “thank you clarke,” she whispers, “and thank you for the bath salts, i haven’t gotten the chance to use them yet, but i will soon now that everything is over.”

you tell her that she’s welcome, and resume running your fingers through her silky hair. the movie keeps playing, but now you’re too busy studying lexa’s profile to care about all the gore and grossness happening on the screen. 

about a half hour after laying down, lexa’s eyes flutter close. you continue to gently play with her hair. this is what you’re afraid to mess up. moments like these. you want more yes. but if trying to get to more means potentially losing moments like this, you just don’t think you can do it.

you’re on the brink of falling asleep when you come to a realization, you know what you’re going to paint for your project. but planning for that is going to have to wait, it’s been a long few days, and you’re comfortable with lexa here on the couch. so for now you just sleep.


	30. "one more chapter"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lexa ignores those around her when they tell her to go to the doctor and ends up worse for wear. clarke is there to help her along the way

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oof. it has been a while. long story short life got really messy and really complicated really quickly. and then finally when it calmed down i had no motivation to do things outside of school work that i had to do. it's getting a little better but. things are still crazy. but this project has in no way shape or form been abandoned. i have the next seven chapters sketched out to help me when it is time to write them, i just can no longer promise that updates are going to be regular until life chills out a little more. also, the chapters are getting longer and staying longer. and yes there are now POV switches in many of the upcoming chapters so, bear with me on this because i have never done them in a story so i hope it makes sense. they are clearly marked and everything, it just sometimes throws me off and causes me to not stay true to the style that i meant to write a particular character in so. that being said, if you see something inconsistent like, sometimes i have the hardest time remembering what details i mentioned before in the story and then i write them out and they're completely different so if you see something like that just let me know please. corrections and critiques are appreciated, and i say this honestly! but here is a chapter and hopefully sometime in the next few days i will finish up another one!

_30) one more chapter_

**Lexa**

“you’re sick,” anya states bluntly, pushing past you into the apartment.

you scoff and close the door behind you. “yes, come on in anya, so glad to have your company today.”

she rolls her eyes and tosses her backpack onto the couch. “you look like shit,” she says, and you glare at her until she cracks a smile, “but seriously lexa, are you feeling okay, because you kinda look like you’re about to hurl or something.”

this is the reason that you’ve been avoiding anya for the past day and a half. ever since the preparations for the fundraiser started last week, you’d been feeling a little light headed and stuffy. you thought that maybe after everything died down you would feel a little better, you have a tendency to get sick after not sleeping well for a while, so you assumed that was the case.

but now the fundraiser is over, and you slept in super late yesterday and even today, and yet, things keep getting worse rather than better. you’re pretty sure you’re running a fever, you’ve got a really sore throat, and to top it off, you’ve got a pretty nasty cough, but you’ll be damned if you let anya hear it while she’s here.

“i just haven’t caught up on sleep yet anya,” you say, trying to hide the fact that you’re leaning against the counter because you feel dizzy.

anya hums disbelievingly, and turns to her backpack. “well i brought you some soup, because clarke seems to think that you’re coming down with something, and she’s been in the studio non stop lately so she asked me to come here and bring you soup.”

you sit on the stool and take the soup from anya’s hand. “clarke asked you to do this?” you ask, and anya nods while zipping up her bag. you try to hide your smile, but anya sees it.

“so, you ever going to tell me what’s going on with you and blondie?” she asks, tossing her bag over her shoulder.

“it’s clarke, and i’ll tell you when you tell me what’s been going on with you and raven,” you smirk. anya glowers at you, but you know that she isn’t going to push the conversation any further.

“whatever dork, i have class,” she walks to the door and opens it, then turns back to you, “call me if you need something lexa, you really don’t look well.”

and then she’s gone. you smile after her. you and anya may not be the most emotionally available siblings, but you know that she would do anything for you if you asked her to. of course she’d probably complain about it the whole time but, that’s anya.

with her gone you don’t have to plaster a fake smile on your face and pretend that you feel okay. your whole body aches from the stress of last week, and from whatever sickness this is that you’re getting. logically you know that you should go to the doctor, but you’re not really the biggest fan of hospitals or doctor’s offices, so you think you’d rather not go.

instead you grab the can of soup and heat it up. you probably should eat before you have class. you groan at the thought of sitting through an hour and a half of lecture feeling like this. but, it’s not like you can afford to not go. so you dose yourself up with over the counter medication and prepare to suck it up.

//

two days later and sucking it up is not really going so well for you. coughing now burns, and you spend the days alternating between feeling burning hot and freezing cold. you feel so weak, even climbing up the stairs to the apartment sends your heart rate racing, and results in a coughing attack.

clarke spends every free moment she has with you telling you to go to the doctor. you do your best to ignore the concern in her voice, and assure her that you get these kind of things from time to time so she really shouldn’t worry. 

finally, you’re sitting on the couch together one night when you cough up blood along with the usual mucous. that’s when clarke has enough of your protesting and drags you to the closest emergency room. 

which is how you found yourself in your current location. clarke is sitting in a chair on the other side of you, filling out your forms because your head hurts so bad that you can’t even see straight. your leg is bouncing nervously when the nurse comes out to take you back, and clarke tells you that she’ll call anya and stay behind to finish the forms.

you don’t really want to be alone in this place, but you also don’t want clarke to see you in a hospital gown either, so you say nothing and let the nurse lead you to a room.

a half hour later and you’ve had scans of your chest done and are forced to wear an oxygen cannula. the iv in your hand is making your whole arm feel cold as it pumps a saline solution into you, because apparently the headache was from severe dehydration.

you barely remember everything that just happened. you’re pretty sure you should be a little concerned based on how fast the doctors are getting your tests done. they’re all moving so quickly and you struggled to keep up with what tests they were even running.

you asked the tech in the x-ray suite what was happening, but he clearly understood that question as you not understanding how the machines worked, and he took a significant amount of time to mansplain to you what it did. even as shitty as you felt, you still had the energy to roll your eyes at him.

right now, you’re curled in a fetal position in the bed and you’re not even sure how long you’ve been here when you hear the door slide open. you slowly lift your head and see clarke stepping toward you. you can see the worry written all over her face. and you try and focus on the words she’s saying but you’re just too tired. 

you try and keep your eyes open, but you can’t fight it any more. the last thing you hear is clarke yelling for a nurse.

//

**Clarke**

you’re growing more and more anxious the longer you wait. you think she should have woken up by now, no you know she should have woken up by now. and yet her eyes are still closed, and you’re still sitting here by her bedside counting the minutes. 

you should have noticed she was getting sicker by the day. you should have made her go into the doctor sooner. you’re going to school to be a doctor for god’s sake, this is the kind of thing you should have seen coming. this is the kind of thing you would have seen coming, but you’ve been working non stop trying to get your art ready for class. guilt settles deep inside of you, and you wish so hard that you could go back and make her be seen sooner. 

you haven’t really looked anywhere other than her face this whole time you’ve been sitting here. you cant bring yourself to look at the wires, and the tubing, and the spot where the drain had been placed just under an hour ago. looking at her face is hard enough. there are dark circles under her swollen eyes, her skin is so unnaturally pale, and has a slight sheen from how she has been sweating over the past five hours, and then there is the oxygen cannula stretching over her thin face, you’re pretty sure that just in the past few days she’s lost a considerable amount of weight. 

you’ve been trying to take your mind off of things by sketching in your sketchbook. but lexa is all you can think about, so multiple little doodles of her eyes, her hands, her face, her hair, fill your page, and you slam your pencil down in frustration. you should have known better.

you’re still in the middle of kicking yourself when anya walks into the room and looks at lexa in the bed, and then at you, and finally to the pad in your lap that you’re too slow to hide. a tiny smile tugs at her lips, and you know damn well she’s seen it so you’re blushing because you know there’s no sense lying your way out of whatever she’s about to ask you.

“so, i see drawing my sister has become a hobby for you then?”

you look at her in surprise because while you were expecting something along the lines of you drawing her, you are still not sure what to make of that statement. there’s just no way that anya knows about all of the other times that lexa has taken up your thoughts and come out on your page as a doodle: on class notes, in free draws, on sticky notes when you’re meant to be making to do lists. really you think it’s starting to become a problem. 

you open your mouth to protest, but anya is already cutting you off with a wave of her hand, “don’t even try and deny it blondie, don’t forget i came to see you in the studio when raven couldn’t bring you her spare book.”

you immediately close your mouth and blush. you could have sworn that you had turned the canvas around before she came in the room. you didn’t want anyone to see what you were drawing but it seems that the one person you really didn’t want knowing before you were ready has already found out. anya is nice and everything, but she’s a lot like raven, she’s sarcastic and blunt, and doesn’t beat around the bush, so you knew that she would have things to say when she saw it.

“it’s for a project,” you try for a half truth, “we’re meant to be drawing someone that we just recently reconnected with and grew close to in life”

anya looks at you for a moment, and then bursts out laughing. you glare at her, not quite sure what this outburst means, but you’re sure it’s nothing good. “i am serious anya, i’ve been working on it for the past week, it's due very soon!”

but this only seems to egg her on further. you slam your sketchpad closed and lean back in the chair, waiting for her to finish her clearly overexaggerated laughter. but it seems like she is just simply not finished.

“you know, maybe if i wasn’t me that would be a good lie griffin, i mean wow, that, that might just work on someone who doesn’t know any better,” she wipes very fake tears away from her eyes, and you continue to glare at her, “okay come on, jokes aside just be real with me, why are you really painting her for your project, we both know that isn’t what the point of this piece is.”

you seriously wish that anya would just drop off the face of the earth right now. it’s no wonder that her and raven get along so well, speaking of which, you know that there is something going on between them, and you’re bound and determined to get raven to crack sometime or another. 

you look at her for a bit. you’re not sure how much you should tell her, she is lexa’s sister after all and you have to think about the very real possibility that whatever you tell her, truth or denial could go back to lexa. if you tell her the truth, and she tells lexa, lexa may not feel the same way which is what you’ve been worried about this whole time. but then on the other hand, if you deny it, and then she tells her, lexa may have feelings for you and then be discouraged by this knowledge. 

you think maybe anya can tell that you’re having a thought crisis in your head because she sighs and comes and sits over in a chair by you. you look at her suspiciously, because she has a rather serious look on her face, and anya is rarely ever not sarcastic. 

“okay griffin, let me preface this with saying that this conversation is only going to stay between the two of us. i’m going to be real with you because i like you, i always have. we’re total opposites from each other but i genuinely enjoy being around you and all the other delinquents even if i don’t show it at times. and it’s because i am around you all so much that i see things, so let me just tell you what i see. i see that you care for my sister. in a way that is beyond a friendship way. in a way that i have found myself caring for your sister, raven.”

your eyes shoot off the ground in front of you upon hearing that. 

anya rolls her eyes, “yes, yes, raven wanted to try and not tell people in case there was some bizarre bet being held like the one for you and lexa. she figured most of you would have bet on us getting together sooner rather than later so she decided to withhold information.”

you scoff, “well then someone had better tell her that there was never any bet because it was obvious what was going on from the start.”

anya raises an eyebrow and smirks, “one could say the same about you and lexa.”

you blush and shake your head slightly, “it’s not like that.”

“then what is it like?”

you sigh, because you’re not even sure yourself how to explain this. but you give it your best try, “lexa brings out the best in me, even when i’m being totally bitchy.”

anya laughs at this and startles you from your speech. “i’m sorry i just, I was expecting something a little more romantic, not just, ‘she makes me be nice when i’m being a bitch’”

you roll your eyes, “okay well, first of all, i wasn’t finished, and second of all, it’s not going to be totally romantic because i don’t even know if it’s romantic.”

“bullshit”

“oh my god stop it with the comments, honestly you’re worse than raven and octavia combined!”

“while I actually am flattered by that statement rather than insulted, i will stay quiet from here on out.”

her smirk makes you think that maybe that is not going to be easy for her. but you try again. “lexa is,” you pause, not really sure how to describe her, “she’s guarded, and closed off, and hard to reach, and cautious when she could be carefree, she’s anxious half the time, and when she’s not anxious it’s because she’s entirely too busy to be doing anything else. she’s, well she’s not someone that is easy to get to know, or easy to come to care for. but for some reason, i know all of these things and i just don’t care. i want to know her, i want her to let me in, i want to be able to show her that it is okay to put your responsibility aside for a bit and just have a little bit of fun.”

you stop, not sure if you’ve said too much, but anya is looking at you with a tiny smile on her lips. it’s not sarcastic, it’s not mocking, it almost looks, well genuine but this is anya so maybe it isn’t. “what?” you ask.

anya shakes her head at you, “you’re describing her the same way i think about raven. someone who is also closed off, hard to reach, all of those things you mentioned. the difference is that raven tries to compensate for her negative feelings by being too extravagant, too over the top, too…”

“extreme,” you supply, and anya nods.

“she’s always been like that,” you comment softly, “her life hasn’t been an easy one, and she struggles to let people in because of that.”

anya nods again, “see, then perhaps you aren’t as far off from understanding lexa as you think you are.”

you pause at that. you’d never thought about it like that. both lexa and raven had both had troubling childhoods, and while you don’t know the extent of lexa’s trauma, you do know that it led both girls to being very closed off from others and generally untrusting. 

“i don’t know if my feelings for lexa are feelings of romance, or feelings of just wanting to get to know her,” you admit, “i’m not sure which it is, i’ve never really had a lot of people in my life that I didn’t know everything about, but even still, I think I do have feelings for her along with the curiosity.”

anya exhales deeply, and reaches over to put a hand on your leg that you didn’t realize was bouncing, “you don’t have to have all the answers now clarke, but just make sure you don’t wait until it’s too late okay? did raven tell you that she started talking to another girl because i was too afraid to ask her out?”

you shake your head vehemently, raven had said nothing about this.

“well, I think we both knew that we had feelings for each other, but, I haven’t had a girlfriend. ever. lexa has, of sorts, but I just, after watching her go through everything, I didn’t want the same to happen, and then in school I was far too busy and there was no one I liked in that way. I think maybe even back in high school I liked raven, but convinced myself it wasn’t the case. and so now, I nearly let my fears hold me back, and raven started talking to a girl in one of her science classes. it was, awful seeing the possibility of her being with someone else because I was too afraid to own up to my feelings and do something daring that would make me happy if it worked out. I focused too much on the if. if it would work out, if she liked me back, if she would be interested in actually dating and not just other things. but I forced myself to see past that, and now we’ve been dating for nearly a month.”

“a month!” you exclaim, quickly muttering an apology for interrupting.

“a month,” she nods, “and it was the best thing that I ever did clarke. it was scary, terrifying even being so vulnerable, and if you tell anyone I said that I’ll kill you, but I want you to know that good can come from being vulnerable like that.”

you nod your head slowly, still not sure if you have it in you to be that vulnerable. anya seems to sense that you have some thinking to do, so she stands up and squeezes your shoulder. “this is between us okay?” she asks heading to the door, to which you quickly nod, “good, call me when she wakes up griffin.”

and then she’s gone. leaving you with way too many thoughts. you think you’re going to tell her. you know you’re going to tell her. but maybe you need to get past her being in the hospital, and then past your artshow. but you’re going to tell her soon, before Christmas soon. you’ve made up your mind that you’re going to make sure you want this regardless of the consequences, and try and see if lexa might feel the same in the meantime. 

but for now, for now you open your sketchpad back up, and wait for the brunette in the bed to open her eyes.

//

**Lexa**

when you open your eyes next, you’re not in the same room anymore. and for a second, your heart hammers in your chest as you look around and try to find something familiar. you feel a weight on your left leg and look down a little to see a mop of blonde hair splayed out across your thigh and onto the bed. clarke.

you look around the room and try and figure out what is going on. there’s a monitor beeping next to you, and the oxygen cannula and iv are still in. but you’re definitely not in the emergency room. your whole body aches, and there’s a sharp pain in your left side that you feel every time you breath in.

you move slowly, your body is so sore, and try to push yourself up a little without waking her. but it’s no use. the second she feels you shift, clarke’s head is off the bed and her blue eyes are looking straight into yours. 

she gives you a small smile, and wipes the sleep from her eyes. “you gave everyone a bit of a scare last night,” she murmurs, and you can tell she’s trying to make a joke, but you can see how worried she is. you feel guilty for being the reason that she looks that way. 

“last night,” you ask in confusion. your voice is hoarse, and even that little bit of talking sends you into a coughing fit. clarke moves up to stand beside you, and looks at you uncertainly while you cough.

your lungs burn, and you want to stop coughing so badly, but it’s like your body just won’t let you. angry tears gather in your eyes, and you turn your head so clarke won’t see them. seconds later you jump when you feel something cool touch your back. you whip around to see that clarke has her hand there, and is rubbing in small circles to calm you down.

when you’re finished, you lay back flat on the bed, and close your eyes in exhaustion. 

“it’s been about twelve hours since the emergency room,” clarke finally speaks, but you don’t open your eyes to look at her, “we’re in the hospital now because you passed out. you have pneumonia, and it got really bad and led to a pleural effusion.”

you open your eyes at that, and look at clarke because you have no idea what that is. she sees your look and continues. “right, it’s basically where fluid gathers between the lining of your lungs. it’s the reason that you coughed up blood, and also probably why you passed out” she says, and then she leans over you and reaches for something, “the doctors fixed it last night, they put in a chest tube to drain it.”

clarke grabs a binder on the other side of you and leafs through it. she starts rattling off all of the things that happened while you were out, presumably reading off of something in the binder, but you’re still stuck on what she said about the chest tube.

you lift your arm on the sore side of your body, and peek through the arm hole of your gown. there’s a patch over the lower part of your ribs, and a few speckles of blood have risen through. you look over at clarke, “it’s not there anymore?” you rasp, and clarke smiles at you.

“no,” she murmurs, placing the chart at the end of your feet, “it only took about twenty minutes to drain. but there’s a bandage there because they had to stitch it.”

you nod and close your eyes again. your head hurts so badly right now. this is a lot of information to take in all at once, and you just wish that you could go back to sleep. 

clarke seems to sense this, because a few moments later the lights flick off in the room, and when you open your eyes again she’s settling into her chair with a sketchpad propped against her knees. 

“when you wake up next there are some people who would like to come see you” she whispers, and your eyes flutter a little as you nod, “but for now just get some rest, i’ll still be here when you wake up.”

and that must have been all you needed. because you don’t remember anything after that.

//

a day later and you’re finally discharged with strict instruction to take your medication and stay on bedrest for at least three days before going back to class. you already know that’s going to be torture.

clarke didn’t leave the hospital except to go home and get clothes for you and herself, and to get some more of her books to study. you told her over and over that she should go back home instead of staying with you in the hospital, but she wasn’t having any of that. 

you feel really bad. you know that she has an exhibit coming up that she’s worked her ass off on, and staying here with you means that she’s getting behind in not only that, but in school work too. you know that this happened over the weekend, so it’s not like she was missing classes, but still, you feel so bad.

the first day in the hospital, the whole gang came to see you minus bellamy who had a meeting that he couldn’t reschedule. having that many people in your hospital room was a little overwhelming, but you were touched that they all took time out of your day to come and see you.

you begged clarke to bring you a pair of comfy clothing so that you didn’t have to let people see you in your hospital gown. and after you got over the initial embarrassment, you actually enjoyed having them all there.

anya was the first there, and she smirked at you and told you that she knew you were sick. you roll your eyes and brace yourself for the lecture that’s about to come on being more careful about your health, but thankfully that’s when everyone else arrived, and anya’s words were drowned out by all the sudden noise.

octavia demanded to see your scar and clarke slapped her upside the head. and then of course raven ate all of your cookies and asked if she faked a mysterious illness would they bring her cookies and snacks at her beckoning next. this earns her a pointed look from anya, but you laugh because you’re weirdly glad to have raven’s comic relief around.

and now finally it’s discharge day, and you’re pretty sure that the nurses are excited to see you go because you haven’t exactly been the best patient. 

turns out it’s protocol to wheel you out of the hospital, and you put up your best fight because you really didn’t want to be pushed out in a wheelchair, no matter what the policy there is. but then the mean nurse who claimed she accidentally stuck you three times last iv change stares you down, and you sit into the chair because you don’t want her coming back at you with another needle. 

clarke shushes you and thanks the nurses for you while you roll you eyes. and they gladly let clarke be the one to wheel you down to the lobby instead of them.

you know that you were only here for a short while, but you’re so happy to be going home, and you’re more than relieved that you managed to make it your whole time here without panicking about being in a hospital again.

clarke pulls the wheelchair to a halt in front of the doors. and you try to stand up from the chair, but the effort hurts your side where the drain was placed. clarke leans down and offers you her arm, and you stubbornly refuse to take it.

she laughs, “come on lexa, it’s for me, i need help going through the doors okay?”

you scoff and roll your eyes, but you take her arm all the same and she laughs again when you use your leg to aggressively shove the wheelchair away from you once you’re standing. 

anya is standing outside leaning against her car. and you shove her off of you when she comes to help you get into the backseat of the car. she mocks you, and lightly pokes you in your uninjured side. you jump and send her a death glare, but it doesn’t faze her.

clarke slides into the back seat with you, and anya looks at the two of you over her shoulder. “what am I, a chauffeur?”

you flip her off and she’s laughing again. and this time you join in because it still just feels so good to be going home.

//

it doesn’t take long for you to get bored. bed rest is no fun. you’ve adapted the term bed rest into apartment rest and clarke scolds you for pushing yourself too fast when you have to lean against a wall or counter every few minutes. 

the lack of fluid between your lung lining makes a bit of a difference in how you feel, but you still feel like shit most of the time. and after the first few hours home, the painkillers you were given at the hospital wear off, and you start to feel how you did before. 

you can’t make it but three minutes without coughing, and some of the coughing leads to straight up fits that last about 30 seconds or longer and leave you feeling like your chest is on fire. 

clarke is always there by your side when it starts up, and since the hospital she has gotten into the habit of rubbing her hand over your back whenever the bad rounds start up again. you can’t say you mind it.

but it’s nighttime now, and even though you’ve been dosed with all different kinds of medications, you still feel so miserable and uncomfortable that you can’t sleep. you worry that you’re not going to get better and are going to have to go back to the hospital, and thinking of that leads to a coughing spasm that lasts longer than normal. 

when you think you’ve finished, there’s a tentative knock at your door, and before you can even say anything clarke is pushing your door open. another burst hits you, and you wave at her to come in as you struggle to breathe between the coughs. 

you turn your head away as tears build up in your eyes again. frustration wells up inside of you because you just want to feel better already. your whole body aches, and every cough sends a wave of pain to the healing wound on your left side.

you’re mad because you know that you’re not going to be able to go back to classes tomorrow and you’re going to be behind when you return, even if the professors are sending you your work to do at home. 

you’re even more upset at the fact that you can’t even sleep in your own bed the way you want to. you have to sleep propped up against the pillows to the point that your body is nearly at a ninety degree angle. you’re a side sleeper so this just really isn’t fair.

you know that even when you recover from the cold, your side is going to still be healing from where the doctors had to cut into your skin to get a needle all the way to your lungs to remove fluid. you’re so mad at yourself now for not going to the doctor earlier, and you wish you could go back and do it differently but you can’t.

you feel clarke sit down on the edge of the bed next to you, and seconds later, her hand is on your back, and you try, you really really try to resist caving against her touch. but the pain and anger are too much, so you sink against her hand and try to take deep breaths without starting the coughing up again.

clarke gently nudges you until you’re laying back against the propped pillows, and when you’re finally all the way back, you avert your eyes, because you really hate that she is seeing you like this. 

“lexa?” clarke murmurs, and you’re not sure what she’s asking, but you can hear the hesitation in her voice so you nod anyways.

she scoots closer on the bed and then lays back so she’s right next to you. she tugs on your arm, and you turn your head to see that her face is right next to yours, looking at you in the dark. she tugs you once more so you’re tucked up against her, and your heart is beating so fast that you think you’re going to have another coughing fit.

you’ve never laid like this together. the closest the two of you have been has either been hugging for a few moments, or laying on the other’s thigh on the couch. this is something entirely different. and you are surprised to realize that you don’t mind it.

clarke is warm, and soft, and laying this close to her you think you can hear her heartbeat. at least, you think it’s hers, it may be yours because it’s going awfully fast. 

your head is resting on her shoulder, and if you move your head up a little then the tip of your nose will be touching the column of her neck. you don’t know what to do with your arms and they’re trapped awkwardly between you and clarke. 

she chuckles under her breath when she feels you shifting them, and reaches over to grab your arm and pull it across her. “have you never cuddled before lexa?” she asks, laughter tinging her voice. 

you haven’t not really. who would you cuddle with? anya? yeah there’s a better chance of there being a blizzard in hell than anya voluntarily cuddling with you. you shake your head against clarke as best as you can, and you can hear the laughter die in her throat.

“really?” she asks, and you shyly nod in response. clarke wraps her arm even tighter around you, careful not to touch where your wound lies. “in high school raven and octavia and i used to have these sleepovers and all pile down on the floor. in the morning we’d wake up all on top of each other.”

you smile at that, and you want to say something to her, but you’re afraid that if you talk it’ll bring on more coughing, and right now you’re very comfortable, so you’d rather not provoke your lungs. 

clarke cards her fingers through your hair, and she’s humming a soft tune under her breath, but with your head on her chest you can almost here it echoing. you can hear her breathing, and you’re jealous of how clear it sounds. a week ago you never really thought you’d be jealous of the way someone breathes. 

out of nowhere, another coughing spasm starts, and you immediately sit up from clarke’s hold. you’re struggling to breathe in between coughs. it lasts longer than normal, and even with clarke gently rubbing your back, two tears of frustration escape you as you gasp for air when you’re finished. 

you quickly rub them away before clarke can see, and then she’s pulling you backwards and into the position you were in before the rebellion in your lungs. the way she’s holding you is tight, but gentle. and you’re so tired and your chest burns, and you just can’t help it when a few more tears leak out of your eyes.

you hope and pray that clarke won’t notice them, but it’s a little too late for that. “oh lexa,” she murmurs, holding you to her with her hand over the back of your neck, “it’s okay to not be okay lex. you’re really sick and you’ve been through so much the past couple of days.”

you sit there, and try and hold back the tears and let her hold you. she resumes her humming and softly whispers that she’ll stay until you fall asleep if you want. 

you shake your head, and clarke stiffens a little under you, and you realize, so you quickly place your hand firm on her stomach and try to tilt your head up to look at her. “stay,” you rasp out.

clarke relaxes under your hand, and you feel more than see the smile that spreads across her face. “okay,” she whispers in agreement. and just a few minutes later you’ve fallen asleep to the sound of her humming.

//

**Clarke**

you wake up tangled in light green sheets and with the feeling of something tucked up against your chest. you blink your eyes while still closed, and your body’s position slowly comes back to you. you’re on your side and your left arm is most definitely asleep. 

with a groan you try and stretch and open your eyes, and that’s when you suddenly see the reason that your arm is asleep. you’re cuddling lexa, again. this is really becoming a thing isn’t it. first the night in the living room and now this. you make a note to not say anything to raven and octavia this time, there is no need to go through everything that happened last time. 

you remember pulling her to you last night, and holding her close while humming until she fell back asleep. however, you also remember lightly rolling her away onto her own pillow before going to sleep yourself, facing away from her. so how you got here is a mystery to you yet again. this time it is worse than last.

there is no getting out of this without waking lexa. her head is planted right on your left bicep, which is definitely the reason that you have zero sensation in the fingers of that arm. your legs are once again tangled in hers, and your arm has found it’s way around her body in sleep for the second time now. not to mention the biggest difference. lexa is facing you.

but this time, you’re not really worried. lexa could have pulled away from you last night when you tugged her back into your arms and yet she didn’t. she seemed shy about it, but she didn’t resist you holding her until she went to sleep. 

so you don’t really try and move. you don’t want to anyway. she finally looks rested. after the main incident last night she made it through the rest of the night without anymore outbursts, and while you think this may have had to do with the humidifier that you angled right at her before you went to bed, you’re thankful nonetheless.

her hair is sprawled across the pillow behind her, but some of it is bunched under her face, and tiny little tendrils curl around her forehead and the ear that is visible to you. you resist the urge to reach out with your freehand and twirl one around your finger. 

she has more freckles than you thought. this is something that occurs to you as you’re looking at her. maybe it is just the dim lighting in the room that is making them appear more clear against her skin, but you truly didn’t realize that she actually has quite a lot of freckles. there’s even one obscured on the very top of her upper lip that you hadn’t noticed before. 

you think she’s beautiful. and you wish that you had the nerves to tell her this. you don’t think that a lot of people in her life have told her that she is beautiful, and so you’d like to. because she is. she’s not artificial, or fake, she rarely wears makeup, and never seems to care about the unruly state of her curls, she’s just lexa. and you really wish you had the balls to tell her what you think about her.

but right now, your arms is actually starting to hurt you, and lexa really shouldn’t be laying on her side with her lungs as crappy as they are right now, so you have to shake her shoulder lightly to wake her from her sleep.

this turns out to be a hard thing to do, probably because of all the medications she took before bed, so you end up having to physically push her off of you in order to properly shake her awake. 

soon her eyes are opening slowly, and yeah, you forget her eyes when you were thinking about all the beautiful things about her. you really can’t believe you forgot about her eyes. they’re so very dark when she first wakes up, and you’d never really seen them like this. 

she looks at you in confusion before recognition of last night must come upon her and she gives a tiny frown. “clarke,” she rasps, “i didn’t mean for you to have to sleep in here last night, my chest hurt so bad i wasn’t even thinking about you.”

you shake your head, and this time you cannot stop yourself from reaching out with your hand to tuck some stray hair behind her ears. she stares at you with wide eyes, and her lips pursed slightly, and you have to clear your head when you take your hand back. 

“i wanted to stay here,” you reassure her, “i would have been too worried in the other room.”

she nods her head, accepting your answer and moves to sit up in the bed before a coughing fit hits her. you’re out of the bed in seconds telling her to wait and you’ll be back with her medicine. 

you really wish that you had a miracle drug to make her magically feel better. you’ve always hated seeing people in pain, but seeing lexa hurt is something more than that. you’d absorb her pain if you could, but for now, the best you can do is be there for her, and if that means staying in her room while she gets better, then you’ll put your feelings aside and do what you can to help.

//

**Lexa**

three days later you’re feeling significantly better. you haven’t had a fever in quite a few hours, and you’ve actually been able to eat food without feeling sick immediately after. to top that all off, you’re officially allowed to go back to class tomorrow. 

raven has teased you relentlessly for being excited about this. but you hate that you haven’t been allowed to do anything for yourself or by yourself for the past few days. you haven’t even been allowed to go and get your own work from your professors, clarke has gone instead.

as grateful as you are for clarke and everything that she has done for you over the past couple of days, you’re more than ready to be able to do everything on your own. 

clarke really has done so much for you lately, and you’ve been feeling too sick to even process everything that has happened. you’re almost glad that you had something else to think about other than the steadily growing crush you have on her.

clarke sleeping in your bed to help with the coughing fits and calm you back to sleep has become a regular thing. you woke up this morning feeling a lot better, and that’s when it hit you. clarke griffin was sleeping in your bed.

not only that, but you woke up with your face tucked in her neck, and your arm thrown across her stomach like it was natural to you. and it almost has become natural. her arm was wrapped tight around you, and her other hand was resting across yours over her abdomen. something in your chest had tightened when you had to untangle yourself from her to get her up for classes. 

it’s the only thing that you’re going to miss about being sick. you’ve gotten used to having her there. you don’t want her to leave, you’d never admit that outloud. literally never. but you really don’t want her to stop coming to your room to sleep every night.

even right now, it’s ten at night, and clarke had ripped your school books from your hands after you had to adjust your glasses for the third time, because the medicine you take at night makes you go a little cross eyed. she told you no more school, and if you wanted to read a book it was going to have to be something non college related.

so you agreed, and pulled out a book from the shelf beside your bed, and when clarke saw how you were struggling with the words she took the book from you and began reading it aloud to you. you were so thankful that she was too busy with the book to notice how red your face got.

the sound of the bathroom door opening pulls you from your thoughts and clarke walks softly into your room and throws herself dramatically onto the bed with you. she lands on her side facing you, and you grip your phone a little tighter and pretend that you don’t feel her looking at you.

she makes you nervous. no one has ever made you nervous. but by doing something as simple as just looking at you, she can make you overthink every little thing you do. it’s a good nervous. you don’t want to do something and mess anything up around her, and you’re afraid if you look at her, then she’s going to see in your eyes everything that’s going on in your head.

“one more chapter?” clarke asks, and you put the phone down at your side and roll to face her. 

“one more chapter”

clarke reads and eventually she turns a page and a small slip of paper falls out. she holds it up to look at it. “who are they?” she asks, flipping the photo around for you to see.

you freeze, and stare at the picture in her hand. after a few seconds, you sit up and take both photo and book from clarke. you don’t feel much like reading anymore tonight. “titus and raya woods,” you mumble, shoving the book roughly into the shelf, “my parents.”

clarke nods her head and rolls over to turn off the last remaining light in the room. you look over at her curiously and she looks back at you, and then sighs. “lexa, i haven’t ever asked any questions about them because i figure that when you’re ready to tell me about them you will.”

sounds reasonable enough. except, with you, if people don’t ask questions then you’ll probably just never talk about it. you’re not really one to share like that.

“you can ask questions clarke, if i’m not ready to answer them then i won’t,” you hesitate before continuing, “i’m not the best at opening up, and so i think that questions would be better.”

clarke nods, and rolls completely onto her side to face you, and your mirror her position. “well, then i guess i want to know how they were able to possibly influence your internship, i mean they sound like a big deal.”

“he is a big deal,” you murmur, “my mother is just, she’s just there, she always sides with him and does what he believes is right, but she never instigates these types of things. but she doesn’t stop them, so i just lump them together sometimes. it’s easier.”

clarke doesn’t say anything, but she instead lays her hand halfway between the two of you, and you reach out to lay yours on top of hers.

“he’s a district attorney in virginia. it’s a really conservative area, and he’s a really conservative man. he has a crazy high conviction rate, and he didn’t really like the idea of me working at a place that is trying to help free some of the people that he himself put away,” you say with a scoff, and clarke runs her thumb over your hand encouragingly.

“and my mother, she married him when she was young, and she just. she’s not the same as him, not always, she just, doesn’t stop him or challenge him, she accepts it for what it is,” you say. 

“when did you leave home,” clarke asks, and your jaw clenches a little. 

“anya and i left the summer before ninth grade, we came to stay with lincoln’s parents, our aunt and uncle,” you close your eyes tight and try not to think about that summer and everything it entailed. it was a painful transition, and it’s not a time you like to think back on.

clarke seems to get that the questions need to be through for the night and reaches out to pull you to her. “thank you for telling me lex,” she whispers softly, and then her voice turns conspiratorial, “they sound like real dicks.”

and you don’t expect to laugh as hard as you do at that one comment. the laughing of course brings on some coughing, because your lungs just can’t let you be happy, but when you’re done, you lay your head back down against clarke’s shoulder and sigh, “they really are.”

clarke shuffles under you but says nothing else, and you’re silent too. minutes later you hear her breathing even out, and you admire her ability to go from laughing one second to sleeping in the next. you look at her for a few more seconds, and then rest your head back down on her shoulder and will yourself to go to sleep. you’ve got a long day ahead of you tomorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> lol, i didn't even realize until now that this is the 30th prompt and it is falling right on the 30th chapter. this was not planned at all but it's very amusing to me.


	31. "look both ways"

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> lexa does something dumb and raven has news for the group

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mmmm, so it's been a hot minute. it's now a new year, we finally have a new president that isn't an orange cheeto man who incites riots, and i haven't updated this in forever is what it seems. but here we are with a new chapter! so, the chapters are definitely going to be longer from here on out. it just honestly is getting more detailed and nuanced, and i have at least the next three chapters outlined out, and from what I have already, they are going to take more time. I don't know when I will be updating next because I am now in the middle of new classes and new work experiences, so unfortunately that is taking up a lot of my time. but i will say that this work won't be abandoned. i really truly want to finish it, it's just I sometimes lack the time (and occasionally the motivation) to get it done. I'm considering breaking it up into two parts, ending with 50 and 50, simply because if I follow the same word count per chapter for some of the upcoming longer chapters, it's going to be a massive work. however, i am uncertain about that, so if anyone has any opinions on the matter, please drop a comment about it. alright, well that being said, i have begun a class that is technically a reading and writing class, and we need to make a list of fifteen books we want to read by the end of the year and they cannot be ones that we have read before. so, if any of you have any book suggestions that you like, feel free to recommend them. i like most genres, although i'm not crazy big on science fiction unless it's dystopian in nature. but i hope you all are well, as well as i hope you enjoy the chapter.

_25) look both ways_

**Lexa**

you have never been happier to have a non stuffy nose. this is something that you never thought that you would be so excited about that you want to run around upon waking up. but, you can finally breathe properly again and you have never been happier. 

what you’re not happy for is all of the makeup work that you still have to catch up on. you have been sleeping more than you ever have because you’re still not through with your antibiotics and they make you sleep even when you know that you have stuff you have to get up and do.

it’s been a week since you were in the hospital, and even though you’re not back to 100%, you now feel like you’re finally on the way there. coughs don’t come in fits, they just come as a few stray ones here and there. your headache has finally lifted, and your body no longer aches like it did before. your side still hurts where the tube was inserted, but you know that could take a bit longer to subside; after all, your stitches hadn’t even dissolved yet. 

clarke has been so busy these past few days, and you know that she is working on her art project, but you miss having her around. anya has been over a lot to keep you company, but honestly your sister has been more annoying than she has been helpful. she had been teasing you for the way that clarke had taken care of you up until that point. 

she had been merciless, “so you’re telling me that you and blondie have been playing doctor and patient for about a week now, and yet you still think this is just a friendship thing?”

and she has a point, but also clarke wants to be a doctor, so this is like good practice for her. and then, you have seen clarke do this all the time for her other friends. so yes, this is a friendship thing to her. it isn’t to you.

to you there are things that made it unbearably hard to let her take care of you. one thing in particular was sleeping in the same bed knowing that you were going to go back to being alone soon after you were back to feeling better. you don’t even know why you care. you have slept alone for years, what is wrong with you that suddenly you now care.

but of course you know the answer to that as well. clarke is what is wrong. she makes you want things, well mainly just closeness with another person that you have not found yourself wanting before. you also find you yourself wanting to open up to her. she doesn’t make you feel pressured, or like she will judge you for the things that people in your life have done, or even things that you have done.

you know that clarke is what has made things different. and you know that you have feelings for her, just like you know that you are never going to have the nerve to tell her. 

you were going to tell her the other night. you had a meeting go late at night for your internship, and so you ended up arriving home far later than you told clarke you would be. it was nearly twelve when you walked in the door. and you thought maybe the blonde would be passed out on the couch, but when you looked around the apartment, she was actually fast asleep on top of her bed, not even under the covers or anything. so you pulled a blanket over her and walked back to your room to go to sleep alone.

you felt like that was the best thing to do, despite knowing that you weren’t going to sleep well that night. you figured that she probably was finished sleeping in with you since you were feeling better, it’s not like she hadn’t fallen asleep before you prior to this, but the last times it happened she had gone into your room and fallen asleep in there. 

because she fell asleep in her room this time you thought that maybe that was her way of saying that since you were better, she no longer needed to sleep in there with you anymore. that was two days ago, and since then you have both been back in your own beds to sleep. 

but that’s done for, and right now you’re on the way to meet clarke at the ice cream shop across the street, because she finally has a break that she’s able to take away from the art building and even though you’re not terribly hungry for ice cream you decide that you’re going to go anyways because you haven’t really left the apartment much the past few days because you’ve been trying to get all caught up on work.

you make eye contact with her from across the street, and she holds up a cup of your favourite ice cream and you’re too busy smiling at her to notice that you’ve stepped out in the middle of the street until a car blares its horn at you and you quickly step back up onto the pavement.

it takes you by surprise, which brings on a small bit of coughing and while you’re bent over trying to regain your breath and get the aching at your incision site to stop, clarke must have crossed the street safely because her shoes come into your eyesite.

“lexa, are you okay?”

you look up to see her blue eyes latched onto you in concern. and in between coughs you nod your head at her and reach to take your ice cream from her outstretched hand. god you’re so gay. how in the hell do you explain to her that you were too focused on her that you totally forgot to check for traffic before stepping out into the street. how do you explain that you nearly got hit by a car because you’re so happy to see her despite seeing her literally just this morning as she was leaving for class. 

“i think that maybe my meds are making me a little foggy,” you try and cover, “I’ve been feeling a little off everyday right after taking them.”

clarke nods her head in concern and guides you to the nearest bench before gently pushing you down, “well you didn’t have to agree to come all the way here lex, i easily could have brought the ice cream back to you.”

you shake your head and take a bite of you mint chocolate chip ice cream while clarke wrinkles her nose at your flavor choice. “I needed to get out of the apartment. I’m so tired of going from there to class and back because I have so much work to do that I can’t do anything else. my one professor is demanding that I have all of my work in by the end of the week.”

clarke snorts, “seriously, is he not aware that it is literally Wednesday and he only just gave you the last few bits you had to make up?”

you shrug, and look out at the crowd of people passing the two of you on the sidewalk, “he’s my douchebag teacher so I’m guessing that he knows and just doesn’t care.”

clarke laughs at that, and licks a bit of ice cream off of her lip before turning to you, “lexa woods I do not think that I’ve ever heard you say something like that regarding a professor before.”

you laugh because she’s right, it’s just this one teacher that you absolutely cannot stand. he waits until the last minute to assign work. and he says that his writing assignments can be completed ahead of time and turned in early , but in reality the topic for the prompt is almost always on the reading due the very day that the paper itself is due, which makes doing it early pointless. 

not to mention that it is a subject that you are so incredibly interested in, and he is ruining it by not letting the class have any discussion on the matter. the only time that he calls on students is to answer a question that he is asking regarding the summary of the nearly eighty pages that you had to read for class. it drives you crazy. 

you and clarke spend the rest of the time slowly eating your ice cream, and soon it is time for clarke to return to the art studio, and you to return to the apartment to finish some more work. clarke links her arm in yours as you walk together as far as you can before having to part. 

you’re about to cross the final street, when there is a light tug on your arm, and you turn around to see clarke with a mischievous grin on her face, “look both ways lexa.” you pause indignantly because the sign to walk is flashing, and you did look before leaving the sidewalk.

after a second, you realize that you’re being mocked. clarke bursts into laughter at your confusion, and you come to understand that you’re not going to be able to live this down with her. quite frankly you’re not sure you’re going to be able to let yourself live it down either, although perhaps not for the same reason as her. she still thinks it is because of your medication and not the fact that you are crushing so hard on her that you didn’t see the bright red minivan coming right at you.

she laughs and heads across the opposite way as you, before hollering one more time for you to watch for traffic. you shake your head with a smile, and you know that this is going to be a topic of mockery that is going to last a while.

//

**Clarke**

you’re mostly finished with all of your work for the exhibition, and you could not be more relieved to have it all behind you. you’ve barely had any time to do anything, and the last social thing that you have done is gone to meet lexa for ice cream the other day. but that hardly counts to you because you were only gone for a half hour, and you still had to go back to the studio for another five uninterrupted hours. 

and now you’re finished with all but one painting, the one that isn’t going into the exhibition at all. you were going to turn it in for your project. but there was almost always more work that you found yourself wanting to put into it every time that you thought you were done. so instead you turned in the piece on your dad that is going to be one of the portraits shown at the exhibition.

the one of lexa is going to be something you’ll give to her as a gift. you just have to try and figure out how to keep it hidden from her. since it’s no longer something that is for a collection or for an assignment, you technically aren’t supposed to be using the studio to work there. so you brought it and all the needed supplies back and stashed it in the back of your closet. you carefully wrapped the painting in a sheet to protect it from damage, but also to keep lexa from accidentally spotting it. 

you’re upset that you haven’t been around the apartment as much lately. you’ve missed spending time with lexa. now that you’re back in your own beds, you’re spending no time together really. at least before, if you had been super busy during the day, you would at least get to see her at night and then the next morning. but now, you don’t really see her but in parting because you’ve been trying to hard to get as much done as you could.

you didn’t want to stop sleeping in the same bed. but one night lexa was out later than she said, and you were in your room and had just wrapped up the painting of her and planned to lay down to take a small rest before getting up and showering and then doing other work. but you must have fallen asleep there for the rest of the night. and when you woke up, you were still in your bed draped in a blanket that you didn’t cover yourself with. 

you took that to mean that lexa was okay with you staying in your room, and that she no longer needed you in there with her. because if she had wanted you in there, well then she would have woken you up like she did a couple of nights before when she returned home to find you sleeping on the couch. she had woken you up and the two of you had gone to her room and then gone to sleep. 

it hurt a little bit. you’re not sure what to make of it. she’s not shunning you, no instead she has been trying to find ways to spend time with you, even when she is as busy as you are trying to catch up on work. 

but you try not to think about it too hard. tonight is going to be a fun night. you and lexa both are going over to raven and octavia’s, and supposedly all the other delinquents will be there as well. which is nice because other than speaking to raven for a bit the other night you really haven’t seen them for a while. 

you open the door to your apartment and hope that you’ll find lexa ready to go, but when you look around the living room and kitchen, she isn’t there. but she’s definitely been home, it looks like she’s been moving things around on the bookshelf, the weights that you usually use as bookends are on the floor along with a couple of toppled books. 

you suddenly hear noises from the bathroom, and knock on the door, “lex are you ready to go.”

you hear something clatter off the counters, before lexa replies back, “um, yes in just a minute.”

you have come to understand that lexa has no idea that you can see right through her tones and know when there is something wrong with her. “is there something i can help with.”

a grunted no comes to you from the other side, and you sigh in exasperation. “lexa, whatever it is, please let me come in and help you.”

you hear silence from the other side, and then a sigh, and finally the lock turns and the door opens. whatever you were expecting to see this wasn’t it. lexa is in just a bra and pants, half leaning on the sink as she is holding what looks to be a piece of toilet paper to her exposed rib cage. there’s drops of blood on the counter as well as a couple other pads of toilet paper littered all over the sink and floor.

“what?” you ask, “lexa what happened!”

she looks at you with her eyes wide and opens her mouth to speak, but you can see in her face that she is scared so you quickly sit her on the toilet and reach under the sink to grab your first aid kit. you quickly snap on a pair of gloves and lay out some gauze pads and sterilizing wipes.

“okay lex,” you murmur calmly, “there’s no reason to be worried okay, it looks like one of your stitches ripped, and it’s just bleeding a lot but it’s more than likely a surface wound okay?”

“more than likely?”

“most definitely likely,” you respond, squatting down beside her to get a better look at the incision site, “lex were you doing anything that could have led to the stitches tearing?”

you’re busy wiping away from of the residual blood to see how bad the tear is, and lexa is refusing to meet your eyes. she mumbles something under her breath that sounds a little like “crates” but that doesn’t make any sense. 

and then you remember the hand weights that were in the middle of the living room. “lexa, come on you know that you’re not cleared to do any kind of lifting until the stitches come out on their own. even if they’re just twenty pound weights, this incision is right along the muscles that you use to lift things,” you scold her lightly as you gently dab away the final bits of blood.

you use a gloved hand to gently prod the skin near the incision until you can see that she’s only ripped one of the stitches, and fortunately it is just a surface wound. “okay lex, it’s clean now, I’m going to put some cream on it and then a bandage okay?” you say softly, and she looks up at you and nods sheepishly, “okay, well you’re lucky it was just a surface wound, and you’re not going to need another stitch, but it may make the scar a bit more evident once it’s healed.”

she shrugs at that, momentarily displacing your hands from the guaze pad and causing it to fall to the floor. you reach down to grab it off the first aid kit when she says, “well ladies love scars.”

you may or may not pretend to fumble with the pad for a bit longer than necessary to keep her from seeing the blush on your face. when you’ve gotten yourself together you quickly put the cream on the site, and cover it with an adhesive pad and tape. 

“did it hurt a lot when you tore it?” you ask, moving to clean up the mess on the sink and floor “I just noticed that you were pretty upset when I came in here.”

lexa grabs her shirt from the floor and pulls it back over her head before bending down to help you clean stuff up. she looks at the floor when responding, “well, i was okay to handle it on my own until I heard you get back and knew that you’d be upset because you’ve told me quite a few times I need to wait before going back to working out, and I didn’t listen and then this happened.”

you laugh softly, “lexa, I wasn’t mad, I just was worried that it was going to be deep and then we’d have to go get you more stitches that you’d have to wait even longer to heal.”

she shakes her head vigorously, “yeah that is so not something that I want, I promise no more pushing before it’s healed.”

you nod and grab her by the arm, “good, now let’s get on the way to raven and o’s place before we’re any later.”

//

four hours and two movies later it’s nearly time to go home and everyone is dreading the end of such a fun night. the whole gang had been able to come. even bellamy, who is normally absent from these things as he probably has the most work out of the whole group. 

raven had told you on the phone the other day that she was dating anya, and as the annoying sister you are, you promptly told her that you already knew. it was then that she told you that she had made a D.I.Y shirt to announce to the whole crew tonight that they were dating, and she was going to reveal it as everyone was ready to go. 

so when raven scampers off to her room, you pretend to not know what’s about to happen. anya is sitting beside you and groans softly, and you turn to her with a chuckle, “I’m assuming that you know what it is that she is going to get?”

anya groans again and nods her head. “I have tried and tried to get her to do this in a more normal way, but you know how raven is. she has insisted on doing it this way because what a better way to ruin any bets that have been placed.”

“she still thinks there’s bets?”

“yep.”

you laugh. because honestly, you’re so used to this that it’s funny. raven has always been this way and there’s just nothing that can be done when she has made up her mind about it. but you also can see that despite the fact anya hates it being done in this way, she would let raven do whatever she wants because she truly cares for her.

it’s nice to know that raven has someone like that in her life. while you never thought that the stoic and always in control person that anya is could possibly date someone as unpredictable as raven, you suppose that they really are a very good match.

lexa had left the room a few minutes ago to run to the bathroom, murmuring to you that the gauze pad had come loose and she was going to go fix it before you had to go home. you’re glad that she’s taking it seriously, because honestly that girl needs to chill with the workouts when she’s only been feeling good for a few days now.

you hear the bathroom door open at the same time as the bedroom door opens. you look up to see lexa coming out of the bathroom and promptly running right into raven, who is wrapped up in a big blue blanket. raven smirks at lexa, “looks like you forgot to look both ways again!”

shit. lexa immediately lifts her eyes to yours, and you know by the raise of her eyebrow that she isn’t mad at you, but you still feel bad, because you should have never told raven about what happened. 

“raven,” you call, “leave lexa alone.”

but raven is having none of that. once she found out that lexa was the one responsible behind the prank from a week and a half back she had been gunning for the girl. lexa had been conditioning raven for a month and a half to stand up anytime hammer time was played as a phone ringtone. she hadn’t been sure it was going to work until finally the other week it did. and raven was bound and determined to get payback, and you had given her what she needed.

“well I’m just saying maybe lexa should be a bit more careful before one day she actually walks right into traffic,” raven states loudly, successfully gaining the attention of everyone in the room.

lexa slinks back in and takes a seat beside you, you squeeze her hand in apology, but she shakes her head with a smirk, “nothing could be as good as her standing up in the middle of freshman seminar for what everyone else thought was no good reason.”

everyone else in the room is demanding that raven tell them what she means, and just as she’s about to launch into her story, anya leans into you and whispers, “I give you full permission to steal her thunder.”

you laugh, and stand up, tapping your plastic fork on your soda can, “wait, but before raven here tells the story, I have an announcement to make.”

“what’s that?” octavia asks, leaning her head on lincoln’s knee as she turns to face you.

raven turns to look at you suspiciously, “yeah clarke, what is your announcement?”

you smirk at her, and she narrows her eyes at you in response, “it’s come to my attention that two people here have been trying to hide a secret from us, without a lot of success, but nonetheless they have been trying.”

anya stifles a laugh from the couch, and raven whirls around to face her, she must see the look on anya’s face, because she immediately turns back around to you, and then finally to face everyone else in the room. “anya and I are dating see!”

and then she drops the blanket to show the shirt to everyone in the room. you have to walk around to try and get a glimpse of what it says. and you start laughing with everyone else when you see it. honestly raven is just a bit much sometimes. on her shirt in large blue iron on letters is the phrase, “we’re banging” and under is another ironed on picture of anya and raven together. 

everyone knew, how could they not. but for raven’s sake, they all go along with it and pretend to be shocked and surprised. and she may have bought it until a very high jasper shrieks, “oh my god I never would have guessed!” and everyone in the room stills.

“wait a minute,” raven pauses, turning to look in the faces of everyone in the room, “did you all know?”

“they all knew raven,” anya supplies from the couch, “we weren’t subtle.”

everyone voices their agreement to that, and raven shakes her head and points at anya, “no, absolutely not, we were so subtle even I didn’t know we were dating for a while.”

murphy snorts at that, and octavia elbows him right in the ribs. lexa is sitting beside you with a smile on her face, delighted that the attention has been taken off of her. 

“raven we kissed after our first month of being on campus together and then went on multiple dates, what in the world are you talking about, of course you knew, why else would we kiss and then keep going out?”

“well,” raven pauses, “clarke says that people sometimes have ‘really friendly friend feelings’.”

“what,” you say indignantly, blushing because you so totally said that, but not about raven and anya, and you so do not want raven to go down that road right now, “leave me out of this raven. everyone knew because you guys were always doing stuff together.”

“you spend almost every other night at her apartment rather than here.” octavia supplies.

“well, so does lincoln, he’s always here so what do you have to say to that?” raven says.

“we’re dating?” lincoln answers with a smile.

raven scoffs and waves her hand in the air, “that is so not the point.”

“you call her nicknames,” monty says, looking at the others who are nodding their heads.

“like what?” raven asks, “I do not call her cheesy ass nicknames like babe, or anything of that sort.”

everyone looks around the room before silently and unanimously agreeing to list all the names they’ve heard raven call anya. 

“you call her hotstuff.”

“a literal goddess”

“a knockout”

“badass bombshell”

“living definition of the word sexy”

“foxy angel from above.”

anya is cackling on the couch while raven turns redder and redder by each name called out. “okay, okay, for the love of god, I get it, you all knew!” raven interrupts, “and if you think im embarrassed because I said she’s any of those things you’re wrong. anya is a total stunner and I’ll say them all again.”

anya grabs raven by the arm and pulls the frazzled girl into her side. “well, now that the cat is finally free of the nonexistent bag,” anya says with a smirk, and everyone chuckles, “you all know officially, and we can move on.”

everyone agreed to this, and a few minutes later people were starting to filter out of the apartment and head back to their own homes as it was somehow already one in the morning. soon you and lexa and anya are the only ones who haven’t left, and you look over to find that lexa has closed her eyes on the couch beside you. 

you softly nudge her awake and get up to hug both raven and octavia, and even anya goodbye. anya squeezes lexa’s shoulder on the way out, and on the way home you realize that lexa’s medicine makes her sleepier than you thought and you end up practically hauling her home before she falls asleep walking. 

you shove the door open and lead a very sleepy lexa into her room. you tell her you need to change the bandage quickly and she tries to keep her eyes open as she lifts her shirt up for you to quickly peel off the old gauze and replace it with new before lightly tugging her shirt back down. 

she probably should put pajamas on, but you don’t think she’s going to be able to keep her eyes open long enough to even get her day clothes off, so you just help her into bed and tug the covers over her. you linger for a moment, and whisper goodnight to her as her eyes flutter closed. 

you slowly walk back to your room, and something feels wrong about leaving her in there alone after spending nearly a week sharing the same bed. but you know that lexa probably wanted her own space back, and so you need to respect that. you walk into your room and toss yourself down onto your own bed, not even bothering to change into your own pajamas and minutes later, you’re asleep.

//

**Lexa**

“do you want to tell me what raven was talking about the other night?” anya asks as she shoulders her way into your apartment. 

you roll your eyes. clearly this type of greeting is becoming a common thing for your sister. “good morning to you too anya,” you say in a fake genial tone, closing the door behind her.

anya heads straight into the kitchen and pulls herself up to sit on the counters that you literally just cleaned. you glare at her, and shove her off the counter before passive aggressively pulling out a barstool, “we have these for a reason, and I think you’ll find you fit this better than the freshly cleaned counter”

“and the counter is a perfectly good seat on it’s own, and I also fit there,” anya points out, “and if I fit there, then I can sit there.”

you turn to look at her with your eyebrow raised, “did you just indirectly quote a 2011 internet cat meme?” 

anya grabs a banana from the fruit bowl and seemingly pretends like she didn’t hear you. you scoff and grab the dishrag and go back to unloading the dishes from the dishwasher. “to answer your question from earlier,” you say, turning to face anya with a spatula in hand, “I will not tell you what raven was talking about the other night.”

you turn around before you can see her face, and you hear her sigh behind you, and then you jump when the banana peel slams into the trashcan beside you. you whirl around to look at anya who is smirking at you. you really wish you could return her and get a different sister sometimes. 

“no matter,” anya says cheerily, and you pause cleaning the dishes because anya never does anything with cheer or pep, “raven told me all about it anyway.”

the hand with the dishrag sinks dejectedly to your side. you were really hoping that the telling of the not so secret secret of anya and raven would deter others from learning of the humiliating story the other day, but it seems like you haven’t been so lucky.

“yes, well, it seems that my meds make me a little more unfocused than I originally thought,” you try and recover, reaching for another glass to dry.

you hear nothing for a second, and you think maybe anya would just be content with that. she starts laughing seconds later. and honestly you should know better by now, anya is never happy with just that. 

“your meds?” she laughs, “oh for the love of god lexa, try your gay. your totally obvious to everyone but clarke gay!”

“what the hell does that even mean?” you ask, tossing the dish rag onto the counter, knowing that this is not a conversation that you can avoid by cleaning dishes.

anya looks at you in exasperation, “it means dear sister that you are so gay, you saw a pretty girl across the street and nearly got hit by a car because you didn’t notice that in the middle of gawking at said pretty girl you had stepped off the sidewalk. I mean lexa, this is just next level, I mean, is this some sort of cheesy romance clique?”

“if it was a clique I would have gotten hit and she would have nursed me back to health,” you snap pointedly, thinking that this will put her teasing to rest.

“lexa are you blind! she already did that!”

shit. you didn’t even think about that. this has backfired so badly. 

“I mean come on, I saw you two in the hospital and backseat of my car. okay tell you what, if the answer to my next question is no then I will leave you alone okay,” she looks at you, and you think this is a trick, but you nod anyways, “does she still text you or call you to remind you to take your meds?”

damn it. you quickly snatch up the dish rag because really the dishes do need to be done and then there’s some in the sink that need to be put in the washer after, and then of course you cannot lie to anya while facing her because the two of you grew up together so you always know when the other is lying or not. 

“she used to in the beginning but she doesn’t anymore,” you go with a half lie, thinking that this will make it harder for anya to see through. 

“look at me so I know you’re telling the truth.”

shit. okay you can do this. you can look at her with a straight face, no nose twitching, and tell her the same thing over. you turn your head to look at her, and are about to repeat yourself when your phone dings. you don’t have to look at a clock to know that the text is from clarke. nor do you need to look at the screen to know why she is texting you.

you and anya both look at your phone on the counter at the same time, and then up at each other. you both move for the phone at the same time, but anya is just a smidge closer to it, so she is the one who leaves with it in her hand. 

you chase her into the living room, and onto the couch, she isn’t that taller than you when you’re standing on the ground. but when you’re on the couch and she’s on the armrest, you have no shot at reaching the phone in her hands. you do the second best thing. 

the phone thwacks out of her hand and lands on the carpet behind the couch. “lexa, what the hell, did you just throw a pillow at my hand to get your phone?” anya is indignant, but you’re already over the back of the couch, grabbing the phone and depositing it into your back pocket.

anya catches the pillow that you throw at her, and begrudgingly places it neatly back onto it’s spot on the couch. the two of you walk into the kitchen, and even thought she didn’t see the text, you know that there is no point in trying to lie to her again. your struggle for the phone followed by you coming into the kitchen and taking your pills are going to tell her all she needs to know.

“okay, fine, yes she does text me when it is time for me to take my pills because lately I haven’t done the best job of remembering to take them, and before, when she was always here and we were in my room together it was easier to remember because someone was reminding me so she just kept doing it.”

“wait, rewind,” anya says, and you freeze, knowing what you’ve just implicated now, “did you just say in your room together or am I hearing things.”

“would you believe me if I said we were using the broom together?” you try, sinking down into a barstool in defeat.

anya rolls her eyes, “no I wouldn’t because that makes no goddamned sense. now tell me what the hell you mean by that.”

“she would come in when it was time for me to take my pills to remind me.”

“try again”

“we would just do work together in my room while I was recovering and she would be there when I needed to take my meds and would remind me.”

“lexa”

“okay jesus, fine, we shared a bed for like six days, happy now anya?”

anya stares at you, and starts laughing again. you cross your arms on the counter and lie your head down on top of them. “I would appreciate it if you stopped laughing,” you scowl into your lap.

“I mean, lexa, come on now, just, tell me you’re going to tell her how you feel I mean honestly this is worse than me and raven ever were. like this is so painful to watch it’s getting funny. and it’s not like people aren’t telling you that you should tell her. I mean, lexa, let me tell you what I told someone else recently, although you get it in a less friendly manner because you have a thicker skull. grow a pair and tell her before it is too late and she finds someone else. you don’t want that okay. clearly you like this girl and honestly the signs that you are seeing and are then ignoring are just. I mean you are a smart person lexa, but when it comes to clarke you are so dense.”

“I was going to tell her!” you interrupt, pulling your head off your arms to glare at anya, “I was going to tell her but then I came back and she was asleep in her own room, and she never said anything about it the day after. so I took that to mean that she was done with it and wanted to move on.”

“then why is she still texting you trying to take care of you lex?” anya questions, “have you ever thought that maybe she feels the same, and when you didn’t say anything to her she thought the same as you?”

“no because she would have to have feelings for me in order to think that.”

anya stares at you, and then stares some more, and then stands up from her stool and heads to the door.

“what where are you going?” you ask, following after her.

“I need to leave before I strangle you for being so dumb,” is all she says before she is out the door. 

you stand there after the door has closed because you have no idea what the hell that even means. she’s the one who is dumb if she thinks that clarke has feelings for you. clarke is just a friendly person who does nice things for people all the time. you wish that she had feelings for you.

but maybe anya knows something that you don’t know. you can’t just go ask octavia and raven if clarke likes you because then you’d be outing yourself if they figure out why you want to know. so maybe you just need to pay attention to what she does from now on out and see if there are any signs that maybe she has feelings for you.

yes, that sounds like a great plan. operation see if clarke likes you is a go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> interestingly enough, i actually did have a friend who not only used a shirt like that to tell us she was "banging" someone, but she also used it to come out to us, as if we didn't already know.


End file.
